COLLEGE

Things I love about college:

Flight of the Conchords sessions like every night

Amazing all you can eat food

Epically failing at laundry

Pretty dorm rooms

Staircases that always come out somewhere different just like Hogwarts.

Showers that make it impossible to shave your legs

Guy who goes room to room playing guitar and singing The Shins, The Decemberists, Journey, and Bright Eyes AMAZINGLY. Random acts of kindness make me more happy than anythign in the world.

Living in a building shaped like an X

View of the river and downtown Portland from my dorm room window

Habit of singing all the time making you friends because people easily discover similar interests!

Biking to P-safe

Spending 3 hours at Fred Meyer

Flower watching

Roomate with the exact same living schedule as me

Higgins, Powell's, and Voodoo

Poems on the bus and the MAX

Failing at German with friends at your side

Learning the word asshole on the second day of class and saying it repeatedly

Soccer games and the drum squad

Automatically having 30 friends from honors wherever you go!

My mac :)

I love it here. It is the most gorgeous campus I've ever seen. I love my dorm and all the people that live here. It has only taken a week for it to feel like home. I'm already applying for and involved in so many things, it's amazing. I really, really hope that I can get a spot on Nicaragua and hopefully it won't interfere with Salzburg! So much to look forward to! I can't wait!

Every night I am filled with immense joy, I have never been so happy in my life. Not just with school, but with my friends, here and elsewhere(but always in my heart!).

I am that I am.

Two letters

I've written them a thousand times in my head. One, I've known has been coming the whole summer, but that doesn't make it easier. I know exactly what I want to say but I am so afraid of leaving things out. I have to say it now or it will never sink it. I can't leave any illusions, any false hopes.

The other I'd resigned that I'd never get a chance to write. The opportunity is given now, when I have tried so hard to let it all go, to forget it, to give up because I never thought I'd hear those words. All the pain and the heartache comes rushing back. Even now what they did to me seems unfathomable and I want them to know because I think how could they have possibly been listening the first time and done nothing? And how can you apologize for what you don't even know? But I want it all to be over, I don't want to drag those things up, to make it worse. I don't want to discover that this, just like the others, is hollow, that he is not really sorry for those things that hurt the most. But I don't want to lost this chance to heal either. I wish I had not been put in this place right now. There are so many other things on my mind, so many other people who have been there for me that I need to take care of, to be present with in these moments that we have before I leave. I just feel numb. I can't bear the hate and the hope and the chance that if I decide to hope that it could all be hollow again. And that would be the worst thing of all which is why I tried to let it all go.

So for now, I just sit here, my mind at a million miles an hour but getting nowhere.