sometimes perfection can be, can be perfect hell

Vienna-Matt Costa

Vienna can you hear me lazing on the afternoon?
Cathedral bells are ringing a sound
Winter can't ignore her
Spring'll bring her back with blossoms
Summer bring her back to me now
Bring her to me

Shoulder to shoulder, be back in a month I told her
Wishing wells I wish her with me
Vienna was machts du?
I'm running through the streets of Zurich
Calling all the trains in Europe to bring her to me

Anything I got to do now

Anything I got to do to be...
Back with happy Mondays
Sleeping in on Sundays

Just to bring her to me

Vienna can you hear me lazing on the afternoon?
Cathedral bells are ringing a sound
Winter can't ignore her
Spring'll bring her back with blossoms
Summer bring her back to me now
Bring her to me

Anything I got to do now

Anything I got to do to be...
Back with happy Mondays
Sleeping in on Sundays

Just to bring her to me

I love how music reads my mind. And this shall be my theme song for my European train rides :) Speaking of German, I've gotta get on that! I will not back down!

vienna

101 days! I am getting so incredibly excited! A little nervous because my jobs haven't started yet but I'm having faith that it will all work out. I went to Crossroads to get baby books for Jacquline and I got this Rick Steves book for $5 bucks. I haven't been able to put it down since!

I'm so excited to grow and experience all these new things! I realized I'm going to get to cross some things off my bucket list: my first white Christmas, skating in an outdoor ice rink, and hopefully sitting on top of a completely deserted grass covered hill. Ooooh I can't wait!

Things are getting better with Wyatt. It's hard but I have to remember that we both have growing to do. He's trying really hard and he's been really responsive to me. It's hard but I know we can make it work. If it's meant to be, it'll be because we'll make it so. I'm committing to making the right decisions for me. And he's committed to make decisions to be my friend no matter what it takes. I think together, that should be enough for us. He really is something special and I want him in my life even though it hurts right now. I know first hand how hard it is to rebuild a relationship once the trust is broken but some things you just have to try for yourself. I've gotten better at that this year, living and letting others live. Thanks Maya ♥.

But I really could skip to July and be perfectly happy. I just want Tahoe so I can see everyone at the family reunion and Mikayla and Amelia. Then I'm pretty much down to go straight to Salzburg :D I'm ready to graduate from being a Baby 'Burger already!

As always, the Fray always knows what to say:

halfway around the world
lies the one thing that you want
buried in the ground, hundreds of miles down
first thing that arises in your mind while you awake
bending you til you break
let me hold you now

baby close your eyes
don't open til the morning light
baby don't forget
we haven't lost it all yet

your heart and mine

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

On the lives of others.

"Human life--that appeared to him the one thing worth investigating....There were poisons so subtle that to know their properties one had to sicken of them. There were maladies so strange that one had to pass through them if one sought to understand their nature. And, yet what a great reward one received! How wonderful the whole world became to one! To note the curious hard logic of passion, and the emotional couloured life of the intellect-- to observe where they met, and where they separated, at what point they were in unison, and at what point they were at discord--there was a delight in that. What matter what the cost was? One could never pay too high a price for any sensation"
-Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

"He loves me."
"He wants to enslave you."
"I shudder at the thought of being free"
-The Picture of Dorian Gray

what will happen to us now?

Time is a cold wind blowing through the leaves
Of a tired old tree I sit beneath
Where I think about the world and I don't know how
What will happen to us now?

And peace is a ladder up to the clouds
That I'm wishing I could climb but I don't know how
So would you lend me a hand to the promised land
Where I'm headed it glory bound

And it comes and it goes
Where it's headed, no one knows
And we come and we go
All the saints and the liars, sittin' by the fire
What will happen to us now?

And hatred is a sharp knife held by the blade
It's cutting in your palm 'til you feel no pain
And burning in your eyes with a righteous rage
'Til the ashes blow away

And love is a thing that you can't define
Though you try with all your might through the riddles and rhymes
But it'll fly you like a kite; it'll throw you to the ground
But that's the best thing I have found.

And it comes and it goes
Where it's headed no one knows
And we come and we go
Like the winter and the spring
Losing everything just to gain it back again

And oh, how pretty is the middle of June?

noah gundersen is love.

rules.

We always want to be the exception, not the rule.


But you have to get to know the rules before you can break them.





Someday, I'll be the exception. So today, I'm okay with learning the rules.

growth

Well today was an interesting day I shall say. Started off pretty poopy. The YMCA still hadn't called, things were weird and getting weirder with PB and finding out why wasn't so fun.

But today, even though it's a crappy day is a day that I realized just how much I've grown. At first it felt like I was right back where I was a little over a year ago. Back seat again. An unfortunate but acceptable casualty. Forced into a choice that I didn't want to make, that I shouldn't have to make if it was not for the choices of others.

But I'm a big girl now. Last year hurt a hell of a lot. But I did not let it jade me. I gave my heart fully again, but this time I wasn't stupid with it. I didn't let it blind me.

When someone showed me I wasn't worth it, I didn't take it lying down. I did was was best for me. I didn't let that take away my worth like I did before.

Yes, it hurts. Yes, I'll miss what I've lost. But I'll stay strong through it all. I won't let it break me, consume me.

I am that I am.

I appreciate how he handled it. I learned a lot about respect from him.

We both still have a lot of growing to do but in very different ways.

I hope that Salzburg will not only make me more independent, but that it will give me a better attitude about alcohol. When it came do those kinds of decisions this year, besides the study abroad thing, which was always the bottom line when I was considering those kinds of decisions, I don't like being sick and I don't like being out of control of things especially my body. In my family, there was never a question, it's about the worst thing ever. But i don't want to be judgmental like that. I have very good friends who make different choices about alcohol and I love them just the same. The worst part for me, the part that really gets me, that is that these decisions and my current attitudes stem from a place of fear rather than from a place of strength. This is something I'll probably always remember from my junior retreat. A lot of bad things happen in the world when you write off something without trying to understand it. The root of all evil is not money, it's fear. Although alcohol still makes me a little uncomfortable, I think I'll be willing to branch out a little more in Europe because the other factors aren't there like my parents or it being illegal or having academic consequences, so that I won't be so afraid of it anymore.

darlin' do not fear what you don't really know...

when all else fails, go to the ocean ♥