"What if I fail?” or worse, “What if I’m becoming a sell-out?” Of course these faux tragedies, these ways of being viewed, existed only in my head."
"One impossible day I was avoiding the easy task of letting go while arguing with the demons in my head in an effort to feel love, worth, to have my intuitions confirmed that what I was working on was of value. I had always been a troubadour who relied on signs and coincidences to satisfy the mystic in my mind, and on this particular day after an unsatisfying week, what I needed most was a sign.
I should have seen the signs all around me in the form of my breath taking care of my life, in the form of my apartment keeping me sheltered, in the form of MUSIC in general, and in the form of many friends I had access to by telephone. One such friend, a beautiful ray of light, offered up her usual brand of tough love, invited me to surrender to it all, to stop asking for so much."
-Jason Mraz
Pretty much my life right now. I'm doing much better on my Lenten promises. Well, I can't say promises because my posture sucks but my insecurity is getting much better. Last night I was on my way to an Eric Hutchinson concert for my birthday, what should have been nothing but joyful, and I received quite a sour bit of news that played directly on my biggest insecurity. Immediately, I felt that shock to the stomach, my abdomen tying in knots and that slightly nauseous feeling. This was not my imagination running away with me. I had been concretely lied too. Ironically, I knew so at the time. I highly suspected that person was lying just from the way it was said but I couldn't push it and didn't have any reason to say otherwise except my insecurites. I didn't know it was to this extent; I believe that it was probably even worse than I do know but I've at least wised up a bit and figured out that I don't want to know. I don't want to put myself through that. After making myself sick, I decided that I didn't want this anymore. I didn't want to be this unhappy girl who could be so utterly broken. Previously, I would have made myself sick for weeks, acted out against this person, been terribly miserable. But I enjoyed the concert. I still have questions; I believe I have a right to because I was majorly mislead and it does still hurt. I'm just not letting it control me.
Mostly because I've realized that things aren't black and white. I am not being hurt because this person is evil and wishes to cause me pain. I know for a fact that this person cares about me very much and routinely tries to prevent me from harms. Relationships are complex. You can't rule out everything good because some bad things happen. Life isn't like that. Live and learn, forgive and forget.
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