College Essay

After nine years of volunteering at the Salvation Army’s soup kitchen, I thought that I had become desensitized to the unusual people and heartbreaking situations I saw every week. One Monday evening in winter of the seventh grade, I discovered that no one can be desensitized to human need. As I spooned peas onto the empty plates, I didn't realize that the next girl to hold out her plate would change my life perspective. In the tattered, hand-me-down 49ers jacket was Leah, the pretty, popular girl who I had admired, even envied at outdoor school the previous summer. Poverty and need does not discriminate nor does it know any bounds. As our eyes met, my mind flooded with two realizations: that need is everywhere and that I could do more.

The world I come from has directly shaped my dreams and aspirations for my life and for what I can do for the future of our nation. My community is a dichotomy of socioeconomic standards that has opened my eyes to inequality and injustice.

Fortunately, being raised in a devout Catholic family and parish ingrained in me the need for action and the realization that I not only can make a difference, but that doing so is my duty. As I became a young adult, my high school, in its fourth year of its infancy, gave me the freedom and a platform to personally establish ways to confront these incredible needs aggressively. I have developed grass roots programs that have impacted hundreds of people in need in my community. I aspire to expand my knowledge of the depth of the issues in the global community and develop ways to impact many more people throughout the world.

Growing up in the agricultural Pajaro Valley of Northern California, I have long experienced the dichotomy of very affluent and very low-income families living and working side by side. In this stark contrast of the "haves and the have-nots," I have been made very aware of existing injustices in this microcosm of our nation's socioeconomic condition. Poverty, illegal immigration, gangs and domestic violence are commonplace issues for many of my neighbors, while in their midst the wealthy speed past in their shiny, gas-guzzling vehicles, averting their attention from the dismay around them by gabbing incessantly into their Bluetooth headsets.

Fortunately, my upbringing in a supportive Catholic family has helped me to discover the impact that serving others can have. Although those Monday nights at the Salvation Army were originally compulsory, as I have matured it is something I choose to perpetuate. My parents are very active in the community and the effects of their work continually amaze me. I am constantly assured that honest, caring and hard work will yield the change that I seek. Through much theological study and spiritual reflection, I have not chosen to be confirmed as a Catholic. But this framework provided by my traditional family coupled with much philosophic self-investigation has revealed to me my passion for positive change.

Attending a small, new school has presented its difficulties, but most importantly it has constantly challenged me. The lack of established programs in athletics and traditions within the student body has discouraged many students and lead to many choosing to withdraw from participating fully in campus life. I have always felt like this "blank slate" environment has instead given me the opportunity to test my creativity and push my limits to take initiative. In four years in the Ecology Club, most recently as president, I have worked to start and expand programs to work towards a greener campus and community. Most important to me has been my hand in outreach to the wider community through programs like the Youth Ministry Core Team and my own original organization, Project Backpack that collected backpacks, coats and a plethora of personal hygiene items from the local parishes and Catholic schools. This success has motivated me to further my knowledge of issues of justice and working to implement progressive works even if the framework does not currently exist for my aspirations to create a sustainable world with peace based on justice.

Wednesday is Hump Day

...because it's the "hump of the week". Funny conversation in art. But not for me! Seniors get tomorrow off! Yay! Except not because I'm running the freshman retreat from 7:30-12:30 and then volleyball from 1-4ish. Then the double amount of homework that they gave me precisely because we don't have school tomorrow.

Anyway, lately there have been a lot of rumors about engagements at school. And really, I'm just not down with teenage engagement. I think marriage should typically wait a while. I mean sometimes, yes, you're going to fall crazy in love with the person you want to be with when you're young. But three teenage engagements in a a school of 250? Seriously? I wrote a previous post on how marriage as an institution is being degenerated by culture and this is a prime example. Through popular culture some people have come to believe that 1) marriage at a young age isn't so abnormal(Underage & Engaged) and 2) that if it doesn't work out you can get divorced. Marriage is a lot of hard work. It usually entails supporting yourselves and possibly a family. I don't think people really get that. It bugs me. Yeah, you feel strongly, but I for one have changed A LOT in four years. How do I know I won't change so much in the next four, especially considering I'm going to a new place with new people and a whole new experience in college? I think by waiting you set yourself up for a better shot. If you can have the self control to wait, and take the time to really figure out if this is the right decision for you, I think you've got a much better shot.

An high school is just immature. I'm definitely ready to get out in the world where I can be with people with goals and drive. The apathetic, victimized nature of the students at our school makes me extremely angry. The eco club went to the effort of putting out mini- compost bins for the lazy asses who won't walk to the compost bin, and then I find one in the trash and one is missing even after I spent an entire lunch period looking in trash ans and recycle bins for it. And some kid threw away a bunch of paper right in front on my face while I was taking some recyclables out of the trash. ARE YOU BLIND? Goddammit, I can't wait to get out of here.

Oh and I got a FictionPress account but a lot of the stuff is pretty personal so if you'd really like it you could ask but I don't know that I'm ready for people to see it yet.

It's Sunday night AGAIN

and, per usual, I should be sleeping to get ride or this pesky cold, or RESEARCHING COLLEGES or studying or something of the like. But I just had to report on this most excellent highlight of my week.

This week in AP English we got a fatty binder on the AP Test. We also looked at some essays and focused on grading them. Matthew's favorite response as a reader was "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on." But this tops all answers by far. I want to meet this kid.(This is an essay on the poem "An Author to her Book by Anne Bradstreet).

"Her bastard child, born of sin and poverty, born imperfect and made yet imperfecter by the editing hand. A fitful child that grows up beyond the will of his mother-the very reason why God intends one day to destroy the earth.
Unbelievable, this poem is so full of the pain of creation, it makes me want to cut of my hands and get a vasectomy. But, it is so full of a guised(carefully suppressed) pride, that it makes me glad I haven't and shan't.
Let us begin the dissection...."


I'll put the rest of later. But that kid is seriously awesome.

I took about five colleges off my list this week only to add about ten. How counter productive. DREADING Pat Moore on Wednesday.

I'm obsessed with Dawn Mitschele. And "Golden Train" is a great song, Jess. Gracias!

It's Sunday night...

And I should be doing a bazillion other things. But blogging was on my to do list too and that's what I'm in the mood for, though it will not be quite the joyful blog I envisioned.

I WAS really excited for a project that came up for core team. The Salesian Leadership has adult conferences and at their latest one, they decided to promote dialogue and fraternity between Salesian schools. So for the first time ever, there will be a Salesian Youth Summit. The pretty cool thing is that it will be the first ever event in Northern California because Richmond and us always end up going down to LA. So part of it will be on our campus. Which is pretty cool in my opinion because I love our campus and this is a pretty big event. The sucky thing is that it's on Valentine's Day :/

Back to why it's awesome. So the Salesian communities are going to get together and present on social justices issue, specifically one that affect their area. For us that mean immigration and migrant workers. I knew immediately I wanted in. This is not your typical presentation. This is for youth, by youth. I really want to make a cool documentary and really be able to understand more fully what I drive by every single morning and to show that to other people. I feel that this is one of my first chances to really affect change. If we do a good job, this could bet bigger than the Youth Summit.

Another reason I got really excited was that this fit perfectly into my service project plans for this year. Last year Project Backpack went fairly well, and this year I want it to do even better. I feel that this year we can better target the needs of the people we're serving and elicit a more wide-spread response. However, the person that I was counting on for both an inside look into migrant life and for information on how to better meet their need is Brooke Johnson of Loaves and Fishes. She's super nice, I believe she went to Notre Dame, was in the Peace Core, and it young and relatable. She was just an awesome person. She provided us with specific and useful information last year for Project Backpack and was extremely grateful for the work we put in.

Too bad I found out this morning that she's leaving Loaves and Fishes in October. :( Project Backpack was going to be in December and The Youth Summit is in February. There go my awesome connections...

I've just got to figure out some other ways, I guess. I think I can handle it. It just put a bit of a damper on my excitement because we're kind of back to where we started last year, having to forge contacts all over again.

Anyway, tonight I was looking for quotes for the year book and I started with Jason Mraz. Duh. He is so fucking amazing.

the comfort of your strangeness

those are awesome.

if you don't have time to look here are a few of the highlights:

"I'm a vital organism, an accident put into motion to serve a purpose, to choose my own direction, to fulfill my own fantasies, my own dreams, to remember my own accomplishments, all in which will determine who I am."

"Eleanor Roosevelt said,
"Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people."
I want to have a great mind. But here I am discussing Eleanor Roosevelt already. "

Because he is so fscking awesome, he's mentioned several people or things I already love, love love(and then I'm just like ;aksjhdf;ashdfha NO WAY! and then I feel that physic vibe Marhieneke was talking about. I think Mr. A-Z and I have that for sure): Sufjan Stevens, Dawn Mitschele(who I found indirectly because of him through Bushwalla but it felt crazy amazing until I figured that out because she's not that well known.), Ingrid Michaelson, Regina Spektor, SIGG water bottles(!!!!! extra kismet on this one), and Brett Dennen.

It kind of makes my life that he can read my mind.

Ohhh and we ripped out my hideous bathroom floor today. I got a blister but it was so satifying that it was worth it.

Well now I haven't done any homework this weekend and it's already past my bed time. Whoopsies. I hope I didn't have anything...

I'll finish with this:


i wish we were falling nose to nose.

Videos

These are some of my favorite memories from school. As you can tell, I wasn't really meant for acting, I'm pretty much a freak but that's part of why they're funny. I make up for it on the technical side though I hope.

Ripple

ripple

The surface is silent.
All seems still.
Beneath the glassy surface, unknowns undulate and slide through the unclear waters.
A breath, one whispered word,
Like a blow to the stomach.

The façade has been broken.
Waves and ripples jostle for position, over countless emotions
shock
fear
relief
pain
love
Crashing, rolling, colliding, and subsiding.

Now all is still.
But the glimpse of the unknown remains.
Nothing can return.
The change is imminent, disastrous, beautiful.
The transformation is continual,
But this one word, this one breath,
It remains.

The ripple will always be felt.

In love

"By in love she meant the acuteness of the heart at the sudden sight of a particular person or the way over a couple of years of interested friendship one is suddenly stunned but the lungs' longing for more and more breath in the presence of that friend."- Grace Paley


"There are a hundred paths through the world that are easier than loving . But who wants easier?"- Mary Oliver

Late night nothings into somethings...

"On Love, In Sadness"

Oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
It's not falsified to say that I found god so inevitably well,
It still exists pale and fine. I can't dismiss
And I won't resist and if I die well at least I tried

And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pour over everything we say we trust
It happened again, I listened in thru hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, rust and in the rain endure.
The rust and the rain are sins
And I'm in like Flynn again

So go on place your order now cause some other time is right around the clock
You can stand in line. it finally begins just around the clock
You can have your pick if your stomach is sick whether you eat or not
And there is just one thing that I almost forgot

And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pour over everything we say we trust
It happened again, I listened in thru hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, rust and in the rain so easy
These are the comforts that be

You see well I'm feeling lucky oh well, maybe that's just me
You should be proud of me oh hell if you could only see
That we're gonna grow on up to be, ah yes
We are thick as thieves

Oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
It's not falsified to say that I found god
Inevitably, well it still exists pale and fine I can't dismiss
And I won't resist and if I die well at least I tried

And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pour over everything we say we trust
It happened again, I listened in thru hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind and the rust and the rain endure
(the rust and the rain endure. I'm sure.)

I am insofar to know the measure of love isn't loss
Love will never ever be insofar to know the measure of love isn't loss
Love will never ever be lost on me.
Love will never ever be lost on me.

This is an amazing song. I can identify with a lot of it right now.

It's three days into school and I;m already drowning in work. Grrrrreat.

Art and Mathews class are why I go to school. Mathews is nothing like I've ever had before. I thought it was all hype, but it was deserved. I hope college is like this in every class. I want to tape record every class it's so good. He's damn eloquent. I love the ideas but I struggle to master the language that he uses to delineate them so clearly, precisely and aptly even moments after he has just said them.

Today he said something along the lines of "You must believe with the entirety of your being in what you hold to be true while being aware that you could be completely and utterly wrong." It was awesome.

Religion could be interesting too. We talked about religion versus spirituality. We talked about how some people say "I'm more spiritual than religious" and what that means. I thought that was particularly pertinent because that's what I list under my religious views on Facebook. No one has ever asked me what this means to me, but I feel like I should "define" what that means to me. I write "define" in quotes because that is exactly why I am not religious. I fail to identify or define any explicit truths or discern any deity, universal or personal. Despite that, I still have a sense of connection, of meaning. I enjoy and participates in retreats because, though I am not Catholic, I still get spiritual merit out of them. I enjoy meditating, on nothing in particular or just on that sense of belonging to something bigger, that sense of community, of responsibility, of greatness. I am not an atheist. I am not a Catholic, a Buddhist or a Hindu. I am limited. I don't have any way to determine if there is a god or gods or what they want or how to best connect to or placate them. It's not within my power. Two years ago, I suffered from severe depression, panic attacks and thoughts of suicide while trying to figure out what I believed. Eventually, I realized that it's not something I have the capacity to determine, at least not at this stage in my life, maybe I never will. For now, I embrace my sense of community and try to enrich it.


"see I'm all about them words, over numbers, unencumbered numbered words, hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words, more words then I had ever heard...



and I feel so alive."

I'm back...(no pun intended)

And I've got heart and back problems. But the trip was still AMAZING. I'll put up more about it later, but right now I'm filling out like a ten page long survey on my health for my visit to the back doctor tomorrow. I went and got the x-rays this morning. I'm really surprised that I haven't started glowing in my nether regions seeing as I've had so many x-rays there already. My hips, my tailbone, now this. Why can't I just get a broken arm like normal people?

So as I am fillign this out, I start thinking about my hips. I get this a lot.

them:"You have six inch titanium pins in your hips?!?! You broke them?"

me: "Yes I do, but no I didn't break them. It's called a slipped capital femoral epiphysis(E-piff-uh-sis)."

them: o_0

Story of my life.

Anyway, I was looking up some medical words like tachycardia and palpitation to make sure I was spelling them right and decided to just browse around the information on slipped capital femoral epiphysis just because it is so RANDOM. I found that I have the worst luck in the world.

"A slipped capital femoral epiphysis is a separation of the ball of the hip joint from the thigh bone (femur) at the upper growing end (growth plate) of the bone."-PennHealth.com

It mostly occurs in overweight children because of the extra stress it placed on the ball of the hip. I am at the lower end of the BMI. Especially when it happened, I was tiny.

It is more frequent in boys than girls. 66% more common, actually.

It is more common in blacks than whites.

90% of cases are stable, 10% unstable. I had one of the worst cases of instability. "A child is considered to have "stable" SCFE if he or she can walk with or without crutches. More than 90% of cases are stable.A child who can't walk, even with crutches, has "unstable" SCFE. Unstable SCFE often occurs after a trauma, such as a sports injury or a fall. Falling can also cause a stable SCFE to be unstable." -familydoctor.org. I was unable to walk, was on crutches and then had not one, but THREE traumas. Two falls, one dicectly onto the hip, and, a slip after that. Jesus H. Christ.

60% of patients only have on slipped hip, the other 40% experience it in both. Me again.

It happens to one is 250,000 people and it happens to Drew and me a week apart. (Although he was a black male, so he's got an excuse.)

I should go to Vegas. I am apparently a great bet against impossible odds.

I'm off!

To Italy, Austria, Germany and Croatia for the European Global Challenge Tour!!!

I'm going to play volleyball at the international level. It's fucking insane. I am so excited.

I'll write all about it when I get back!




Ciao bella!

do you see me? all of me?

This is an awesome fscking picture. It's kind of how I feel like people. You see the parts you see or that they want you to see, but the rest of them is so intangible.

33 life lessons

I was using StumbleUpon a few minutes and came across this. It really justified all the things I've been thinking about the past few days and made me feel better about the choices I'm making. Some, no most of it is just so goddamn true.

1. Often those who aren’t the easiest to love are the ones who need it the most.
2. Seeing children play can make even the bluest day brighter.
3. Money is not the root of all evil, fear is.
4. The secret to happiness is the acceptance of yourself.
5. Happiness is not based on external status, it is an internal state.
6. Money can’t make me happy, but self-sufficiency gives me the freedom to share myself creatively, without worrying about how I’m going to pay the bills.
7. Every man has a right to choose his own destiny.
8. The path is the way.
9. Coming is going, going is coming.
10. The hardest is found in the easiest.
11. Heaven and hell exist here and now, within your own mind.
12. Life is the largest stage.
13. Music is one of the most supreme expressions of life. It is art in it’s most transitory form. It is gone within an instant, and therefore, extremely precious.
14. Follow your gut, you’ll thank yourself later.
15. Remember what your mother taught you, it came from the most sacred place of love that exists.
16. Never let an argument last, never hold a grudge, it will make your heart heavy.
17. Forgive those that have yet to do you wrong, and you won’t have to worry about it should the time come.
18. Be grateful for this moment, it is all there is.
19. The source of most of your frustrations and anxiety are the result of living in the future, or the past.
20. Spend time alone with yourself every day.
21. Always go with yourself, never against yourself.
22. You have to be your own best friend.
23. If you don’t like what someone else says to you, you can walk away. But if you don’t like what you say to yourself, you can’t walk away. Therefore, if you’re going to be with yourself all the time, you might as well be nice to yourself.
24. The truth shall indeed set you free.
25. Lies only exist if we believe in them.
26. Even the most fundamental beliefs about reality are not true in themselves. Our thinking makes them true in our experience.
27. Your thoughts create reality.
28. The biggest lie is the lie of your imperfection.
29. Being kind is more important than being right.
30. Your heart is your best compass.
31. Cherish those that you love, you never know if you’ll see them again.
32. Your beliefs are a filter for your reality.
33. Love is the supreme expression of life, it is the essence and ground of all creation.

I got this here. I'm very thankful that i found it because it really affirmed all the difficult decisions I've been dealing with.

There was also a passage in In the Lake of the Woods, which I just finished reading for AP English, about the fascination with the otherness of others that I really wanted to put up here but I can't find it :[



you, yes you.

So free...yet not...

WOW. It still hasn't hit me that school's over. I think it was because Easter break came so early this year that we were all burnt out long ago and so I didn't experience any real closure to the year because I was already dead. I wasn't even looking forward to summer because i knew that finals had to come first. So now it's over and it feels strange.

I can't believe that I'm a senior. Really. When we were little, in grammar school i remember looking at the 8th graders at assembly an thinking about how mature and old they looked. Then i remember thinking about what a senior in high school must look like if this is how massive and mature and 8th grader was. I remember having a sense of abstract awe and wonder at how smart and old that person must be. Now I look at 8th graders and think about how immature they are. And how young.

Another, seemingly paradoxical observation is that as a freshman, I remember thinking the upperclassmen were so much bigger and older than me. I especially recall meeting Sara Mailhot for the first time at volleyball open gym, how mature i thought she was. She told me all about going to design school and editing catalogs for Old Navy. She was so sure of herself. I was in awe. But now when I walk the halls, I don't feel like i look much older than the freshman, or that I'm loads more mature than them. It seems that that feeling worked only one way. It's so incredibly strange.

I'm starting to freak out about college a little more. I really need to go visit places this summer because I'm definitely not going to have time next year. Maybe more on this later...

Anyway, back to summer. It doesnt' feel like summer. Here's why

Megan's Giant To-Do List
-Volleyball trip(I got offered a spot on the NCVA Global Challenge Tour that plays in an international tournament in Croatia this summer. We also visit Germany, Austria(where we train in a Olympic facility with the Austrian Junior National Team) and Italy. Pretty much it would
FUCKING AMAZING. But.... it costs over $4,000 and is in less than a month)
-passport
-sponsorship letters(write, self-addressed envelopes, decide mailing list, get addresses and stamps)
-call the place that double charged me for my mom's Mother's day present
-get/pick between jobs(which is hard since I'm going away in the middle of the summer but parents say)
-college crap(senior profile, letters of recommendation, WHERE AM I GOING?)
-study for SAT IIs
-ecology club pre-school organizing\
-re-master our history video
-tons of little chores that have just backed up because I've been so crazy busy with school.

WHEW. lame. Can't wait to get it all out of the way. Which won't happen next week because I'm a counsel our at volleyball camp and I'm working on my mom's co worker's iPod for money. Well i was going to talk about my new bike but I'll save that for later. I'm waiting for a call back about possible sponsorship.

UPDATE: I got $500 from the Croatian club! Awesome. I'm going to go talk to them in October about my trip. Fun.

Hold your own, know your name, and go your own way...

Are the details in the fabric the things that make you panic?

This song is my life right now. In general, it for people like me. I have inherited panic attacks and a hyper-nervous personality from my mom, and combined with my dad's attention to detail my personality causes a lot of stress in my life. This song reminds me to let go. Especially picking apart my trust of others. I love that it starts with a voice mail. It's so real. Listen.



Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
mmmhmm

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you’re shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold♥


Only Human is amazing, too. I didn't think I liked the album version of We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things because I'd seen him live and had the live EP versions of several songs, but it's grown on me. I love the songs that I hadn't heard yet. The live versions are still better but I still love the CD. Jason Mraz is just pretty fucking amazing.

Life is not fair.

I've got a very good friend. And she's one of the friendliest, nicest, most outgoing and upbeat people that I've ever met. She's never a bitch and she doesn't get down on people or herself for that matter. She's THE single most positive person that I've ever met.

That's why I was so surprised to find out that her mom had died of cancer when she was about 8 or 9. That kind of tragedy is just unfathomable. You don't think about death at that age. That is something that little kids aren't meant to and shouldn't have to deal with.

Her dad is very upbeat too. He remarried a few years later and is a very joyful person. My friend really likes her stepmom, which is not always the case in these situations.

Now his second wife has cancer. Again. She had it before, but was thankfully in remission. Now she's been re diagnosed and given 18 months to live.

It's just so fucking unfair.

Schedule

My schedule for next year is kick-ass. If I had picked it myself, it could not have been better.

Homeroom-Colosi
AP Calc- Colosi
AP English-Mathews
World Religions-Marheineke
AP Bio-Cmaylo :]
Government/Philosophy -KI
Art 1-Gottfried

Two hardest classes first but that's how it is this year and i don't mind it. Gets them out of the way and I'm still somewhat focused. Bio before lunch is awesome. I just love E period for some reason. And then my to easy peasy classes after lunch. Which is soooo nice. And not stressful. If I could have picked the period for any one of my classes I would have chosen G period art hands down. So hooray! Senior year will be interesting. I think I've got a pretty good balance of hard and easy and I planned it that way. I just hope the new math teacher is nice. It isn't exactly my best subject so I'm hoping for someone compassionate.

I'm glad I didn't go for Spanish. I really loathe it now. I'm now acutely aware of how much I don't know. And I hate that, but taking the class would only make it worse because Wemp's left us so unprepared for it. But she's leaving and I am ALMOST done with it. Alleluia. Only two more weeks.

More art....

leap of faith.



soaring.



electric dreams.

Last night

Yesterday was pretty emotional. Amazing and then scary. Those two have gone together a lot lately. And because of that creative urge that I talked about, I created this to express myself. It felt really, really good.

God, I've gotten so distracted today. First I reorganized all the pictures on my computer and now I'm categorizing all my photobucket pictures. I can't help myself...

Okay here it goes...


spray paint peace sign on a peaceful blue abyss...


my life in my head... natural, beautiful, clear yet abstract and biased, idealistic, all encircled in my brain.


peace is what i crave. the ultimate ideal. it blends and fuses.


i want positive things. to lend a helping hand. to clean the environment. to make the world beautiful. create. think. build.

but there are all these things keeping me from it, pressuring me, changing me. false, ugly, things. some things that appear good and sometimes are. forces pulling me in all directions. nothing is whole. so much is fake. untrue. but is it unreal?

i am being torn apart. stretched. altered. molded. censored.













and it resulted in this:

then...



i want to be me. i want to be uncensored.

The Vaults

If I had had a blog then, this would have been something I would have written about. Often times I'll see people on the street and just be overwhelmed by the vast numbers of people who walk in and out of my life. There are billions of people in the world and here I am making contact with so many and yet so few, yet it is fleeting and meaningless. Will I ever see them again? Where are they going? What are they doing? Who are they? And I feel this sense of loss, like I'll never know what i may have missed out on. And then another face passes in the same blasé manner. And they too are lost. It haunts me.

The Vaults

I stride along this beaten path of mine
Nervously glancing at roads passing by
No time to ponder as I move away.
Quick twinges of regret and doubt– are hushed.
And yet the ember smolders still inside.

A single shining face catches my eye
Among the faceless millions gathered here
Questions begin to flash across my mind

I burn to ask, to understand it all.
What is your chosen path? Where will you go
From here. The future spreads, a boundless sea–
I’ll follow you to find reality.

But that face dissolves wholly from my world.
To be replaced by freshness of a soul
Which holds no more conclusions than the rest.
Surrounded by so many vaults, but not
A key to find the secrets of this life.

The multitude of faces in the street
I catch and release every sundry soul
In hopes of clues to aid me in my quest.
This unfathomable puzzle troubles
My being to its deepest core– Embers
Never dying, always wanting something more.

Creative urges

Lately I've been feeling very artsy. As of now, it's a rather vague sentiment. I just feel like there is something inside of me that needs to be expressed. Lately I've gone through so much emotionally and certain circumstances have lead to it all being bottled up. I think this is how it is choosing to manifest itself. Blogging is one way. I love it because I can express those little conversations I have with myself in the middle of class, or things that I think about deeply, but are too random to enter everyday conversation. I've already posted the picture I took a couple days ago. Keenan bit into his apple and that's just how it turned out. It reminded me of a picture in my dentist's office with dozens of pictures of hearts in random places; leaves on trees, a bent train track, a droplet of water. And I just felt like I should capture it. Luckily I had a camera for our history project and even though people thought I was being obsessive, I didn't get the best shot until the end of about a dozen or so. It made me feel really good. I want to take some kind of photography class. I don't really have time this summer but we'll see once my job situation is settled. For now, I'm going to post some pieces that I've written this year that I like.

I wrote this in English. The assignment was to model some of the Native American creation myths we had read.

The Necklace
Before the universe as we know it today, the vast heavens were inhabited by the family of the Sky Gods. Of them, the most powerful and mightiest was the Great Spirit. He highly favored his eldest daughter to whom he gave the most beautiful necklace.. This necklace was comprised of everything that was naturally good and beautiful. It shone as brilliantly as the stars and was as varied as the birds of the sky and the fish of the sea.
But one fateful day, as she removed the necklace for slumber, it slipped through her grasp and plummeted into darkness. She tore manically after it, her greatest possession disappearing into the unending black abyss. Yet the universe was not empty. Several balls, as of clay, dotted the landscape. The necklace collided with the clay ball, scattering it thousands of splendid beads across the Earth.
Frantically, the Goddess pushed aside mounds of earth with her massive fingertips, but the minuscule pieces eluded her grasp save for one bit of amber. In her anguish, her mounting sobs filled the newly created valleys, creating the Great Waters. When her family heard of what had happened, they lamented with her, but she could not be consoled. Finally, her brother suggested she use her powers to create Spirits capable of aiding her quest.
Thus with her small fleck of amber she created Hawk, with sharp eyes and sharp beak to navigate the skies to find and retrieve her gems. But Hawk could not recover all, nor even most of the beads. There were those lost within the Great Water, and those that were stowed in niches and mountains and every possible place. So with each discovery, the Goddess was forced to find a new animal to meet the specific needs of each bead. And from this came Fish, Otter and Turtle of the water and the Mole, Snake, Wolf and Mouse of the land and all the creatures in between until at last she had found them all, but alas! She had turned all but one of the jewels, the very last one, into animals in her quest to retrieve them all! She hung her only remaining memory of the necklace, a yellow diamond around her neck. It continues to hang around her neck every day giving light to the Earth until she removes it at night. Despairing again, she sulked for many, many years until the Great Spirit, with much difficulty, procured for her a new necklace of many great and beautiful things from every corner of the universe. She was overjoyed and spent a great deal of time admiring and flaunting it. Yet one day, as the novelty of her new necklace wore off, she realized that she enjoy creating new beings much more greatly than this vanity. And so she returned to that infamous ball of Earth, now inhabited by teems of the wonderful creatures she had created.
With this new found joy she created a new species comprised of all of the elements of the necklace and set these wonderful and amazing new beings to live in harmony with the rest of the creatures, but she gifted them with the ability to speak and to learn and to use the Earth to live. And thus the Goddess rises and dons her single diamond to oversee the good of the Earth, and rests peacefully at night, Her face glowing happily upon all its inhabitants.

creatures of the deep, birds of the air

creatures of the land cry; we cry. but in doing so, we deny the potential of our existence. we are blessed with understanding. therefore we must embody the whole. we shall embrace the silence of the creatures of the deep and we shall sing like the birds of the air.


this was an accident. so is love:

i call it "apple of my eye, shape of my heart."


art is my friend.


secularity and it's correlation to peaceful nations is interesting.


i'll post more later. i had to get these notes on because i can barely read them on my arm any more.

Duel

I wrote this poem last year and read it again a while ago. I think its my favorite thing that I've ever written. It was inspired by Pride and Prejudice but since has taken on my own story. Now it is even more a story of forgiveness and letting love wash over hurt.

Duel

A raindrop falls upon her countenance,
One exquisite drop, like a precious jewel.
It's wholesome goodness descends like a trance;
Yet nagging emotions inside her duel.

A fear of attachment, a fear to trust;
Qualms jostle, emotions a tangled web.
Meanwhile he stares into her eyes nonplused,
Confusion and doubt slowly flow and ebb.

Obdurate to prevent a world of hurt;
But nothing risked for love is nothing gained.
Gently placing her hand upon his shirt,
And her beautifully graceful neck craned

One notion emerges over the rest:
Love conquers, with one kiss 'tis now professed.

On nature

Nature is so amazing.

Whenever I'm sitting idly, I like to read the packages of whatever is sitting nearby whether its a box of cereal, sunscreen or some type of packaging. As long as I'm not doing anything, why not educate myself? I've learned that water and corn syrup are pretty much the staples of all food and that I imbibe lots of things that I can't pronounce.

Today there was a small box of baking soda sitting on my kitchen table as I ate. So i picked it up and read it as I ate. And I was struck by the all-encompassing nature of it. Baking soda is comparatively simple compared with the likes of many household cleaners that are highly toxic and terribly harmful for the earth. But here sits the most simple, most natural and yet most of the most versatile substances.

What stuck me as its strangest attribute was that it is such a versatile and effective cleaner, yet is completely edible and can even be used medicinally. It could clean really nasty messes that are most often treated with much harsher chemicals, but is gentle enough to wash your body, even your face(I have and it works very well indeed). Same goes for vinegar. My mom is so proud every time she uses it because it is so effective and as she is CONSTANTLY reminding me, earth friendly. Yet it too is edible. It seems that the simplest things are the safest, the most useful and the most versatile, so why don't we use them more often?

Nature has already given us the tools that we need. We just need to stop trying ot outsmart her and out-do her or we'll ruin this lovely place we call home with all our plastics and man-made chemicals.

27 uses for baking soda

32 Uses for Vinegar: (Almost) the Only Cleaner You'll Ever Need

Marriage

For our religion class, we were asked to bring in something relating to marriage or something that represents the meaning of marriage to you. I was listening to "How Lucky We Are" by Meiko and thought, "This song is about marriage. Actually, lots of songs can express things about marriage." This same day in religion, someone mentioned that the divorce rate is about 50%. This is devastating to me. I know that all marriages don't' work out. Abuse and addiction are not okay and shouldn't be tolerated. Yet I think that many of these divorces are advocated by society. In a world where celebrity matches and breakups are million dollar industries, people have gotten a lot more comfortable with divorce. Most often I hear "irreconcilable differences" cited as the reason for the split. I know it may be a bit naive, but I still believe in the kind of love that lasts. Not too long ago, I thought I had it. When you know someone deeply, enough that you would consider marrying them, you know that they have their faults, that you have your problems, but marriage is not just saying "I want to be with you a lot, and probably only with you." It is a promise to work things out, no matter how hard things get. When I get married, I don't want divorce to be an option. That's what marriage is. It's a promise to be with someone for the rest of your life. It is an expression of deep caring of what happens to that person. Yes, people change, but if you know them well enough to marry them, you will be aware of what changes them and why. You've promised to be understand and they've promised to help you understand. You promise to not run, you promise to always let them in, even if it hurts or if its not what you want. You give up personal desire to the well-being of your partner. Here are some songs that represent marriage to me.

Meiko- How Lucky We Are

One day we'll get outta this shitty apartment
One day is all it takes for things to turn around now
All I know is I got you and you got me, babe

And when that morning comes
I'll make coffee and you'll read the paper
We'll talk about our plans
And I'll keep saying how lucky we are

One day we'll get in the car and drive anywhere we wanna go
And then we'll stay in a five star, mini-bar, luxury hotel room
Cuz all I know is I got you and you got me, babe

And when that morning comes
I'll make coffee and you'll read the paper
We'll talk about our plans
And I'll keep saying how lucky we are

How lucky we are, oh oh oh
How lucky we are, oh oh oh
How lucky we are, oh oh oh
How lucky we are, are, are...

One day we'll turn on the tv and we won't see nothing 'bout war
And when that morning comes
I'll make coffee and you'll read the paper
We'll talk about our plans
And I'll keep saying how lucky we are

How lucky, how lucky we are
Oh how lucky, how lucky, how lucky we are
Oh how lucky, how lucky, how lucky we are
Oh how lucky, how lucky, how lucky we are

Even though things aren't great, love is still the most important. Their desires are for each other, They can pick up and leave everything as long as they are together. Even if life seems mundane, their love makes it worthwhile.

Shawn McDonald-Take My Hand

Take my hand to the promise land
And on You I want to stand
‘Cause I cannot do it on my own
You're what I need and I need to be
Right by Your side ‘cause I cannot hide
Lord, I know that I need You
Na na na na na na na na na, I need You
Na na na na na na na na na, I need You
Without You I'm so alone
I am weak but You are strong
You pick me up when I'm falling down
And I am crying
Out to You inside of my heart
I need You, Lord, oh so, for the part
I want You to have my life, Jesus
I fall to my knees
And I'm begging You, please, oh, Lord
Won't You change me
Make me new from the inside out
I want to shout out Your name


Even though this is a Christian song, it can also be applied to relationships. Neither can do anything without the other, because everything that affects one, affects the other. You can't hide from you spouse. Even if something is horribly wrong or shameful, they've both promised to work it out, and that shame is worth bearing for the sake of their love. He asks to be made new because your partner can see you objectively, your faults, your triumphs, your fears, and they can help to make you a better person, a person who lives for their love.

Jack Johnson-Do You Remember?

Do you remember when we first met? I sure do
It was some time in early September
Though you were lazy about it, you made me wait around
I was so crazy about you, I didn't mind

So I was late for class, I locked my bike to yours
It wasn't hard to find, you'd painted flowers on
Guess that I was afraid that if you rolled away
You might not roll back my direction real soon

Well, I was crazy about you then and now
The craziest thing of all, over ten years have gone by
And you're still mine, we're locked in time
Let's rewind

Do you remember when we first moved in together?
The piano took up the living room
You played me boogie-woogie I played you love songs
You'd say we're playing house now you still say we are

We built our getaway up in a tree we found
We felt so far away though we were still in town
Now I remember watching that old tree burn down
I took a picture that I don't like to look at

Well all these times they come and go
And alone don't seem so long
Over ten years have gone by
We can't rewind, we're locked in time
But you're still mine
Do you remember?"

This traces the story of a relationship exquisitely. It starts as that initial maddening infatuation, that extreme dedication. As the times passes, the relationship gets deeper, more familiar, still amazing, but more comfortable. The tree incident represents problems that were overcome. Time flies and we often take our lovers for granted, but we constantly remind ourselves of our commitment and love for one another.


Jason Mraz-Beautiful Mess

you've got the best of both worlds
you're the kind of girl who can take down a man
and lift him back up again
you are strong but you're needy
humble but you're greedy
and based on your body language and shoddy cursive I've been reading
your style is quite selective
though your mind is rather reckless
while I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is..

and what a beautiful mess this is
it's like picking up trash in dresses

well it kind of hurts when the
kind of words you write
kind of turn themselves into knifes
and don't mind my nerve
you can call it fiction
but I like being submerged
in your contradictions dear
cause here we are
here…. we…. are…

although you are biased, i love your advice
your comebacks they're quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
there's no shame in being crazy depending on how you take these words
i'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

but it's a beautiful mess, yes it is
it's like picking up trash in dresses

well, it kind of hurts when the
kind of words you say
kind of turn themselves into blades and
kind and courteous is a life, i've heard
but it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
cause here… here we are, here we are, here we are, here we are,
here we are, here we are, here we are, here we are, here we are
we're still here, and it's a beautiful mess, yes it is…

it's like taking a guess when the only answer is YES
through timeless words and priceless pictures, we'll fly like birds not of this earth
tides they turn, hearts disfigure
but that's no concern when we're wounded together
and we tore our dresses and stained our shirts but it's nice today;
oh the wait was so worth it

here we are.

This song accurately describes any relationship that has been hurt, but where there is true love. And in marriage, things are bound to go wrong sometimes, people hurting others with or without the intention to. But "that's not concern when we're wounded together". If both people are completely open, they can begin to heal. Keeping it bottled up only keeps it from being resolved and decays the love. Marriage and relationships are messy, but "here we are". We have these problems, and we have this life, the best thing we can do is work them out and save what's most important, our love.