In Richard Wilbur's "A Barred Owl" and Billy Collins "The History Teacher" both serve to show that the root of twisting the truth is fear. In "Owl" parents lie to soothe their troubled child fretting over a bump in the night. In "History Teacher" the teacher smooths over unpleasant pasts he doesn't want to face for a story that's easier to swallow, to disastrous, violent results when the kids can't learn from their pasts and are doomed to repeat atrocities.
You see Holden Caulfield in yourself? Well I do too.
"The most noticeable of Holden's “peculiarities” is how extremely judgmental he is of almost everything and everybody. He criticizes and philosophizes about people who are boring, people who are insecure, and, above all, people who are “phony.” While Holden uses the label “phony” to imply that such people are superficial, his use of the term actually indicates that his own perceptions of other people are superficial. In almost every case, he rejects more complex judgments in favor of simple categorical ones."- SparkNotes
You want to psychoanalyze people based on the movies they like for a minute? Yeah, I love A Walk to Remember because I believe that people can change. No one is perfect and therefore I think change is necessary for good. As for you, Dr. Horrible's is a perfect example of the same characterization typical of Holden. You can't have duplicity, things must be one way or another. That's why you had to annihilate me. There was both good and bad because love is hard and you hated that. You opted, twice, for a simpler, easier, less deep and complex relationship. You don't know what to do with all the momentos? I kept some of them because I can understand that there was still good and I gave the rest back just like you took back your promises. But you don't want it to be both ways because that's too hard to deal with.
"A brief note about Holden's name: a “caul” is a membrane that covers the head of a fetus during birth. Thus, the caul in his name may symbolize the blindness of childhood or the inability of the child to see the complexity of the adult world. Holden's full name might be read as Hold-on Caul-field: he wants to hold on to what he sees as his innocence, which is really his blindness."-SparkNotes
Your blindness is your inability to see your past as it is. You blog how you feel then later you delete your posts and deny those thoughts, those feelings you had. You have never been able to admit that you cheated because it is something that you despise and you wish you hadn't. So you deny it every happened.
In the words of Sr. Helen Prejean and of Batman "deep down you may still be that same great kid you used to be. But it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you." "I look at what I do to find out who I really am."
Take a look.
You lied. You cheated. You broke every promise (Forever and always, she means nothing, we'll always be best friends, I'll give you your suprise, It's not like we can't talk, You're always welcome to a hug) You ran. You constantly delete things that would remind you that things were ever otherwise(like the four blogs you wrote all about me. Even when they admitted she wasn't enough to make you happy. Because you want to be over it so you can't show you're still dealing with it). And worst of all you couldn't and can't admit these things because you don't want to be that person.
I was ready for forgiveness at any moment. I tried to give it many times. But I could not forgive you for something that you could not forgive yourself for, something you were so afraid of that you denied to my face ever happened. I was there. I know what happened.
"Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true."
-Demosthenes. Even now, when I told you not to pretend that you care because you didn't care when I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't breathe, that I was so hurt, you try to convince yourself that you're the good guy(funny because that's what always you told me "don't make the the bad guy!" Sometimes, ya are. It's life. But at least I can admit that I fuck up like everyone else.) Like today when I was choking, that long, concerned face, ready to jump in to action to show you're a good guy who still cares. Anyone could do that. But when it was you that was was causing my pain? Forget it. You couldn't be bothered. That's caring.
I think you blame me and I think that's why you push me away so hard. You think I pushed you to do it. That it's all my fault. And I hold you accountable for it and you hate that. With me you can't run away. Do you think it's a coincidence that your favorite hobby is running?
Your apology yesterday was just as all the others were. Dripping with sarcasm and self-martyrdom, blandly repeating back that you're sorry for whatever I identified as the problem. If you were truly sorry, you would feel remorse and because of this, you wouldn't let it happen again. You have never shown even the smallest sincere sign of trying to change your behavior to be less hurtful.
You will probably block me now, because you don't want to face it, as always. Delete everything that doesn't fit with the picture you paint in your head. You say I have no stake in this. I have been called a liar and a terrible friend because you lied about the truth I told.
"Your tragic flaw is compassion"(Do you remember that part of the conversation? Because apparently the rest of the night was delirium.) It's only a flaw when people take advantage of it. And I've wised up with you. Every time I forgive you, you aren't really sorry because it means admitting you were wrong, so you never fix anything and I get hurt again and again. So sorry means nothing. If you ever show me that you are willing to stop hurting me, you will have my forgiveness but never again my heart.
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