one year

how much can change.

self-image

strengths

friends

loves

One thing I do miss in college is driving. Not so much for getting around, I love public transit, but as time to think. I did a lot of thinking on the way home tonight. About my Kairos letter, about forgiveness. I'm obsessed with (500) Days of Summer. Partly because I feel so related to it. The first time I saw it, I didn't know if I liked it. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach in the Expectations/Reality scene. Been there, done that. I've already watched three times in two days. Once with the commentary. What I found truly intriguing was the fact that the producers, the writers and the actors themselves couldn't agree as to whether Summer was truly there in their final scene in the park. I'd never even considered that, though it make sense because the relationship as it exists in Tom's mind so permeates the film. My immediate reaction was no, that can't be true. That's not good enough, that's not true closure. But it brings me back to that dream that Gotti and Helen talked with me about what happened and they apologized for it happening the way it did. And I went to school the next day without a qualm in the world and then in Philosophy I turned around to talk to her and I realized that it was all a dream and all the pain came crashing back down. But it had seemed so real. Maya had one just like it the other day about someone she thought she had decided she didn't want in her life and then she dreamed about them. It's so weird how these things can hold such sway over us. How dreams can become reality.

My Kairos letter was interesting. I always hate when they make you write letters to yourself. What can I say that I don't already know? They'll only help if I had amnesia. Anyway it was highly ironic. I wrote all about how Kasey told me the first semester was really lonely and that I should be patient because it took me four years at SF to really figure out how to be friends with everyone. Things couldn't have been more different. Most people I thought I'd worked things out with quickly turned their backs on me, and I could not have had a better first semester at college. I love my roommate, I've made awesome friends, I cannot wait to go back. I really miss them all.

Got lots of new music from Roque. I'm excited to play it all. And I got a last.fm account so that it could analyze my musical tastes more thoroughly because apparently they still don't make sense to some people. Even though I don't listen to Jason Mraz nearly as much as I used to, it was interesting to note that he is still the top played artist in my iTunes. Some habits die hard ;)

i've been lovin' you forever, but i never knew your name....

So you want to be in love like the movies

but in the movies, they're not in love at all...

Still fun to watch though. I've watched about six today because I got my wisdom teeth out this morning. I'm doing okay but I'm TERRIFIED of dry socket. That would happen to me. So I watched Death at a Funeral, When Harry Met Sally, Julie and Julia, G-FORCE(mom's choice, worst movie ever), Dirty Dancing, and bits of Enchanted, Sleepless in Seattle and now I'm watching The Holiday.

I also got to see a lot of previews for movies, which are fairly scarce in college. Lotsa new movies I want to see. Other than that I want to see a lot more of the classics so that will be our Netflix goal next semester, ex. Casablanca, Shawshank redemption, and at least enough of the classics to function like a normal person.


But woo for not feeling like I'm dying right now! Let's get over this quick and onto Winter Break! I already miss my school family though!

Books

The BBC believes most people will have only read 6 books from this list. Copy the list into your own note.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen X
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling X
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee X
6 The Bible X
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell X
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare X (some)
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien X
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger X
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald X
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky (READING)
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck X
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis X
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis X
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini X
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne X
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown X
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez X
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery X
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding X
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen (on my bookshelf waiting for me at home :) )
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon X
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez X
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck X
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville X
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett X
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno - Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White X
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare X
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl X
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

26 and at least 4 of them are on my bookshelf right now just waiting for me! yay for free time!

happy

Megan is happy.

Simple as that. P'u.

So glide away on soapy heels and promise not to promise anymore

Sucessfully changed my earrings! These are the really cute heart ones that Chaney got me : D

I'm so close. Just religion test today and I'm free until Tuesday. Fabulous.

I'm really excited for the Honors Party Friday. I just love those kids and there will be cookie decorating and a gift exchange! I'm bringing The Plague by Camus :) Our presentations won't be too bad either because even though we only ended up hosting one Kenna Kitchen, it sounds like our project was not only more involved than most other projects, it is one of the few that stayes true to food sustainability. What some people got away with is so ridiculous. Then Saturday is Saturday market and Christmas shopping with Maya, Linds, Alec and Annie! Annie has lived here her whole life and she's never been to Saturday Market... so I'm way pumped to take her. Then we'll exchange gifts. I'm so excited for everyone to see what they got! Maya will be SO pumped haha.

Then just German and Politics finals to go!

I'm obsessed with this song:

You say your time has come
You're tired of waking up
Don't be obscene, I can't conceive of
Living without you

You say you drag us down
No one should want you now

When I start to cry, you kiss my eyes and say
I'm not allowed to

Burning beacon in the night
Can't feel its heat, or see its light
That single solitary guide, it must get lonely there sometimes

You were a child forgot
Lessons of love untaught
Now no embrace can quite replace
The one that never found you

I was raised tenderly
All that was taught to me
I will apply, your parents tried but they didn't know how to

Burning beacon in the night
Can't feel its heat, or see its light
That single solitary guide, it must get lonely there sometimes

Let me stand by you
The honor is mine
Let me stand by you
Loneliest light, loneliest light, loneliest light

Burning beacon in the night
Can't feel its heat, or see its light
That single solitary guide, it must get lonely there sometimes

I've had this song for a while, weird I haven't found it before.

it's funny though because instead of being from all one point of veiw, to me this sounds like every fight i'd ever had. it's not a monologue, it's a dialog.

This will all fall down like everything else that was
This too shall pass and all of the words we said
We can't take back

Now every fool in town would've left by now
I can't replace all of the wasted days
The memory of your face - I can't help thinkin'

Maybe if we ever coulda kept it all together
Where would we be
A thousand lost forevers
And the promises you never were giving me
Here's what I'm thinking

It won't be the first - heart that you'll break
It won't be the last - beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked - won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world (last beautiful girl)

So Tell me one more time
How you're sorry about the way
This all went down -

you needed to find your space
You needed to still be friends
Ya Needed me to
Call you if I ever couldn't keep it all together you'd comfort me (should have believed)
Tell me bout forever
And the promises I never should have believed
Here's what I'm thinking

It won't be the first - heart that you'll break
It won't be the last - beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked - won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world (last beautiful girl)

It's over now - and I've gone without
Cuz you're everyone else's girl
It seems to me - you'll always be
Everyone else's girl
Everyone else's girl

This will all fall down
Like everything in the world
This too must end
And all of the words we said
We can't take back

It won't be the first - heart that you'll break
It won't be the last - beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked - won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl

It won't be the first - heart that you break
It won't be the last - beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked - won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world (last beautiful girl)

The last beautiful girl in the world (last beautiful girl)
You are the last beautiful girl (last beautiful girl)
Beautiful girl

-Matchbox 20

love

i want to love better.
i don't want to judge.
i want to be close.
i want to be independent but always carry you in my heart.
i don't want the life that they lived.

there's nothing i can do for you you can't do for yourself

oh yes, you can just hold my hand; i think that that would help.


Break was AMAZING. I got to see so many people and spend lots of time with them. So glad I got to go to the Stanford/Cal game. It was fabulous. I have missed April and Denise a lot.

School is insane. Presentation due Wed, rough draft of a five page paper that I still have to read a book for due tomorrow, 12 page paper I haven't started due Monday, along with my Public Speaking final, German test, 5 page religion paper and the only test for the whole semester in religion due that day. FANTASTIC. The bright side is that I only have two finals finals week so I'm pretty done after next week. I'll just have a speech paper and the honors presentation to go. But that involes a party so yay :)

My room is so Christmased out. It's amazing. Hooray door decorating contest!

The Hill

you

getting nowhere on an upwards slope

staring at the sky

dreaming of angels more perfect

than the most delicate bloom

lying crushed and dying beneath your oblivious sole

reckoning sweet and ghostly kisses

upon your fettered lips

i have seen the top of the hill

the deepest crevice

i too remember that night of breathtaking stars

and the soft, effervescent meadow

in my curling toes

eyelashes fleecy and gentle upon my gooseflesh,
then gone with the wind,

two wishes, two ways

gravity, inescapable

but chained by bygone kisses, you resist

oh but the wisdom of the world;

newton knew better

my feet begin to slide, itching for more ground

the grass begins to grow too long

itching for new life

longing to escape your stifling stance

slope steepens, i'm gaining speed

and you pass out of sight

i catch up wildflowers in my arms

as the wind catches up my soul

caresses of a different kind

similarly sweet

but they linger longer,

a sweet breath of promise,

steady and safe,

without fear.

faster, faster

the sights
of cities

synthesize below

a whirlwind

so wide and deep

I catch

small snippets of

the timeless

nymphs

whispering

the secrets

of exuberance,

ecstasy

free, but not alone

love

radiates

from

all

b

o

u

n

d

s

.

I go freely, swiftly

with the grounding gravity of hope,

sure it will lead me safely

to his wonderfully strange

and cradling shores.

wow. that felt really good. i haven't written any poetry in a while. just haven't really been inspired lately. but i just saw things much more clearly. i guess this was kind of a response to my own post about time in it's own way.

Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow, carrying with Her the good things we know...

"The Ballad of Love and Hate" is amazing. One of the most lyrically powerful songs I've ever heard. I love the duality of it all. It's a personified narrative but also maintains commentary on the abstracts of love and hate. My favorite word in the whole song is "whatever"; their play on it is magnificent, especially in this day and age. I feel like it's a commentary on our attitudes as a society. "Whatever" has come to mean "I don't care", or even further, "I don't care about you", divorce rates go up, relationships fail, meaning falls through. But when we actively turn that dismissal on it's head, when we revert to the true sense of the word, "regardless" or "through all things", we regain the wholesome, truly loving relationship. Genius.
This week went well. Aced my persuasive speech. I emailed Mathews to say thanks after I got that complement on my analysis. It was good to get in touch with him. I really feel like that class utterly prepared me for college. He invited me to coffee over break and to come back to speak to AP English, which should be fun because at least four kids from SF have told me they're interesting in UP and want to visit me. I'm so excited to show them around! Also been in touch with Marheineke about the papers for Cade's baptism. He sounds like he's really getting things going there, he said that he got to meet Sr. Helen Prejean and give a talk at a human rights conference. I'm so excited for him because that can only mean more opportunities for core team. He told me to graduate already so they can hire me at St. Francis and help him change the world. It was weird because I was just realized a few weeks ago that I might want to do that when I was talking to Janie about what I want to do after school. It just came out and I realized I'd love to do that. I got a lot from that school and I'd like to give that back to future generations. Plus that community is just so well connected, you can get a lot done. So during politics the other day, I looked up what it would take to change my major to teaching, and that's DEFINITELY not going to happen, but that doesn't have to be the only path I'd take. I could always do Denise's job, I already know it all already anyway haha.

So tonight was registration. It was extremely stressful but Maya, Lindsey, Annie and I just had a registration party in my room and we all got each other prepped and through it successfully. So here are my courses for next semester. For now I'm a Organizational Communications major with a potential Social Justice Minor, if I can squeeze it in. But with Salzburg I use up a lot of my elective credits and Org Comm has more upper division hours than most majors so I'm basically going to be doing all of those when I get back.

Intro to Philo- Evangelist
Macroenomonics-Allender
Elementary German-Hill
Writing and Reporting-Weisensee
Entrepreneurial Marketing-Ritter
and then, I seriously just decided to take this on the spot, because everyone else had more than 15 credits and I felt like a slacker, and I don't have any classes Tuesday or Thursday and I don't like that because I want something to get me out of bed and get me going, and I want that social justice minor so I added
Foundations of Education-Antcil

It can only have 5 people in it, interestingly enough, and I am only the 2nd person to register for it. I'm going to talk to my advisor about it. I can always drop it if I'm too busy. Prof looks awesome though. I'm so happy with Hill for German too, I'll definitely miss her next year. Macro is going to suck but Molly and possibly Kelly are in it, and I'll have it all out of the way when I get back from Salzburg. I found that my 5 on AP Bio got me out of TWO WHOLE SCIENCE classes so I don't have to take science ever again! Although I was kind of looking forward to the chemistry and art class, but it really did involve science so that's okay hah. I feel like Weisensee will be better for writing and reporting because she's actually a free lance and her writing is really good. And gives me a lot of constructive feedback on my writing. Plus, she's really nice. With all that and Relay for Life, Honors, Border Plunge, CEC, and Social Science Club, I'll be pretty busy but hopefully I'll stay sane :) I just really hope that I have time to do E-scholars junior year. That program looks awesome.

They'll name a city after us, then later say it's all our fault

So much good music going around right now. I saw Landon Pigg and A Fine Frenzy last night. They were both great. A Fine Frenzy has such an amazing voice. I didn't like her live version of the Minnow and the Trout or Rangers as much as the recorded versions, but that was just because they were stylistically different. Nonetheless, the power of her voice live is unrivaled. I LOVED the live version of What I Wouldn't Do. She has the incredibly ability to sing softly, almost huskily, and still belt it out. It was an incredible combination. Although Landon Pigg didn't play Can't Let Go, my FAVORITE song, I got to meet him and give him a hug and get a picture and an autograph. I was so excited, I was slightly dumb for a minute but then my words caught up with me and I got to talk to him about Can't Let Go. He said he was considering playing it, and I was considering shouting it out, but neither of us did, so we decided I just have to go to another show of his :)

Today started off pretty crappily. Found out that this extremely annoying kid is going to Salzburg. I wouldn't normally bother me, but my Nikki experience shows me that irritating people in close quarters in foreign countries is hard for me. He'd be in ALL of my classes and on vacations and stuff. So that's something to think about.

Then I called to make my appointment for my wisdom teeth and they didn't have any appointments after Christmas. So I have to get them out the 18th, the day after I fly home. Which means that at the five or so days I normally love most out of the whole year I will be incapacitated. And that I won't get to help Marhein with a really awesome service project. Or possibly get to eat Christmas dinner and more importantly See's candy. But friends have promised lots of movies and Christmas music and frozen yogurt so that should help.

My day got a little better when I went to my meeting with Weisensee. She said my essay was "exemplary analysis" and that this is kind of thinking is exactly what leads to success in upper division classes and I got the highest grade in the class. Which was nice. I seem to do exceptionally on essays and still working out the kinks on what material is most important for exams.

Hopefully I can finish out these last few days until Thanksgiving break with a good jump on things. That would be todschick ;)

time

is so strange. its like you're moving forward in some aspects, but other strains of time, of development, of relationship, are stunted; locked in time.

does this mean i'm compartmentalizing?

i just want to move forward. faster, if you please. i'm getting restless.

My Midnight Prayer

Dear Gods of the Universe,

Please make tomorrow Fall Break or please instill in me some rabid and fervent fear of you that will compel me to finish this damn speech, study for all my midterms and not die. Oh, and please find me a ride to the airport. That's all. Thanks.

Supernaturally yours,
Megan

(500) Days of Summer

I liked it even better the second time. It is just so well put together. Right blend of artsy/indie and plot. Officially one of my favorite movies ever. The soundtrack is also amazing. Not quite as good as Juno, but still damn good. Also downloaded some more Carla Bruni because it's just so hauntingly beautiful. I feel sophisticated listening to it. Great for homework music too because the lyrics are all in French so I can't get caught up in them.


I love new music :)

And you can feel your careful heart breaking into the usual chords...

Woooo. Almost time to breathe. It seems like Fall Break is so close and yet SO far. I'm so glad that I'm not going home yet. I kind of want to, but not quite yet. And I'm just excited to go back east and see what it's all aboot! I'll be ready by Thanksgiving. I can't wait to meet the boys and to be Cade's godmother :)) And see Denise and Roque and whoever else is home.

Talked to Liz for an hour today. I'm so glad I go here. There's so much to do on campus and in the city and partying is minimal. Too much to do in fact! Maya, Alec and I went to Saturday Market this weekend and it is officially my new most favorite place ever. The food was AMAZING. As Alec said, "I would endure Communism EVERYDAY to eat this stuff." I signed up to be a Team Captain for Relay for Life and I wish it happened sooner than April! Also turned in my Study Abroad application today so I should be set for Salzburg soon. God, I can't wait. I'm sad I won't be on campus, but I know it's something I have to do for myself.

School is going well. I LOVE my politics class. Malecha is so engaging, if slightly insane, and just so passionate about his subject. We read All the Kings Men by Robert Penn Warren and I do believe it was a great book. Today's class was awesome because I already love that class and we got to analyze English lit. I could have written a BOMB AP English essay for that book, but alas I had to stay on topic. However, I feel like Mathews class COMPLETELY prepared me for college. I would be scared and cowering in a corner right now without it. I miss him a lot.

I love the set up of college. My procrastinating is getting better because a) the fact that everything holds so much weight really freaks me out and motivates me, b) there's minimal to no busy work, c) I love my classes and d) I don't know what the profs. expect so I try really hard. Paying off so far. We'll see how midterms go next week.

What won't be so easy is my work to be done over Fall Break. Kid is as dense as a brick, I tell you. It's really frustrating because I thought that I laid all the rules out before hand. I thought that once he had it, he couldn't live without it. But some people are just masochistic like that. And I can't understand that.

But I still am looking forward. To tomorrow, or Fall Break, or next semster. There's just so much out there to experience and I'm enjoying everyday as it comes :)

Smiley Face

I aspire to be this kind of person for others:

What did you do? What did you say?
Did you walk - or did you run away?
Where are you now? Where have you been?
Did you go alone - or did you bring a friend?


I need to know this - cause I notice when you're smilin'
Out in the sun havin' fun and you're feelin' free
And I can tell you know how hard this life can be
But you keep on smilin' for me

What went right? What went wrong?
Was it the story - or was it the song?
Was it overnight - or did it take you long?
Was knowing your weakness what made you strong?


Or all the above - oh how I love to see you smilin'
And oh yeah - take a little pain just in case
You need something warm to embrace
To help you put on a smilin' face
Hey, put on a smilin' face

Don't you go off into the new day with any doubt
Here's a summary of somethin' that you could smile about:
Say for instance, my girlfriend she bugs me all the time
But the irony of it all is that she loves me all the time

I want to be you - whenever I see you smilin'
Cause it's easily one of the hardest things to do
Your worries and fears become your friends
And they end up smilin' at you
Put on a smilin' face

-Gnarls Barkley

Love it here

I adore it here. Found awesome friends, and I have different friends for different things. Classy ones at that!

Spent the night running through sprinklers, playing intense ping pong and dancing and singing my heart out! And no one complained ;)

And people who don't respect me are officially out of my life and it feels good.

Can't sleep

Didn't see this coming. But what can you do. I wish my mind wasn't so mixed up. I wish 3,000 miles wasn't so far, wasn't in the future.

I really enjoyed my public speaking class tonight. I think it's my favorite class so far, which is news to me. I thought it would be a pain in the ass, having it at 7-10 on Monday nights but it was really interesting and I always have a lot to say. I'm so glad that I've already had to give my valedictory speech. Even though it was for graduation, it was such an intellectual challenge for me and I was amazed how much it influenced my ability to analyze the speech we watched tonight. And generally everything that I have to do for that class can't be one tenth of the pressure as my valedictory speech. Maybe my excitement from that class is contributing to my insomnia.

Tick tock.

http://www.humanclock.com/clock.php

COLLEGE

Things I love about college:

Flight of the Conchords sessions like every night

Amazing all you can eat food

Epically failing at laundry

Pretty dorm rooms

Staircases that always come out somewhere different just like Hogwarts.

Showers that make it impossible to shave your legs

Guy who goes room to room playing guitar and singing The Shins, The Decemberists, Journey, and Bright Eyes AMAZINGLY. Random acts of kindness make me more happy than anythign in the world.

Living in a building shaped like an X

View of the river and downtown Portland from my dorm room window

Habit of singing all the time making you friends because people easily discover similar interests!

Biking to P-safe

Spending 3 hours at Fred Meyer

Flower watching

Roomate with the exact same living schedule as me

Higgins, Powell's, and Voodoo

Poems on the bus and the MAX

Failing at German with friends at your side

Learning the word asshole on the second day of class and saying it repeatedly

Soccer games and the drum squad

Automatically having 30 friends from honors wherever you go!

My mac :)

I love it here. It is the most gorgeous campus I've ever seen. I love my dorm and all the people that live here. It has only taken a week for it to feel like home. I'm already applying for and involved in so many things, it's amazing. I really, really hope that I can get a spot on Nicaragua and hopefully it won't interfere with Salzburg! So much to look forward to! I can't wait!

Every night I am filled with immense joy, I have never been so happy in my life. Not just with school, but with my friends, here and elsewhere(but always in my heart!).

I am that I am.

Two letters

I've written them a thousand times in my head. One, I've known has been coming the whole summer, but that doesn't make it easier. I know exactly what I want to say but I am so afraid of leaving things out. I have to say it now or it will never sink it. I can't leave any illusions, any false hopes.

The other I'd resigned that I'd never get a chance to write. The opportunity is given now, when I have tried so hard to let it all go, to forget it, to give up because I never thought I'd hear those words. All the pain and the heartache comes rushing back. Even now what they did to me seems unfathomable and I want them to know because I think how could they have possibly been listening the first time and done nothing? And how can you apologize for what you don't even know? But I want it all to be over, I don't want to drag those things up, to make it worse. I don't want to discover that this, just like the others, is hollow, that he is not really sorry for those things that hurt the most. But I don't want to lost this chance to heal either. I wish I had not been put in this place right now. There are so many other things on my mind, so many other people who have been there for me that I need to take care of, to be present with in these moments that we have before I leave. I just feel numb. I can't bear the hate and the hope and the chance that if I decide to hope that it could all be hollow again. And that would be the worst thing of all which is why I tried to let it all go.

So for now, I just sit here, my mind at a million miles an hour but getting nowhere.

Merry Happy

Woo! The last couple of days have just been excelente! I booked my flight to Florida for a week in August and I should book my flight to LA for Jess's wedding any day now AND I leave for the reunion in Tahoe(♥) Thursday night. Work is amazing. Yes, sometimes it's mindless but I don't even mind that. I have a lot to think about these days anyway. And work at the Boardwalk was mindless AND stressful and you didn't even get music or free food, office gossip or the hours you want or most importantly, $14 an hour! I love making bank. And since I was in there all the time, I'm super familiar with everything anyway. Sad that D is gone now though :( and that Lina is leaving next week!

Camp is also next week! Soooo stoked! I love little freshies. And Ashley, Cakelin and S-rod. Hopefully my shoulder continues to do better. My new PT is AHHHMAZING. I thought she was one of those really awkward types at first, which I think she is a bit, but once you getting her talking about physical therapy, she just can't stop! It's really evident why my last PT didn't work out; she had NO idea what she was doing. Michelle told me that bands are not going to help my injury at all. No wonder I got so frustrated!

I am having a really good summer, much better than I ever could have hoped but I cannot help but be excited out of my mind for school!!!! I got all my classes, FINALLY.

Public Speaking

Elementary German

Intro US Politics (Honors)

Intro Religion & Theo

Food Sustainablility (Honors)

CST 101B Workshop

Intro to Com Studies

I decided on German so that hopefully I can do the full year in Austria next year. It's super intense that it would be so soon and for a whole year but it's so amazing I just can't pass it up! I'm also incredibly stoked on the Honors Colloquim. The more I hear about it, the more excited I get. The Food Sustainibility course is actually for that first week that we're all there before everyon else gets there and from what I've been given so far it's a lot like Food Fast as far as the awareness aspect. We're going to go to farmer's markets and grocery stores and museums and really look into diet and buget for food around the world. I'm a little worried about the summer assignment, tracking everything you eat and how much it costs down to the teaspoon of sugar in your tea because my parents aren't the best cooks nor the most cooperative and I have to give a presentation on it the day I move into the dorms. Nothing like diving head first. I really love the text that goes with the course so far though and I may look a little more into Wendell Barry and some other background resources just to be a little more well versed.

It all just feels so right. This is where I belong. I felt it when I was there. The social justice, the service, the people, EVERYTHING. I'm so glad I didn't let me convince myself into Santa Clara. I would have regretted it and I have no tolerance for regret. It is a wasted emotion; time moves on and it does absolutely no good to wish to change something that cannot be changed and I never want to look back and say "I wish" or "if only". You only get one shot at life, one time to go to high school, one time to go to college, one chance to do everything you every dreamed and you're never gaurunteed any moment past the present so you have to do your absolute best in the here and now and when the time comes you won't regret it. I know I don't. Yes, some unfortunate things happened, but they followed naturally from previous events and seemed the best that could be done at the time and therefore I don't regret them. This attitude has payed me the greatest dividends, well evidenced by the fact that I was chosen as valedictorian even though I didn't have the highest GPA. People recognize that I am passionate and it has earned me respect. I almost laugh to think that the person who most opposed my push-the-envelope attitude was Helen. I know there will be more people like her, people who want to settle for the ordinary and accomplish to get done, yet I know who I am and where I'm going and I'm grateful that it is nothing like the way the rest are going. I've got more waiting and I plan to milk it for everything it's worth.

Here's to life. And to love.

Knock, knock, knock, knock scratch

Everybody took everything that they could and they, made a little town out of stones and out of wood
And they, made a little king out of plasticine and they threw the rules away but they kept the wisdom in.

And all of the birds and the bees lived so peacefully.
And all of the babies they slept so so gently.

Until, little red little red little red little red little red little red little red little red

little red little red little red little red little red little red came knocking

Little garden how do I make your flowers grow.
When I already do everything that I know.
I bring you sunshine and I bring you rain, still you refrain

All the other gardens are so full of flowers they're so colourful yet I spend all these hours trying to make you as beautiful as them but still you refrain.

knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock scratch

and a knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock scratch

and the knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock scratch

and the knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock scratch

Little girl why are you crying.
Just because the flowers in your garden are dying.
There's so much that you could be doing and all of your neighbours well they haven't got a clue.

Oh come on with me we'll have a little bit of fun yeah it's not too dangerous and we won't hurt any one.

We'll cause some havoc between the birds and the bees.
Yeah we'll we'll paint the town red and we'll shake the trees oh

Come on with me we'll and I'll show you a good time.
All you have to do is a jump and climb
I'll take you over to the other side of town.
There's so much to do there and no one wears a crown.

Should I go or should I stay, my flowers are dying and I'm sick and tired anyway.
This boy seems kind of cool his jeans seem pretty low,
well i think i'll go

jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump climb

and the jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump climb

and the jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump climb

and the jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump climb

Oh lets pack a picnic and we'll go for a drive.
We'll go to a funfair and go on all the rides.
We'll climb up a mountain and we'll take in the sites.
We'll jump in a plane and fly.

If you want you can come back to mine we'll drink some coffee and you can spend the night.
We'll do anything that makes you smile.
'cause your smile is beautiful and it makes me happy
'cause your smile is beautiful and it makes me happy

This little girl, she grew up and moved away and she, she lived her life full of risk and full of play. And she, she lived her life with so much to say.
And her flowers they grow more beautiful everyday.

Kate Nash

Valedictory Speech

Good morning.

Four years ago, seventy-three unique freshman joined the class of 2009. Some of us were excited for a fresh start; others were accompanied by the same friendly faces with whom we had gone to school since kindergarten. Some of us were excited to not have to pick out an outfit in the morning for the next four years; perhaps even more of us were less than pleased to find ourselves in a place that had the nerve to limit our self-expression with uniforms.

Whatever our particular situation, we were all here, and we had a blank canvas of four years together on which to paint our legacy. Regardless of what school we came from or what previous experiences we had, we all have surely gotten a bit more than we bargained for.
We were challenged to make this place more than a school, but also a church, a playground, and a home. In a school so new, we were forced to step up and become catalysts and creators, innovating and establishing in areas where once there was nothing. We saw the emergence of vibrant programs from our own hands. When we arrived here, the school was taking a colossal leap with its first-ever year of varsity team sports. Now, four years later, we’ve seen a CCS sectional championship in volleyball; an SCCAL title in women’s basketball; a sectional championships spot in baseball; and we can boast that we are the smallest school in history to ever receive a CCS berth in football. The class of 2009 was integral in the development and enhancement of almost every existing program on campus: an auspicious VITA program for freshman; a thriving mock trial team; full-fledged drama productions and choir performances; Project Santa and the Second Harvest food drive, both significantly benefiting the local community. Even those of us fatigued with the regimen of high school—I mean, what’s up with detention on the last day of finals for a uniform violation— have learned to exercise our freedom in other and more sophisticated ways, resulting in cogent thinkers who express themselves with eloquence in language.

As were the architects, contractors, and donors who generously built this school for us, we were expected to build something from nothing, and the relationships that we forged with each other allowed our efforts to be successful. These efforts were born from necessity, but by choosing what we each wanted to invest in our high school, we were, each of us, unknowingly developing the character that will ultimately shape our adult lives. As Sister Helen Prejean notes, or as Phil will tell you, the movie “Batman Begins” insists, “it’s what you do that defines you.”

On our best days we realize how truly blessed we are. We have been given a superior education in the true Salesian way, not merely academic, but an education of the whole person. But in a much more basic sense, we have been given much that we often take for granted – we are not hungry, as the world is; we are not homeless, as many are; we are free to say what we think, as many worldwide are not. Yet our blessings are never without purpose. Luke’s gospel reminds us “to whom much is given, much is required." And so we are charged with this: we live in a world where technology and communication continue to permeate every corner of the globe. This universal communication gives us unrivaled tools for peace and understanding and, simultaneously, makes us painfully aware of the extent to which our world is troubled. This awareness very necessarily comes with the responsibility to propel us to action. It is inevitable that at times we will feel impotent or overwhelmed by this onslaught of disturbing facts, horrific news, and the realization that such a multiplicity of problems demand our attention. In our moments of helplessness, we may feel drained and try to shut out the pain of a world so troubled. But we are reminded by Holocaust survivor Elie Weisel, "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference." Love, in contrast to apathy, becomes equivalent to action.

Each generation is defined in history by the collective response to the challenge of modern injustices. Women’s suffrage, the Great Depression, the Civil Rights Movement, and the Vietnam War; these are 20th century issues faced; 20th century issues combatted; 20th century issues improved upon; and yet, their legacies for the 21st century are still in need of final, complete, and just resolution. Our generation, lead by students graduating today, needs to be prepared to confront our issues head-on. Our population is poisoning itself with carbon emissions and plastics in its constant desire for convenience. Every day we are destroying more and more of our most precious resource, the earth, which is inextricably linked to our own health and survival. We also must be prepared to defend the human dignity of people across the globe who do not have the opportunity to experience the joyous freedom of existence when their realities include human trafficking, slavery, starvation, and disease.

As we take our next steps into a world plagued by injustice we take with us a foundation of morality bestowed upon us by our families and our Salesian roots. Our friends and our relationships with one another have endowed us with joy, vivacity and creativity that will lend us strength. And our time here has not only served as a venue for these bonds, nor has it simply armed us with superior intellects and the chance to test the depths of our talents and our passions. This place, above all, has given us a sense of hope.
Fitzgerald once wrote, and it’s true, “the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.” That hopelessness stands in sharp contrast to the parallel yet more powerful hope that we now carry. The odds are long; the challenges are many and complex. But with our tremendous and innumerable gifts, we can change the world. Classmates, it is with profound respect, deep affection, and infinite hope that I extend a call-to-arms for us all: let us go forward, confident that our love, in action, indeed has the power to heal even the deepest wounds and build the world of our wildest dreams.

Thank you.

All Over Now

It was amazing. I was more nervous than I've ever been for anything in my whole life for this speech. Last night I was literally sweating bullets rehearsing in front of my mirror. I woke up an hour before my alarm convulsing from nerves. And then I got there and it jsut seemed right and I didn't even have to think about it as I did when I was practicing, about slowing down or what words to emphasize. I was no longer nervous, just excited to share what I've learned and appreciate my experience. It came out great. I'm so happy. I made my dad cry. It must've been pretty good from the receiving end as well.

I didn't cry. My eyes welled up when I gave Alison a hug but that's more for what we had than what I'm leaving. Anthony was trying to make eye contact and talk and play nice and that too almost made me cry because I wish I could let myself accept but I've been burned too many times and he's still hurting me and I can't let myself believe he wants to be friends when he will continue to do so I will get hurt again. I HATE that things are ending this way, that we can't be friends, but I didn't choose to make them so and there's nothing that I can do to make things right. So I almost cried again but I held back and moved on.

It is fitting to me that indeed the only time that I cried through this entire process, especially considereing how easily I used to cry, was reading the very last two cards in my stack. The first, from Mathews, who gave me a Borders gift certificate which is so funny because I got him and Amazon one among other things. He talked about our burgeoning friendship. That got me all softened up for Marhein's. He have me his well-loved pocket edition of Rumi. And honestly that meant more to me than anything else could. I know that he loved it and that it was a sacrifice for him. It culminated the feeling that had been building all day that I am so loved and that is what brought me to tears.

I got more than money today. I got my great grandmother's antique purse. I recieved the necklace that was given to my aunt at her graduation because she only has sons but she didn't give it to any of my older cousins or Renee. I got a picture from Sarah. I got a blanket that Denise hand made for me. It was overwhemling to see how deeply people care and the lengths to which they will go for me. I'm so glad that they could all be there with me and for me.

Today was a great day.

I tried

I tried to smile. I wanted to. I wanted to say peace be with you. But I couldn't and I regreted it. I tried to say it with a smile

and it felt like my heart was breaking all over again.


I don't understand.

Oh My God

My life is so much more like Gilmore Girls than I could even know.

This is ridiculous.

It's a coming of age...

when you feel it you know.

I've felt it. I'm ready.

Two weeks 'till Bert and Ernie are reunited! Haha that's going to be such a crazy day. Also the day I don't have to see anymore fake people/ people who treat me like shit and it's Roque's birthday dinner. All on no sleep!

Today was hilarious. I still can't believe Mathews actually called him out. I'm sorry, but it's true. Just because everyone was in on it doesn't mean it was okay. Every teacher has told me (besides Mathews, until now) they can't believe he was that jerky and immature. I place my faith that someday he too will come to realize that and drop all his stupid cop outs of "relative morality" and "time will heal".

He said that I didn't want him to be happy. But if he MUST have a girlfriend to be happy then that says a lot more about him than about me. It just made me sad that they both thought it was worth it to treat me so terribly and lose my friendship for a relationship that is most likely doomed by college anyway. It's all so lame.

But I've got people who love me and appreciate me for who I am. I love them :)

I can watch the sunset on my own, yeah I can be alone

I deserve so much more.

I have worked so hard to get where I am. I am who I say I am and who I am is who I want to be. And if that's not okay with you, then I don't need you in my life.

Everyone is getting all sappy over missing their friends after we all leave. But I'm not concerned with that at all. Those who matter, the true friends, will stay in touch. There will be no missing because loving is always in the present. I always struggled with this quote for the longest time. I still don't know if I want to believe it's true. "You either love someone or you never did." But I think it was so hard for me to write off because I think there is a seed of truth there. How could I not believe that after what I've been through in the last few weeks? The friends who stand by you will always be there. I tried so hard to love him, but I don't think he was mature enough. I think that has been sufficiently evident by the way he has treated me when we've broken up. If I was important to him is respects other than as a girlfriend, he would have taken care to preserve our friendship. Prom epitomized it. It was not about me, he just needs a girl. If the things that he said about loving me were true, he couldn't have been that frisky with another girl that fast(again). That's just not how it works. At least for the kind of love I'm looking for. So it was hard, but it makes it all make sense. I hope it's just a phase and that he works out whatever is causing him to act like this because that kind of behavior is gonna bite him in the ass. Hard. But he doesn't want my input so I'll let him live his life and hope it doesn't catch up to him.

I, for one. don't need someone to make me believe in myself. I am so happy with who I've become and where I'm going and I can't wait for the future. I don't have a single fear or reservation. It's fantastic.

"Up, up, up and away and over to a table at the Gratitude Cafe. And I am finally there."

The best part of being valedictorian is the happiness it will bring my family. I am the one grandchild, on either side, that is not a fuck up(well Philip and Andrew may have promise but we just don't know yet). At any rate, both of my grandpas will get to be there and I know that they are so proud of me and that this will make them so happy and I want my speech to be really good so that they have absolute justification for that. It's been a rough couple months on both sides and I think this is exactly what they need :) It's really all I can do so I'm going to do it my best.

Bowl of Oranges

I just really listened to the lyrics for the first time...

I said "There is nothing I can do for you
that you can't do for yourself."
He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help."
So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt.
He said, "I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure.
Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile."
So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone.
And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow.
But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself.
It is best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or simple song of hope.

So true :) I wish I could remember the poem that I was writing in my head. About mirrors and brown eyed girls. I knew I should have written it down...

I found a friend, or should I say a foe

here today, gone tomorrow.
When you're older, you will understand.

The Fray defines us until the end. Irony.

I honestly don't hate him. It would just be idiotic for me to be around someone who chooses to continually hurt me and to be apathetic to my pain because I do still care and it does hurt. Someone who thinks it is quite okay to hurt me because I'll get over it in time. That is just a cop out. People will get over the Holocaust in time. Time makes evil okay. I don't think so. The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy.

I think that's going to be the topic of my valedictorian speech, coincidentally.

Best advice I've ever gotten?

Apparently they're doing a piece on valedictorians (hey now, James? I really hope he chose Reed so I will know SOMEONE in Portland!) and I am supposed to provide "the best piece of advice" that I've been given in high school. That's quite difficult, as I've been given a lot, especially in light of recent events. All those sporting events, crazy awesome volleyball seasons, Curtain Calls, retreats and Core Team events. I can't even begin to fathom all the advice I've received, much less evaluate how much and how well they each have impacted my life. But this is what I've got so far.

"Reflect back to each other nor our projections, not our needs, not what we wish the world and each other to be, but to reflect back "you are beloved."-Cyprian Consiglo

"The only mistake I make is the one from which I learn nothing"-Someone at Kairos

"I have everything I need to be happy right now"-Kairos again

"When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it--always."
-Mahatma Gandhi

"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald

I think I'm leaning toward the last one.

Wow. I just got sucked into all my Kairos stuff. I think I really needed that before this last week of high school. I needed to hear those good things again. I am completely confident in my own abilities but it's good to know that I am those things to other people. That its not just me, I am the person that I think I am and say that I am. I'm so glad I never threw that letter away. "Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth."
-Benjamin Disraeli. I'm glad I have this booklet, this blog, this letter, so that I always remember how I felt because that is what is most real to me. And when I read them, I feel most alive because they are no longer faded memories, I am living them again.

Walcott Weekend

Wow. This weekend is going to SUCK. Hard.

I'm not going to go to the drama play because I just can't see them together. It hurts too much.

First there's Prom, which is going to be even harder than I thought. I just hope I can go and get it over with. I hate how everyone acts as though everything is normal, as though I'm not being hurt. I'm just glad that I think I've managed to avoid at least the most awkward situation as far as pictures go.

Then I can't go to any after parties(which I'm not really that concerned about because I'm tired of having to try to fake it with all these people who don't actually care about me) because I have to go home and get to sleep so we can get up early and for to Elk Grove for my uncle's funeral. It's going to kill my mom. My grandpa will most likely go too soon because he's really sick and he needs surgery but can't afford it. Caring for Charlie gave him a reason to live and now he's gone. He was paralyzed years before I was born so I never really knew him, it always kind of made me uncomfortable. But I think it'll still be hard for me because everyone would always talk about how hilarious and great he was and hearing all those stories will make me realize how much I never got to know or experience.

Then my aunt and uncle are finally getting divorced but they'll both be there so that will be awkward. UGH. Pretty much the only good thing about this weekend is that it will get me two days closer to graduating and getting the hell out of here.

"Don't you wanna get out of Cape Cod, outta Cape Cod tonight?"

Yes. Yes, please.

We'll get Chinese and watch TV....

T-18 hours until we "close one chapter, and start a new, better one". This is the first time in a long time that things have started to feel okay again. I need out of high school right now. It's holding me back.

Ockham's Razor

ockham's razor to
the heart will quickly bleed the
meaning out of life.

My Child

A poem I wrote last year in Religion class, staring out the window at the green, green hills, day dreaming. Influenced by Awareness by Anthony DeMello.

grey soft sweater, stiff collar striped

with prim cornflower lines.

classic beauty, crisp clean shape of sucess

clearly, visible it is beautiful in its way.

classic happiness?

my child runs across a preschool lawn

I want him to be different

to be free

"we are raised on drugs from childhood;

this is the formula for happiness."

dope fiends for triple lattes and fancy cars

the quick fix

stargirl, stargirl

no, don't cling, don't cry

your feet tread the crisp grass beneath

your unblemished toes

braver than the new world you will inherit.

i can make you different.

But I must first kill myself

my blinded ego

my compromised dreams.

what then will make me happy?

to run with my child

unhindered and free

draw on the walls, play in the mud

baby, meet the greatness of the world.

exSTATIC freedom

i love you, but don't cling.

love knows no need.

we must grow without bounds

love, a choice

no dependent desire.

to be free is what I want for you, my child.

trample the grass and laugh;

teeter away from me.

you will fall, but you will rise

stargirl, stargirl.

soar on fledgling wings.

PostSecret

A History Lesson for Holden( I hope you have the balls to read this)

In Richard Wilbur's "A Barred Owl" and Billy Collins "The History Teacher" both serve to show that the root of twisting the truth is fear. In "Owl" parents lie to soothe their troubled child fretting over a bump in the night. In "History Teacher" the teacher smooths over unpleasant pasts he doesn't want to face for a story that's easier to swallow, to disastrous, violent results when the kids can't learn from their pasts and are doomed to repeat atrocities.

You see Holden Caulfield in yourself? Well I do too.

"The most noticeable of Holden's “peculiarities” is how extremely judgmental he is of almost everything and everybody. He criticizes and philosophizes about people who are boring, people who are insecure, and, above all, people who are “phony.” While Holden uses the label “phony” to imply that such people are superficial, his use of the term actually indicates that his own perceptions of other people are superficial. In almost every case, he rejects more complex judgments in favor of simple categorical ones."- SparkNotes

You want to psychoanalyze people based on the movies they like for a minute? Yeah, I love A Walk to Remember because I believe that people can change. No one is perfect and therefore I think change is necessary for good. As for you, Dr. Horrible's is a perfect example of the same characterization typical of Holden. You can't have duplicity, things must be one way or another. That's why you had to annihilate me. There was both good and bad because love is hard and you hated that. You opted, twice, for a simpler, easier, less deep and complex relationship. You don't know what to do with all the momentos? I kept some of them because I can understand that there was still good and I gave the rest back just like you took back your promises. But you don't want it to be both ways because that's too hard to deal with.

"A brief note about Holden's name: a “caul” is a membrane that covers the head of a fetus during birth. Thus, the caul in his name may symbolize the blindness of childhood or the inability of the child to see the complexity of the adult world. Holden's full name might be read as Hold-on Caul-field: he wants to hold on to what he sees as his innocence, which is really his blindness."-SparkNotes

Your blindness is your inability to see your past as it is. You blog how you feel then later you delete your posts and deny those thoughts, those feelings you had. You have never been able to admit that you cheated because it is something that you despise and you wish you hadn't. So you deny it every happened.

In the words of Sr. Helen Prejean and of Batman "deep down you may still be that same great kid you used to be. But it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you." "I look at what I do to find out who I really am."

Take a look.

You lied. You cheated. You broke every promise (Forever and always, she means nothing, we'll always be best friends, I'll give you your suprise, It's not like we can't talk, You're always welcome to a hug) You ran. You constantly delete things that would remind you that things were ever otherwise(like the four blogs you wrote all about me. Even when they admitted she wasn't enough to make you happy. Because you want to be over it so you can't show you're still dealing with it). And worst of all you couldn't and can't admit these things because you don't want to be that person.

I was ready for forgiveness at any moment. I tried to give it many times. But I could not forgive you for something that you could not forgive yourself for, something you were so afraid of that you denied to my face ever happened. I was there. I know what happened.

"Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true."
-Demosthenes. Even now, when I told you not to pretend that you care because you didn't care when I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't breathe, that I was so hurt, you try to convince yourself that you're the good guy(funny because that's what always you told me "don't make the the bad guy!" Sometimes, ya are. It's life. But at least I can admit that I fuck up like everyone else.) Like today when I was choking, that long, concerned face, ready to jump in to action to show you're a good guy who still cares. Anyone could do that. But when it was you that was was causing my pain? Forget it. You couldn't be bothered. That's caring.

I think you blame me and I think that's why you push me away so hard. You think I pushed you to do it. That it's all my fault. And I hold you accountable for it and you hate that. With me you can't run away. Do you think it's a coincidence that your favorite hobby is running?

Your apology yesterday was just as all the others were. Dripping with sarcasm and self-martyrdom, blandly repeating back that you're sorry for whatever I identified as the problem. If you were truly sorry, you would feel remorse and because of this, you wouldn't let it happen again. You have never shown even the smallest sincere sign of trying to change your behavior to be less hurtful.

You will probably block me now, because you don't want to face it, as always. Delete everything that doesn't fit with the picture you paint in your head. You say I have no stake in this. I have been called a liar and a terrible friend because you lied about the truth I told.

"Your tragic flaw is compassion"(Do you remember that part of the conversation? Because apparently the rest of the night was delirium.) It's only a flaw when people take advantage of it. And I've wised up with you. Every time I forgive you, you aren't really sorry because it means admitting you were wrong, so you never fix anything and I get hurt again and again. So sorry means nothing. If you ever show me that you are willing to stop hurting me, you will have my forgiveness but never again my heart.

Liberation Theology

I was writing the prayer for announcements for tomorrow and I was stumbling through daily prayers and came upon this.

Whatever ultimate meaning life may have,
this much can be said already--
life is a call to share in the world's making.
It is a chance to intervene, to contribute,
to enhance what exists
by the sheer power
of one's own presence and activity.
One cannot be good simply by avoiding evil.
To be indifferent or apathetic
to the needs of one's neighbor,
to stand aloof from a world begging for help,
is already to be guilty.

--Robert O. Johann

SOOOOO good. Works for my prayer and my liberation theology quote. So true.

"Everyone said, you need to give him some time. And I'm glad that I gave it to him 'cause now everything's fine. Yeah, he's a hero in disguise."

Musica

Music I really, really want but I'm broke so I'm recording this for posterity...

Give Up- The Postal Service

Left Right Wrong- Julia Nunes

I Wrote These-Julia Nunes (She is that great.)

The Fray-The Fray ( I'm going to see them in August and Jack's Mannequin is opening for them! So stoked!!)

Sleep Through the Static- Jack Johnson

Vampire Weekend-Vampire Weekend (I actually already have this and love it but it won't upload to the computer :/ )

Just the song The Climb by Miley Cyrus. Shut up.

Alright, Still-Lily Allen

So Much More-Brett Dennen

Begin to Hope-Regina Spektor

Flight of the Conchords-Flight of the Conchords


I'm going to the University of Portland in the fall and I'm going to be in the Honors Program and I am BEYOND stoked.

It is written

that explains one of the few things i'm very excited about this month just about perfectly :]

GRADUATION! I can't wait to get the eff out of here. I know who my true friends are and most of them are not in high school. So let's move on, shall we. The maturity level here is driving me nuts. Still haven't decided on a school. May put down a double deposit for more time to figure it out, especially the financial stuff. No clearer two days from the deadline than I was two months ago...

Oh and this is adorable. I LOVELOVELOVED this movie. With my whole heart. They're together in real life now :]]

You betta act fast, because supplies, they never last...

"What if I fail?” or worse, “What if I’m becoming a sell-out?” Of course these faux tragedies, these ways of being viewed, existed only in my head."


"One impossible day I was avoiding the easy task of letting go while arguing with the demons in my head in an effort to feel love, worth, to have my intuitions confirmed that what I was working on was of value. I had always been a troubadour who relied on signs and coincidences to satisfy the mystic in my mind, and on this particular day after an unsatisfying week, what I needed most was a sign.

I should have seen the signs all around me in the form of my breath taking care of my life, in the form of my apartment keeping me sheltered, in the form of MUSIC in general, and in the form of many friends I had access to by telephone. One such friend, a beautiful ray of light, offered up her usual brand of tough love, invited me to surrender to it all, to stop asking for so much."

-Jason Mraz

Pretty much my life right now. I'm doing much better on my Lenten promises. Well, I can't say promises because my posture sucks but my insecurity is getting much better. Last night I was on my way to an Eric Hutchinson concert for my birthday, what should have been nothing but joyful, and I received quite a sour bit of news that played directly on my biggest insecurity. Immediately, I felt that shock to the stomach, my abdomen tying in knots and that slightly nauseous feeling. This was not my imagination running away with me. I had been concretely lied too. Ironically, I knew so at the time. I highly suspected that person was lying just from the way it was said but I couldn't push it and didn't have any reason to say otherwise except my insecurites. I didn't know it was to this extent; I believe that it was probably even worse than I do know but I've at least wised up a bit and figured out that I don't want to know. I don't want to put myself through that. After making myself sick, I decided that I didn't want this anymore. I didn't want to be this unhappy girl who could be so utterly broken. Previously, I would have made myself sick for weeks, acted out against this person, been terribly miserable. But I enjoyed the concert. I still have questions; I believe I have a right to because I was majorly mislead and it does still hurt. I'm just not letting it control me.

Mostly because I've realized that things aren't black and white. I am not being hurt because this person is evil and wishes to cause me pain. I know for a fact that this person cares about me very much and routinely tries to prevent me from harms. Relationships are complex. You can't rule out everything good because some bad things happen. Life isn't like that. Live and learn, forgive and forget.

Lent

Now I'm not Catholic but recently I've seen parts of my life with potential for big self improvement. The beginning of Lent just happened to coincide with the realization that I am hurting myself and the people I love. I put up a good front, but most especially because of certain events that happened last year, I have become increasingly insecure. Being insecure has made me a person I don't want to be, who is unhappy and who does things that she knows she shouldn't to satisfy that craving to know that everything is okay, that she's good enough.

" 'Am I? Am I smart enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I young enough? Talented enough?' Why? Why do we not have a sense f out own dignity? Worse than that, why can't we give it to each other?What are we so afraid to tell each other how beautiful we are? Do we not have it in ourselves? Does it hurt me so much tot tell you? Can I not see it in you, because I can't see it in myself?"- Cyprian Consiglo

I often have been accused of being too competitive. And you know what? You're right. I'm constantly, even internally comparing myself with others. Recently, I noticed myself doing this and it seemed so ridiculous. Why am I doing this? Who even cares here? Why can't I stop trying to be the smartest person in the room and just be me? I just realized that I think this is why my best friend is my best friend. He's the only person that I'm not afraid to ask questions. Even if he laughs at me and calls me a dope, it's always genial and he never fails to give me a thorough answer.

So this year, for Lent, I have given up being insecure. It was a lot easier at the beginning when I was still callous and focused from recent events, and I've had some relapses but I've tried to be honest about them with others and with myself. I've learned that I'm not one that can forgive but not forget. I'm learning to let go of it all. It's time. I need to learn to love myself so that I can love others for who they are, not what they can give me to make myself whole.

"Reflect back to each other nor our projections, not our needs, not what we wish the world and each other to be, but to reflect back "you are beloved." And that would be power for us to build a world of justice and peace, one heart at a time."- C.C.

p.s. I think I'm going to send in a secret or two to PostSecret tonight as a part of this process.

Jason Mraz

is a fucking genius. And a kindred spirit. Just a quick excerpt from his latest blog...

"Recently I was turned onto the work of the 13 indigenous Grandmothers; An action team of women from the four corners of the globe who have formed an alliance to bring balance to Mother Earth and all her inhabitants for the next seven generations to come. To do work intended for seven generations is a remarkably selfless act indeed. Imagine making something that you know is meant for someone 200 years from now. It’s like planting a tree. In your lifetime you may not be able to swing from it’s branches, but long after you’re gone, many families will.

The same thought can be applied to consciousness. Are you choosing to think it’s too late to save the planet because you’re not seeing immediate results? Are you personally choosing not to change your diet and bad habits because you think it will make this week suck? Well, think of that distant you in the future who will look back and hug you for the powerful shift in consciousness you decided to make right now.

For the planet and its inhabitants who are still evolving, we may not SEE a world of enlightened beings who coexist with nature, but we can certainly SEED it."

So true. This really give me the strength to persevere. Even though people refuse to recycle, look into new energy sources or are apathetic towards starvation and war, doesn't mean they always will. We just have to keep pushing, trying to open eyes, minds and hearts.

Here's the blog for more kick-ass wisdom. Ahhhhhhhhh I love him.

Bumbling Mumblings

I don't know what the title is about. I'm really out of it. Mathews would put a big red slash through that and write "NO!!" because it rhymes. Oh Weekly Writing Assignments, I'm so looking forward to those when I get back...Actually I don't mind them when I don't get bad grades and when the feedback is helpful(which it usually always it just sometimes you pay for it with a really shitty grade.)

I spent the first half of break doing college apps. Roque had to take my Facebook away so that I could get Stanford done. Now I'm all done except I might apply to Puget Sound on the fifteenth but all that will require is a little essay. Now I'm on to scholarship apps and essays, so it's not really that much of a relief to be done. I'm surprised i got as much of my to-do list done over break, I was sure I wasn't when New Years rolled around and all I'd accomplished was my college apps. I still have a bunch of Project Backpack stuff to do and all my English homework but I think I can get it done.

I can't believe I'm a second semester senior. It's so surreal. I wouldn't say that the first semester went by slow, it just went by naturally. It was a ton of fun because my class is so close now, and exciting because of college and graduation that was blissfully impending but far enough away to not be a pressing issue, just something to look forward to. Now it seems as if there's no time left even though it's really six months. It feels strange. Before this, life has been so planned, so certain. You progress from grade to grade for twelve years and then you graduate... and all structure is gone. You don't have to go to college. It weirds me out that people don't. What do you do besides go to college? And then after college... it's so empty. It's like a timeline that's loped off. It kinda freaks me out. Suddenly the world isn't so secure anymore.

But I really do need to get out of here. I'm so excited but I still have no idea where I want to go.

I stumbledupon this. StumbleUpon is great. This is very much like what happened to me and my view on life without the panic attacks and depression. Same telos, different scopos.




I've always found a correlation in my life between lawlessness and faith. The people that I know that are most free and often engage in things discouraged by religion are often those who most adamantly profess their faith. This hypocritical nature is one of the things that turned me off to religion and really highlighted the use of religion as a crutch. Those people engage in that type of behavior because they magnify their limited, sound-byte ideas of faith and manipulate it to their will. They say they will be forgiven. Really its just a cop out for self control because they show no regret nor any inclination to halt the damaging behavior.