Driving Lessons

One of the things I really appreciate about going to a Catholic school is having the opportunity for retreat. The ones in Salzburg aren't that great because none of the people on retreat have experience with them, but to some extent, they are what you make them. They asked us two things that were really good for me to think about. They told us to pick our favorite quote and later, the 30 seconds of our life that we would live again if given the chance. Not to change it, but to relive because it was so special. I thought about copping out and not saying what really came to my mind because it would be hard to say without getting upset, but I'm glad I was honest.

My quote I chose for this year was "“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares.”" Henri Nouwen.
It fits this year so well, even before I got here in the way that Gabe 2, Stogie and I bonded. There was nothing we could say to each other; we just lay under those stars, on clear nights like this, in silence, each of our hearts swelling to the point it would burst with anguish until it would subside into a violent numb. When I did get here, my heart wasn't in it and I felt like no one could understand a smidgeon of what I was going through and it felt so lonely. I couldn't get excited. I couldn't hold conversations about stupid trivial shit that doesn't matter. But somehow, through grace and with gratitude, I have made friends who I feel like understand me, who let me talk about Gabe all the time and ask questions about him and understand what a big part of me he is. The day that I got the pictures of his last flight and they just sat on the bed with me and held me as I sobbed uncontrollably. Within a few seconds of my tears, all of them were crying too, pushing the hair back from my snot-covered face through their own tears. I think I've also learned to be that kind of friend with Mel. I have no idea what she's going through, all I can do is sit there and hold her tight and somehow we come out okay.

The thirty seconds of my life that I would live over would be from the summer before I went to college. I was in Gabe's living room; we'd pulled the couch in front of the tv, like we did about every other day. We must have watched 15 to 20 movies, mostly Disney (we were trying to watch them all), but this time we were watching Edward Scissorhands. I'd never wanted to watch it because I thought it would be scary but we'd watched the beginning in Mr. Mathews English class and Gabe convinced me that he'd shield me from any scary parts. The thirty second I'd relive were near the end of the movie, I think when they confront each other in the attic. I was wearing my light pink dress and leggings and my legs were resting across Gabe's lap. He had on his Old Navy sweatshirt. I didn't believe him that it was scary so I was watching the movie through the reflection on the skylight. Since I didn't want to see anything scary, I was only half watching; I could see the sky and the stars through the reflection and there was just a sudden flash for the appreciation that I was just so utterly content here, not even really watching the movie, though I was enjoying it. How comfortable the couch was, how comfortable I was just to be here with my best friend, how comfortable we were with each other, how beautiful the sky was, how I didn't need any sort of entertainment or words or movement. I was so content to just be and I never wanted it to end. It was one of the most serene and happy moments of my life and I wish I could hold on to it forever.

(the future/ that's another whopper/we can never know what we can never know/ but i do know that whoever you are, and whoever i am, you made it alright to be me)

lima oscar victor echo forever and always,
your crowned goddess