So free...yet not...

WOW. It still hasn't hit me that school's over. I think it was because Easter break came so early this year that we were all burnt out long ago and so I didn't experience any real closure to the year because I was already dead. I wasn't even looking forward to summer because i knew that finals had to come first. So now it's over and it feels strange.

I can't believe that I'm a senior. Really. When we were little, in grammar school i remember looking at the 8th graders at assembly an thinking about how mature and old they looked. Then i remember thinking about what a senior in high school must look like if this is how massive and mature and 8th grader was. I remember having a sense of abstract awe and wonder at how smart and old that person must be. Now I look at 8th graders and think about how immature they are. And how young.

Another, seemingly paradoxical observation is that as a freshman, I remember thinking the upperclassmen were so much bigger and older than me. I especially recall meeting Sara Mailhot for the first time at volleyball open gym, how mature i thought she was. She told me all about going to design school and editing catalogs for Old Navy. She was so sure of herself. I was in awe. But now when I walk the halls, I don't feel like i look much older than the freshman, or that I'm loads more mature than them. It seems that that feeling worked only one way. It's so incredibly strange.

I'm starting to freak out about college a little more. I really need to go visit places this summer because I'm definitely not going to have time next year. Maybe more on this later...

Anyway, back to summer. It doesnt' feel like summer. Here's why

Megan's Giant To-Do List
-Volleyball trip(I got offered a spot on the NCVA Global Challenge Tour that plays in an international tournament in Croatia this summer. We also visit Germany, Austria(where we train in a Olympic facility with the Austrian Junior National Team) and Italy. Pretty much it would
FUCKING AMAZING. But.... it costs over $4,000 and is in less than a month)
-passport
-sponsorship letters(write, self-addressed envelopes, decide mailing list, get addresses and stamps)
-call the place that double charged me for my mom's Mother's day present
-get/pick between jobs(which is hard since I'm going away in the middle of the summer but parents say)
-college crap(senior profile, letters of recommendation, WHERE AM I GOING?)
-study for SAT IIs
-ecology club pre-school organizing\
-re-master our history video
-tons of little chores that have just backed up because I've been so crazy busy with school.

WHEW. lame. Can't wait to get it all out of the way. Which won't happen next week because I'm a counsel our at volleyball camp and I'm working on my mom's co worker's iPod for money. Well i was going to talk about my new bike but I'll save that for later. I'm waiting for a call back about possible sponsorship.

UPDATE: I got $500 from the Croatian club! Awesome. I'm going to go talk to them in October about my trip. Fun.

Hold your own, know your name, and go your own way...

Are the details in the fabric the things that make you panic?

This song is my life right now. In general, it for people like me. I have inherited panic attacks and a hyper-nervous personality from my mom, and combined with my dad's attention to detail my personality causes a lot of stress in my life. This song reminds me to let go. Especially picking apart my trust of others. I love that it starts with a voice mail. It's so real. Listen.



Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
mmmhmm

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you’re shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold♥


Only Human is amazing, too. I didn't think I liked the album version of We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things because I'd seen him live and had the live EP versions of several songs, but it's grown on me. I love the songs that I hadn't heard yet. The live versions are still better but I still love the CD. Jason Mraz is just pretty fucking amazing.

Life is not fair.

I've got a very good friend. And she's one of the friendliest, nicest, most outgoing and upbeat people that I've ever met. She's never a bitch and she doesn't get down on people or herself for that matter. She's THE single most positive person that I've ever met.

That's why I was so surprised to find out that her mom had died of cancer when she was about 8 or 9. That kind of tragedy is just unfathomable. You don't think about death at that age. That is something that little kids aren't meant to and shouldn't have to deal with.

Her dad is very upbeat too. He remarried a few years later and is a very joyful person. My friend really likes her stepmom, which is not always the case in these situations.

Now his second wife has cancer. Again. She had it before, but was thankfully in remission. Now she's been re diagnosed and given 18 months to live.

It's just so fucking unfair.