PostSecret

A History Lesson for Holden( I hope you have the balls to read this)

In Richard Wilbur's "A Barred Owl" and Billy Collins "The History Teacher" both serve to show that the root of twisting the truth is fear. In "Owl" parents lie to soothe their troubled child fretting over a bump in the night. In "History Teacher" the teacher smooths over unpleasant pasts he doesn't want to face for a story that's easier to swallow, to disastrous, violent results when the kids can't learn from their pasts and are doomed to repeat atrocities.

You see Holden Caulfield in yourself? Well I do too.

"The most noticeable of Holden's “peculiarities” is how extremely judgmental he is of almost everything and everybody. He criticizes and philosophizes about people who are boring, people who are insecure, and, above all, people who are “phony.” While Holden uses the label “phony” to imply that such people are superficial, his use of the term actually indicates that his own perceptions of other people are superficial. In almost every case, he rejects more complex judgments in favor of simple categorical ones."- SparkNotes

You want to psychoanalyze people based on the movies they like for a minute? Yeah, I love A Walk to Remember because I believe that people can change. No one is perfect and therefore I think change is necessary for good. As for you, Dr. Horrible's is a perfect example of the same characterization typical of Holden. You can't have duplicity, things must be one way or another. That's why you had to annihilate me. There was both good and bad because love is hard and you hated that. You opted, twice, for a simpler, easier, less deep and complex relationship. You don't know what to do with all the momentos? I kept some of them because I can understand that there was still good and I gave the rest back just like you took back your promises. But you don't want it to be both ways because that's too hard to deal with.

"A brief note about Holden's name: a “caul” is a membrane that covers the head of a fetus during birth. Thus, the caul in his name may symbolize the blindness of childhood or the inability of the child to see the complexity of the adult world. Holden's full name might be read as Hold-on Caul-field: he wants to hold on to what he sees as his innocence, which is really his blindness."-SparkNotes

Your blindness is your inability to see your past as it is. You blog how you feel then later you delete your posts and deny those thoughts, those feelings you had. You have never been able to admit that you cheated because it is something that you despise and you wish you hadn't. So you deny it every happened.

In the words of Sr. Helen Prejean and of Batman "deep down you may still be that same great kid you used to be. But it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you." "I look at what I do to find out who I really am."

Take a look.

You lied. You cheated. You broke every promise (Forever and always, she means nothing, we'll always be best friends, I'll give you your suprise, It's not like we can't talk, You're always welcome to a hug) You ran. You constantly delete things that would remind you that things were ever otherwise(like the four blogs you wrote all about me. Even when they admitted she wasn't enough to make you happy. Because you want to be over it so you can't show you're still dealing with it). And worst of all you couldn't and can't admit these things because you don't want to be that person.

I was ready for forgiveness at any moment. I tried to give it many times. But I could not forgive you for something that you could not forgive yourself for, something you were so afraid of that you denied to my face ever happened. I was there. I know what happened.

"Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true."
-Demosthenes. Even now, when I told you not to pretend that you care because you didn't care when I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't breathe, that I was so hurt, you try to convince yourself that you're the good guy(funny because that's what always you told me "don't make the the bad guy!" Sometimes, ya are. It's life. But at least I can admit that I fuck up like everyone else.) Like today when I was choking, that long, concerned face, ready to jump in to action to show you're a good guy who still cares. Anyone could do that. But when it was you that was was causing my pain? Forget it. You couldn't be bothered. That's caring.

I think you blame me and I think that's why you push me away so hard. You think I pushed you to do it. That it's all my fault. And I hold you accountable for it and you hate that. With me you can't run away. Do you think it's a coincidence that your favorite hobby is running?

Your apology yesterday was just as all the others were. Dripping with sarcasm and self-martyrdom, blandly repeating back that you're sorry for whatever I identified as the problem. If you were truly sorry, you would feel remorse and because of this, you wouldn't let it happen again. You have never shown even the smallest sincere sign of trying to change your behavior to be less hurtful.

You will probably block me now, because you don't want to face it, as always. Delete everything that doesn't fit with the picture you paint in your head. You say I have no stake in this. I have been called a liar and a terrible friend because you lied about the truth I told.

"Your tragic flaw is compassion"(Do you remember that part of the conversation? Because apparently the rest of the night was delirium.) It's only a flaw when people take advantage of it. And I've wised up with you. Every time I forgive you, you aren't really sorry because it means admitting you were wrong, so you never fix anything and I get hurt again and again. So sorry means nothing. If you ever show me that you are willing to stop hurting me, you will have my forgiveness but never again my heart.

Liberation Theology

I was writing the prayer for announcements for tomorrow and I was stumbling through daily prayers and came upon this.

Whatever ultimate meaning life may have,
this much can be said already--
life is a call to share in the world's making.
It is a chance to intervene, to contribute,
to enhance what exists
by the sheer power
of one's own presence and activity.
One cannot be good simply by avoiding evil.
To be indifferent or apathetic
to the needs of one's neighbor,
to stand aloof from a world begging for help,
is already to be guilty.

--Robert O. Johann

SOOOOO good. Works for my prayer and my liberation theology quote. So true.

"Everyone said, you need to give him some time. And I'm glad that I gave it to him 'cause now everything's fine. Yeah, he's a hero in disguise."

Musica

Music I really, really want but I'm broke so I'm recording this for posterity...

Give Up- The Postal Service

Left Right Wrong- Julia Nunes

I Wrote These-Julia Nunes (She is that great.)

The Fray-The Fray ( I'm going to see them in August and Jack's Mannequin is opening for them! So stoked!!)

Sleep Through the Static- Jack Johnson

Vampire Weekend-Vampire Weekend (I actually already have this and love it but it won't upload to the computer :/ )

Just the song The Climb by Miley Cyrus. Shut up.

Alright, Still-Lily Allen

So Much More-Brett Dennen

Begin to Hope-Regina Spektor

Flight of the Conchords-Flight of the Conchords


I'm going to the University of Portland in the fall and I'm going to be in the Honors Program and I am BEYOND stoked.

It is written

that explains one of the few things i'm very excited about this month just about perfectly :]

GRADUATION! I can't wait to get the eff out of here. I know who my true friends are and most of them are not in high school. So let's move on, shall we. The maturity level here is driving me nuts. Still haven't decided on a school. May put down a double deposit for more time to figure it out, especially the financial stuff. No clearer two days from the deadline than I was two months ago...

Oh and this is adorable. I LOVELOVELOVED this movie. With my whole heart. They're together in real life now :]]

You betta act fast, because supplies, they never last...

"What if I fail?” or worse, “What if I’m becoming a sell-out?” Of course these faux tragedies, these ways of being viewed, existed only in my head."


"One impossible day I was avoiding the easy task of letting go while arguing with the demons in my head in an effort to feel love, worth, to have my intuitions confirmed that what I was working on was of value. I had always been a troubadour who relied on signs and coincidences to satisfy the mystic in my mind, and on this particular day after an unsatisfying week, what I needed most was a sign.

I should have seen the signs all around me in the form of my breath taking care of my life, in the form of my apartment keeping me sheltered, in the form of MUSIC in general, and in the form of many friends I had access to by telephone. One such friend, a beautiful ray of light, offered up her usual brand of tough love, invited me to surrender to it all, to stop asking for so much."

-Jason Mraz

Pretty much my life right now. I'm doing much better on my Lenten promises. Well, I can't say promises because my posture sucks but my insecurity is getting much better. Last night I was on my way to an Eric Hutchinson concert for my birthday, what should have been nothing but joyful, and I received quite a sour bit of news that played directly on my biggest insecurity. Immediately, I felt that shock to the stomach, my abdomen tying in knots and that slightly nauseous feeling. This was not my imagination running away with me. I had been concretely lied too. Ironically, I knew so at the time. I highly suspected that person was lying just from the way it was said but I couldn't push it and didn't have any reason to say otherwise except my insecurites. I didn't know it was to this extent; I believe that it was probably even worse than I do know but I've at least wised up a bit and figured out that I don't want to know. I don't want to put myself through that. After making myself sick, I decided that I didn't want this anymore. I didn't want to be this unhappy girl who could be so utterly broken. Previously, I would have made myself sick for weeks, acted out against this person, been terribly miserable. But I enjoyed the concert. I still have questions; I believe I have a right to because I was majorly mislead and it does still hurt. I'm just not letting it control me.

Mostly because I've realized that things aren't black and white. I am not being hurt because this person is evil and wishes to cause me pain. I know for a fact that this person cares about me very much and routinely tries to prevent me from harms. Relationships are complex. You can't rule out everything good because some bad things happen. Life isn't like that. Live and learn, forgive and forget.

Lent

Now I'm not Catholic but recently I've seen parts of my life with potential for big self improvement. The beginning of Lent just happened to coincide with the realization that I am hurting myself and the people I love. I put up a good front, but most especially because of certain events that happened last year, I have become increasingly insecure. Being insecure has made me a person I don't want to be, who is unhappy and who does things that she knows she shouldn't to satisfy that craving to know that everything is okay, that she's good enough.

" 'Am I? Am I smart enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I young enough? Talented enough?' Why? Why do we not have a sense f out own dignity? Worse than that, why can't we give it to each other?What are we so afraid to tell each other how beautiful we are? Do we not have it in ourselves? Does it hurt me so much tot tell you? Can I not see it in you, because I can't see it in myself?"- Cyprian Consiglo

I often have been accused of being too competitive. And you know what? You're right. I'm constantly, even internally comparing myself with others. Recently, I noticed myself doing this and it seemed so ridiculous. Why am I doing this? Who even cares here? Why can't I stop trying to be the smartest person in the room and just be me? I just realized that I think this is why my best friend is my best friend. He's the only person that I'm not afraid to ask questions. Even if he laughs at me and calls me a dope, it's always genial and he never fails to give me a thorough answer.

So this year, for Lent, I have given up being insecure. It was a lot easier at the beginning when I was still callous and focused from recent events, and I've had some relapses but I've tried to be honest about them with others and with myself. I've learned that I'm not one that can forgive but not forget. I'm learning to let go of it all. It's time. I need to learn to love myself so that I can love others for who they are, not what they can give me to make myself whole.

"Reflect back to each other nor our projections, not our needs, not what we wish the world and each other to be, but to reflect back "you are beloved." And that would be power for us to build a world of justice and peace, one heart at a time."- C.C.

p.s. I think I'm going to send in a secret or two to PostSecret tonight as a part of this process.