Ripple

ripple

The surface is silent.
All seems still.
Beneath the glassy surface, unknowns undulate and slide through the unclear waters.
A breath, one whispered word,
Like a blow to the stomach.

The façade has been broken.
Waves and ripples jostle for position, over countless emotions
shock
fear
relief
pain
love
Crashing, rolling, colliding, and subsiding.

Now all is still.
But the glimpse of the unknown remains.
Nothing can return.
The change is imminent, disastrous, beautiful.
The transformation is continual,
But this one word, this one breath,
It remains.

The ripple will always be felt.

In love

"By in love she meant the acuteness of the heart at the sudden sight of a particular person or the way over a couple of years of interested friendship one is suddenly stunned but the lungs' longing for more and more breath in the presence of that friend."- Grace Paley


"There are a hundred paths through the world that are easier than loving . But who wants easier?"- Mary Oliver

Late night nothings into somethings...

"On Love, In Sadness"

Oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
It's not falsified to say that I found god so inevitably well,
It still exists pale and fine. I can't dismiss
And I won't resist and if I die well at least I tried

And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pour over everything we say we trust
It happened again, I listened in thru hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, rust and in the rain endure.
The rust and the rain are sins
And I'm in like Flynn again

So go on place your order now cause some other time is right around the clock
You can stand in line. it finally begins just around the clock
You can have your pick if your stomach is sick whether you eat or not
And there is just one thing that I almost forgot

And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pour over everything we say we trust
It happened again, I listened in thru hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, rust and in the rain so easy
These are the comforts that be

You see well I'm feeling lucky oh well, maybe that's just me
You should be proud of me oh hell if you could only see
That we're gonna grow on up to be, ah yes
We are thick as thieves

Oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
It's not falsified to say that I found god
Inevitably, well it still exists pale and fine I can't dismiss
And I won't resist and if I die well at least I tried

And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pour over everything we say we trust
It happened again, I listened in thru hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind and the rust and the rain endure
(the rust and the rain endure. I'm sure.)

I am insofar to know the measure of love isn't loss
Love will never ever be insofar to know the measure of love isn't loss
Love will never ever be lost on me.
Love will never ever be lost on me.

This is an amazing song. I can identify with a lot of it right now.

It's three days into school and I;m already drowning in work. Grrrrreat.

Art and Mathews class are why I go to school. Mathews is nothing like I've ever had before. I thought it was all hype, but it was deserved. I hope college is like this in every class. I want to tape record every class it's so good. He's damn eloquent. I love the ideas but I struggle to master the language that he uses to delineate them so clearly, precisely and aptly even moments after he has just said them.

Today he said something along the lines of "You must believe with the entirety of your being in what you hold to be true while being aware that you could be completely and utterly wrong." It was awesome.

Religion could be interesting too. We talked about religion versus spirituality. We talked about how some people say "I'm more spiritual than religious" and what that means. I thought that was particularly pertinent because that's what I list under my religious views on Facebook. No one has ever asked me what this means to me, but I feel like I should "define" what that means to me. I write "define" in quotes because that is exactly why I am not religious. I fail to identify or define any explicit truths or discern any deity, universal or personal. Despite that, I still have a sense of connection, of meaning. I enjoy and participates in retreats because, though I am not Catholic, I still get spiritual merit out of them. I enjoy meditating, on nothing in particular or just on that sense of belonging to something bigger, that sense of community, of responsibility, of greatness. I am not an atheist. I am not a Catholic, a Buddhist or a Hindu. I am limited. I don't have any way to determine if there is a god or gods or what they want or how to best connect to or placate them. It's not within my power. Two years ago, I suffered from severe depression, panic attacks and thoughts of suicide while trying to figure out what I believed. Eventually, I realized that it's not something I have the capacity to determine, at least not at this stage in my life, maybe I never will. For now, I embrace my sense of community and try to enrich it.


"see I'm all about them words, over numbers, unencumbered numbered words, hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words, more words then I had ever heard...



and I feel so alive."