maybe in Paraguay they can find you

untitled

unwind my hand, rewind my days
oh clear the cobwebs, clear the daze

a cold white room all cushioned white
my mind feels trapped; i strain, i fight

not cracks at all i strike the pane
futile attempts-again!again!

the four blank walls give me no heed
no way is out-to you i need

from there to here how i am lost
you're gone, you're gone- come numbing frost.

Hallelujah

Thinking outrageously I write in cursive
I hide in my bed with the lights on the floor
Wearing three layers of coats and leg warmers
I see my own breath on the face of the door

Oh I am not quite sleeping
Oh I am fast in bed
There on the wall in the bedroom creeping
I see a wasp with her wings outstretched

North of Savanna we swim in the palisades
I come out wearing my brother's red hat
There on his shoulder my best friend is bit seven times
He runs washing his face in his hands

Oh how I meant to tease him
Oh how I meant no harm
Touching his back with my hand I kiss him
I see the wasp on the length of my arm

Oh great sights upon this state! Hallelu-
Wonders bright, and rivers, lake. Hallelu-
Trail of Tears and Horseshoe Lake. Hallelu-
trusting things beyond mistake. Hallelu-

We were in love. We were in love.
Palisades! Palisades! Palisades
I can wait. I can wait.

Lamb of God, we sound the horn.
Hallelujah!
To us your ghost is born.
Hallelu-

I can't explain the state that I'm in
The state of my heart, he was my best friend
Into the car, from the back seat
Oh admiration in falling asleep
All of my powers, day after day
I can tell you, we swaggered and swayed
Deep in the tower, the prairies below
I can tell you, but the telling gets old
Terrible sting and terrible storm
I can tell you the day we were born
My friend is gone, he ran away
I can tell you, I love him each day
Though we have sparred, wrestled and raged
I can tell you I love him each day
Terrible sting, terrible storm
I can tell you...

an oreo cake, an apron

a roomfull of laughter
the lightest of hearts
a brush on the shoulder
you’re home ‘round these parts

and now i feel empty and
rootless apart
i don’t know where’s home
there’s nowhere to start

don’t know how to find you
now that you’ve gone
can’t get you back again
so safe in your arms

you’d hold me tight
when i’d shiver and shake
and now i am seizing
you’re lying in wake

i don’t know where you’ve gone
thought you were right here
thought i’d have you forever
when i was too weak to steer

the laughs from your belly
the joy from your soul
i can’t know it again
i will never be whole.

yours is the first face that i saw, think i was blind before i met you

My dearest Gabriel,

When I met you eight years ago, feeding the homeless at the Salvation Army, I was impressed by your knack for conversing with ease with almost anyone you met, including me. I know that you need only to take a quick glance around this room to truly understand the gamut of people that you touched (not literally of course). At any rate, you started the conversation, and as is bound to happen when two heads as hard as ours meet, that conversation never really ended because neither of us could ever concede a point. But I couldn’t be more glad that we never did because our silly debates gave me an excuse to get to know you better.

You had the most unique quality of being simultaneously a 6 year old and a 60 year old. You’re the only high schooler I’ve ever met went to bed promptly at 8 o’clock every night and who, if you couldn’t be flying, wanted nothing more than to sit around in a robe and slippers, smoking your pipe and reading literature. And yet, you had a childlike simplicity about you. You’re the only one I could count on to just sit down with some crayons and color like there was no tomorrow, or to play silly games like Bread and Butter when we walked down the street. You were so full of contradictions and quirks that being with you was at once comforting and familiar, and also wonderfully surprising.

Like your wardrobe, you were dependable; We could always count on you to be wearing a button-down collared shirt and slacks with black socks. We could always rely on you to answer the phone with a cheery “Yayhoyhoy!” and to finish the food from everyone’s plate before the end of every meal. Most of all, you could be depended on to be there for someone in need.

I believe that you experienced the world differently than most. You seemed untainted by conventions of all kinds, in a way that not only made you the very unique individual that we knew, but that also allowed you to see and reach out to others that most people wouldn’t notice. I remember when Kasey convinced you to go to Winter Formal senior year. In typical Gabriel fashion, you agreed to go to the dance so as to not hurt her feelings but you never said you’d agree to dance! Instead, you spent the entirety of the night striking up a conversation with the security guard in the corner, no doubt asking him about his gun. While I simply found this hilarious at the time, I can’t help now but think how much you improved that guy’s night. Wherever we went, you made friends with whoever we encountered, however unlikely. I valued your openness, your willingness to try new things, at least once anyway. In your twenty-one years, you did more than many people do in five times as long.

Since you’ve left me, I’ve experienced a dizzying array of emotions. Though most of the time this all feels so unreal, I must admit, that I have been a little angry with you. You’ve told me a million times that you always wanted to go out flying and it’s just like stubborn old you to get it your way. But I realize that I am just being selfish, something that when it really came down to it, you never were. You never were afraid of death and when I start to get angry or mad or upset over the fact that you were taken from me, it gives me the greatest peace to know that in your last moments, you were not afraid. To the last you were courageous and I am looking to you know to find the courage to make it through without you.

In the hours after your dad told me the news, Gabe 2 and I sat on the floor of my living room and while we did shed our tears, undoubtedly the dominant feature of our gathering was laughter. There were so many little things about you that cannot be replaced or imitated by anyone else, but I cannot help but to smile or laugh when I think of them. The same occurred when we went to visit your family. I don’t think I could ever have imagined such joy and laughter in a household so recently touched by tragedy. But that was your nature, you faced the hard truths of life without fear and you brought so much laughter and joy to us all that it is impossible for you to ever truly leave us.

This week I was supposed to coach a volleyball camp with some good friends. I didn’t know what to do. I really just wanted to be with people who were close to you. I felt bad about going on as if nothing had happened. But to my great surprise, it was there, when I was doing what I loved most, that I felt most strongly your distinct presence. In doing what you did best, pursuing your dreams and doing what you loved, I still have you in the most profound way I could imagine.

Gabe, though you are gone from this world, I feel your indelible presence in my hearts. As you once told me “I’ll miss you like MC Hammer misses the high life”. I know that this is not goodbye forever, it’s just goodbye for now. You were always the kind of friend that no matter how long we were apart, we’d fit back together again like there was hardly a day in between. So until then,

Lima Oscar Victor Echo forever and always yours,

Megan

merry happy

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy

And I'm gone. No crocodile tears. I play for keeps.

some days

i just feel as though my chest is going to burst with love and gratitude for all the good things i have going in my life...

for best friends who learn your favorite songs on the guitar

for small children and their naive questions and their laughter

for....

on a sunday i think it through

you've got you to blame
bubble wrap, barcelona
tender to the quick

a moment wasted?
can i hold on longer? wait?
don't waste, don't waste them.

don't cash in yet.

octet

everyone's got a reason.


variables: X,Y
evaluate.

if X, then Y, then X, but Y, so X....

∞

(can the equation ever be solved?)

tired

Hold my hand while you cut me down
It had only just begun but now its over now
And your in the heat of moments with your heart playing up cold
I'm between the middle watching hastiness unfold
In my eyes your were smiling in the spotlight dancing with the night
The night I fell off your mind

I'm tired of trying
Your teasing ain't enough
Fed up of biding your time
When I don't get nothing back
And for what, and for what, and for what

When I don't get nothing back
Boy I'm tired

sloppy seconds.

i.
wish.
our.
love.
was.
right.





now.


damn it, marcus flutie.

this song has never boded well

And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me, if it kills me, it might kill me....


can't sleep. can't turn off my stupid brain. i don't know what to do anymore. i know it's a waiting game. but patience has never been my best virtue and you can still lose at games like that.

the boardwalk

stomach turns in sour circles
knots of nervousness and doubt
the seconds slowly slide around the clock
the sound and the fury of the summer masses
beats the drum of a thousand footsteps
on the pavement two feet away.

i am removed, from them
from time.
the sickly sweet summer breeze
the rays of soft sunlight,
remind me that i am not home.
trapped in this revolving door
the sweet lies spun like cotton candy
the trust collapsing like an upended cone
dreams crumbling like so many grains of sugar
strewn about the floor, impossible to pick up.

back where I was three, two, one year ago.
like a never ending dream.
the buckling letters of the tattoo on the calf
of the fat man pushing a stroller
ordering his deep fried twinkies,
feel like a mockery, a tease,
"i have everything i need to be happy right now"
my faith is shaken, i need a change of scene

can't go forward: to enchanted castles,
singing hills, lips heavy with accents and beer,
and feet that have traveled 10,000 miles.

can't go back: to soulmates,
simple times, lips soaked in diet coke and smiles,
and feet that need not move for happiness except to dance.

can't go over it.
can't go under it.
must go through.

The only emperor is the emperor of ice cream

Call the roller of big cigars,
The muscular one, and bid him whip
In kitchen cups concupiscent curds.
Let the wenches dawdle in such dress
As they are used to wear, and let the boys
Bring flowers in last month's newspapers.
Let be be finale of seem.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.

Take from the dresser of deal,
Lacking the three glass knobs, that sheet
On which she embroidered fantails once
And spread it so as to cover her face.
If her horny feet protrude, they come
To show how cold she is, and dumb.
Let the lamp affix its beam.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.

-Wallace Stevens

struggle

I love when you hand it to me, when you give me that power. Sometimes it feels so hard to hold up my end, but then I'm reminded in the little ways it's killing you.

I know you're trying your best to fake it. Trust me, I know all about it honey. Been there, done that. But I'm enjoying this role reversal, being the other for a change. I won't say it's easy, but I think I've got a better shot than you.


I am X. I'm the constant.

I am the independent variable.

they call her love, love, love

I learned the real meaning of love. Love is absolute loyalty. People fade, looks fade, but loyalty never fades. You can depend so much on certain people, you can set your watch by them. And that's love, even if it doesn't seem very exciting. ~Sylvester Stallone

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand and Stars, 1939, translated from French by Lewis Galantière

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. ~Rose Franken

The art of love... is largely the art of persistence. ~Albert Ellis

The lover is a monotheist who knows that other people worship different gods but cannot himself imagine that there could be other gods. ~Theodor Reik, Of Love and Lust, 1957

Love never reasons but profusely gives; gives, like a thoughtless prodigal, its all, and trembles lest it has done too little. ~Hannah More (Thanks, Steven)

Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire. ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

Love is, above all, the gift of oneself. ~Jean Anouilh

PB&J

Peanut Butter and Jelly Song

I’m peanut butter and you are jelly and we’re so happy on our little piece of bread

I remember the first time that I saw you, sitting in the cupboard with your other jelly friends

Cause you’re so sweet and I am chunky

You’re low fat, well I’m working on that

Cause I’m peanut butter and you are jelly

And we’re so happy on our little piece of bread

I like grape and strawberry

But you’re raspberry and that’s my favorite kind

Please forgive me for my stint with honey

I looked on the label and not at what was inside

Cause you’re so sweet and I am chunky

You’re low fat, well I’m working on that

Cause I’m peanut butter and you are jelly

And we’re so happy on our little piece of bread

I’m so glad that I discovered, you in the cupboard

I hope you’re glad too

From now on, we’ll be stuck together

But what could be better than being stuck with you

Cause you’re so sweet and I am chunky

You’re low fat, well I’m working on that

Cause I’m peanut butter and you are jelly

And we’re so happy on our little piece of bread.

It is written? Is there always a honey? Ugh, I don't know how I feel.

A Sunday

My uncle Harley had a lot to do with the way that I grew up.

He had it all. He was the smartest. He never had to try in school. He was the tallest and the most charismatic. He was the best athlete in his high school. The Mets tried to draft him straight out of high school to pitch, but my grandparents said he had to go to college first. He went to Santa Clara on a full ride for football.

He didn't finish a few credits so he could stay and play football for another year. He never finished. He had an amazing wife but his drinking drove her away. He ended up a truck driver who basically called the bar his home. If anyone didn't know where to find him, the first place to look was the Red Baron.

On my moms side, there's Charlie. Also a baseball player, smart and who could tell a story like no one else. When he was 20, he was hit by a car running a red light and he was completely paralyzed for life. For my mom, there was always such a sense of injustice when Charlie had no control over his life, that it was taken from him by no choice of his own, when someone like Harley who was given talents, looks, brains and opportunity simply chose to do nothing with it.

I think my parents were always terrified that even though I was getting it right, the grades, the sports, that I could always be a few choices away from being like Uncle Harley. I believe they told me that once when I wanted to quit some sport or another.

A few days ago, Harley shot himself.

It was surreal for me. I was never close with him. He got more and more distant from our family. It was always so hard for my parents to be around him; my dad because he'd already seen the effect of alcoholism on his dad and his grandpa and my mom because she experienced the same thing with her dad and it just made her feel like Charlie was so shorted.

It's been 364 days since I made my valedictory speech and yet these words ring truer today than they did even then. "As were the architects, contractors, and donors who generously built this school for us, we were expected to build something from nothing, and the relationships that we forged with each other allowed our efforts to be successful. These efforts were born from necessity, but by choosing what we each wanted to invest in our high school, we were, each of us, unknowingly developing the character that will ultimately shape our adult lives. As Sister Helen Prejean notes, or as Phil will tell you, the movie “Batman Begins” insists, “it’s what you do that defines you.”

Time and time again it shows again. The things that matter are your choices. You can be given all the talents and the gifts in the world, but if you choose to do nothing with them, the balance remains at zero. Even if ninety-nine precent of the factors that shape your life are not in your control, you get to choose your attitude in dealing with them.

Ultimately, I want to be proud of the person that I am. The thing I most focus on in life is asking myself, "What kind of person is this decision making me? Is this who I want to be for myself? Is this who I want to be to others?"

I have found that when I make decision for the kind of person that I want to be, the bigger person, the strong, independent, forgiving, understanding person that I want to be, those are truly the decisions that are the best for others as well.

I've seen it over and over. I'm sick of watching people regret. I have no room for regret in my life. It's such a wasted emotion. Instead, I commit to making it count the first time. I refuse to wait around and then look at all the time I've wasted doing things that don't help me grow or live in love. This decision empowers me. It makes my choices matter. It transforms past, present, and future into on contiguous movement toward that person I want to be. I am that I am.

What really moved me from this whole ordeal is watching my dad struggle. My dad is the silent but steady one in our extended family. No matter how stupid or lousy the things that they do, everyone trusts in Uncle Tom to help them out and keep his silence. And he does so unfailingly. But when he told me, it was the only time I'd actually seen him cry. And it shook me. It was the first time that I've really told my dad "I love you" without being perfunctory, in passing, in response. It just overwhelmed me. I love him.

He's normally so strong and stoic that it was so incredibly hurtful to see him hurting. But, if the rain must fall, I am grateful that it does because I feel like these moments, these twinges of agony, humanize me. They emphasize the brittle thread that is life and the even more tenuous bonds that hold us in families, in friendships, in love.

This summer has been pretty hard but I can say that today, I am who I want to be and I am making the things that I want in life possible with every decision I make. I surround myself with people who not only support these decision, but make them possible. And to them, I am forever grateful.

oh lord what can i say?

Look to the clock on the wall
Hands hardly moving at all
I can't stand the state that I'm in
Sometimes it feels like the wall's closing in

Oh Lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time tickin' on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say

Try and burn my troubles away
Drown my sorrow the same way
It seems no matter how hard I try
It feels like there's something just missing inside

Oh Lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time tickin' on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say
Oh Lord what can I say

How many rules can I break?
How many lies can I make?
How many roads must I turn
To find me a place where the bridge hasn't burned?

Oh Lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time tickin' on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Oh Lord what can I say?

Even a year and a half later, Kairos still helping me through ♥

for a young man.

greedy hands on hungry hips
forehead hugs and navel kisses.
lips locked to keep in
the words we couldn't say

how many running shoes does he need for eight months?

treads run thinner on a road for two
the view from the cliffs is stunning
like the stars and the moon,
it stirs something inside yourself.

but the fall is worse, the risk are higher
the path turns narrow and you lose yourself.
the edges crumble beneath your well-worn feet
the descent to the waves is cold, quick, lonely.

but under the water the silence is whole
free to think, your heart begins to move again
not for someone else; for none but you
your mind recalls
the cadence of the cliffs
the silence of the seas

the final peice
part two of two.
where you realize you
are you.

sometimes perfection can be, can be perfect hell

Vienna-Matt Costa

Vienna can you hear me lazing on the afternoon?
Cathedral bells are ringing a sound
Winter can't ignore her
Spring'll bring her back with blossoms
Summer bring her back to me now
Bring her to me

Shoulder to shoulder, be back in a month I told her
Wishing wells I wish her with me
Vienna was machts du?
I'm running through the streets of Zurich
Calling all the trains in Europe to bring her to me

Anything I got to do now

Anything I got to do to be...
Back with happy Mondays
Sleeping in on Sundays

Just to bring her to me

Vienna can you hear me lazing on the afternoon?
Cathedral bells are ringing a sound
Winter can't ignore her
Spring'll bring her back with blossoms
Summer bring her back to me now
Bring her to me

Anything I got to do now

Anything I got to do to be...
Back with happy Mondays
Sleeping in on Sundays

Just to bring her to me

I love how music reads my mind. And this shall be my theme song for my European train rides :) Speaking of German, I've gotta get on that! I will not back down!

vienna

101 days! I am getting so incredibly excited! A little nervous because my jobs haven't started yet but I'm having faith that it will all work out. I went to Crossroads to get baby books for Jacquline and I got this Rick Steves book for $5 bucks. I haven't been able to put it down since!

I'm so excited to grow and experience all these new things! I realized I'm going to get to cross some things off my bucket list: my first white Christmas, skating in an outdoor ice rink, and hopefully sitting on top of a completely deserted grass covered hill. Ooooh I can't wait!

Things are getting better with Wyatt. It's hard but I have to remember that we both have growing to do. He's trying really hard and he's been really responsive to me. It's hard but I know we can make it work. If it's meant to be, it'll be because we'll make it so. I'm committing to making the right decisions for me. And he's committed to make decisions to be my friend no matter what it takes. I think together, that should be enough for us. He really is something special and I want him in my life even though it hurts right now. I know first hand how hard it is to rebuild a relationship once the trust is broken but some things you just have to try for yourself. I've gotten better at that this year, living and letting others live. Thanks Maya ♥.

But I really could skip to July and be perfectly happy. I just want Tahoe so I can see everyone at the family reunion and Mikayla and Amelia. Then I'm pretty much down to go straight to Salzburg :D I'm ready to graduate from being a Baby 'Burger already!

As always, the Fray always knows what to say:

halfway around the world
lies the one thing that you want
buried in the ground, hundreds of miles down
first thing that arises in your mind while you awake
bending you til you break
let me hold you now

baby close your eyes
don't open til the morning light
baby don't forget
we haven't lost it all yet

your heart and mine

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

On the lives of others.

"Human life--that appeared to him the one thing worth investigating....There were poisons so subtle that to know their properties one had to sicken of them. There were maladies so strange that one had to pass through them if one sought to understand their nature. And, yet what a great reward one received! How wonderful the whole world became to one! To note the curious hard logic of passion, and the emotional couloured life of the intellect-- to observe where they met, and where they separated, at what point they were in unison, and at what point they were at discord--there was a delight in that. What matter what the cost was? One could never pay too high a price for any sensation"
-Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

"He loves me."
"He wants to enslave you."
"I shudder at the thought of being free"
-The Picture of Dorian Gray

what will happen to us now?

Time is a cold wind blowing through the leaves
Of a tired old tree I sit beneath
Where I think about the world and I don't know how
What will happen to us now?

And peace is a ladder up to the clouds
That I'm wishing I could climb but I don't know how
So would you lend me a hand to the promised land
Where I'm headed it glory bound

And it comes and it goes
Where it's headed, no one knows
And we come and we go
All the saints and the liars, sittin' by the fire
What will happen to us now?

And hatred is a sharp knife held by the blade
It's cutting in your palm 'til you feel no pain
And burning in your eyes with a righteous rage
'Til the ashes blow away

And love is a thing that you can't define
Though you try with all your might through the riddles and rhymes
But it'll fly you like a kite; it'll throw you to the ground
But that's the best thing I have found.

And it comes and it goes
Where it's headed no one knows
And we come and we go
Like the winter and the spring
Losing everything just to gain it back again

And oh, how pretty is the middle of June?

noah gundersen is love.

rules.

We always want to be the exception, not the rule.


But you have to get to know the rules before you can break them.





Someday, I'll be the exception. So today, I'm okay with learning the rules.

growth

Well today was an interesting day I shall say. Started off pretty poopy. The YMCA still hadn't called, things were weird and getting weirder with PB and finding out why wasn't so fun.

But today, even though it's a crappy day is a day that I realized just how much I've grown. At first it felt like I was right back where I was a little over a year ago. Back seat again. An unfortunate but acceptable casualty. Forced into a choice that I didn't want to make, that I shouldn't have to make if it was not for the choices of others.

But I'm a big girl now. Last year hurt a hell of a lot. But I did not let it jade me. I gave my heart fully again, but this time I wasn't stupid with it. I didn't let it blind me.

When someone showed me I wasn't worth it, I didn't take it lying down. I did was was best for me. I didn't let that take away my worth like I did before.

Yes, it hurts. Yes, I'll miss what I've lost. But I'll stay strong through it all. I won't let it break me, consume me.

I am that I am.

I appreciate how he handled it. I learned a lot about respect from him.

We both still have a lot of growing to do but in very different ways.

I hope that Salzburg will not only make me more independent, but that it will give me a better attitude about alcohol. When it came do those kinds of decisions this year, besides the study abroad thing, which was always the bottom line when I was considering those kinds of decisions, I don't like being sick and I don't like being out of control of things especially my body. In my family, there was never a question, it's about the worst thing ever. But i don't want to be judgmental like that. I have very good friends who make different choices about alcohol and I love them just the same. The worst part for me, the part that really gets me, that is that these decisions and my current attitudes stem from a place of fear rather than from a place of strength. This is something I'll probably always remember from my junior retreat. A lot of bad things happen in the world when you write off something without trying to understand it. The root of all evil is not money, it's fear. Although alcohol still makes me a little uncomfortable, I think I'll be willing to branch out a little more in Europe because the other factors aren't there like my parents or it being illegal or having academic consequences, so that I won't be so afraid of it anymore.

darlin' do not fear what you don't really know...

when all else fails, go to the ocean ♥

bittersweet symphony

"you have too a big heart" he said.
"i put my heart above my head.
and when it breaks it breaks in two" she said,
it's hard to find some glue or thread."



cheeks brush, tears mingle
staining their faces,
filling their mouths
with salty memories of lovers' licks
his fingers tracing down her back
loop high, swing low
over and over,
lo..lo....

"i don't think you're quite done my dear"
he pulls her tight, crushing her breath
in a flash---
his lips skim the inner folds of her ear
sending hot cold waves of electric gooseflesh
right down to her toes.

the words left unspoken
those three dangerous, sacred words
her breath catches another beat
and she lets out the ancient sob
of a heart torn asunder
when it bursts the limits of love.

joy and grief come tumbling down
like two young rams wrestling
in the dappled, downy dusk

a diaphanous dichotomy
suspension of suspicion and
revelation of her religion
two hearts, four parts


one year.

gleich um die Ecke

It finally hit me. Staring at my calendar. Two weeks left. I love these people too much. This sucks.

this fire is burnin', burnin' us UP

tonight reminded me of just what I love about UP and why I came here.

I started off the evening with a lovely dinner with lovely people. My friends here make me so happy. It's really nice to have the maneuverability here to really choose your friends and not hang out with people who don't really fit with you. I feel like that was one of the few drawbacks of my high school career. A lot of my drama wouldn't have happened if I could have moved on to different friends when things were obviously not jiving anymore.
"
Then I went to the Schoenfeldt Lecture series to see Pico Iyer. "A regular essayist for Time since 1986, he writes on literature for The New York Review of Books; on globalism for Harper's; on travel for the Financial Times; and on many other themes for the New York Times, National Geographic, TLS and many other publications." The most interesting part about him is that he is an Indian born in England and raised transcontinentally between England and the United States. There are very few places he hasn't traveled; most recently, he spent several years with the Dali Lama. No big. He spends half of his year traveling frantically around the globe and the other half in a monastery either off Highway 1 on the coast of California :) or in Japan. "I like to think of it like breathing", absorbing information, then processing it. He believes our lives are about the balance of motion and stillness. The motion is worth only as much as it can be comprehended and made sense of in the stillness, and the stillness is only as valuable as the motion that it processes.

His speech was structured in a very peculiar manner. He announced that he was going to have four reading of different pieces that he'd written. This sounds incredibly boring, especially because the readings were so disparate. One was a description of his addiction to being a frequent flier, one from his fictional piece about tensions from Islam and the West from the point of view of a Sufi mystic, one on his time with the Dali Lama, and one on the fires of Southern California. And yet he wove them together so seamlessly and conversationally, you would find yourself surprised that he'd arrived at the next reading because we were still in discussion of the previous ideas, but the reading dovetailed so perfectly with the previous discussion. It was wonderful.

He had a refreshingly positive outlook on globalization. Being somewhat of a global mutt himself, his pension for travel has only fueled his positive perspective that we have much to learn from each other. "One of the most moving things in all of my time with the Dali Lama was his first thoughts upon arrival in Darmsahala from the treacherous journey from exile in Tibet. He was grateful for the opportunities this afforded him and his people; for the ancient culture of Tibet, especially the women, to receive education and other modern advantages, and also to share with the world their ancient wisdom." He described having this same feeling after his parents house and several almost finished book were burned to the ground in the Santa Barbara fires. Burning his almost completed manuscript on Cuba and, more importantly,all his notes, he was afforded the opportunity to try out fiction writing that he had hitherto been too afraid to try. Even tribal cultures, he believes, must integrate with the modern world, but they should try engage in a process of sharing rather than a stage of resistance or grief because all of us are losing our "homeland". Where is that? Where your ancestors came from? Where you live? Where you were born? It was quite refreshing to hear someone, especially someone of an older generation face the problems and thrills of globalization so honestly, someone willing to grapple with the complexities of cross-cultural communication with first-hand experience.

Then we had a Border Plunge meeting and those people empower me and just make me very happy in general. I'm so grateful I got that opportunity and that experience defines a lot of what this school means to me. Here's the video with members of my group. I couldn't go in at the times they were filming, and honestly, I was still processing but I feel like they did an amazing job of describing the trip.

schönes Wochenende

Ahhhh. The beauty of weekends.

Friday, Wyatt and I finally got off campus and went to a really lovely dinner at PF Changs. We ate a ridiculous amount and then we went for a walk downtown. We wandered into Powell's(more like I dragged him, but he liked it) and after a good while just wandering, I shared with him my love for the German section. We read Die Große Panda and The Rainbowfish in German and it was all fun and games until I showed him the "Dirty German" book. We spent a good forty-five minutes reading all the dirty bad words like penispirat, spermalanza, and gummi. Meinen albern Fuzzi :) Then we played Wii till 2 AM and I crashed hard.

Saturdayf Amelia tricked me into going to Saturday market. We picked out this super awesome Tibetan wall hanging of the tree of life for our year next year. Then she had to go creep on people in a coffeehouse for sociology for a few hours so I decided I was going to try to find the Northface by PF Chang's the night before. I got WONDERFULLY and COMPLETELY lost in Portland. I love the public transportation here. I find something new every time. I found some really awesome courthouse buildings and FROYO! So finally I found it after two hours. They didn't really have the backpacks I was looking at online so I think I'll wait until I get home to get one (or two, as I'm now realizing I might need a travel one and a regular one!). Then I met back up with Amelia and got my haircut and we made it back to school in time for Guam night! It was delicious. By this time I was quite tired so I settled down for the night with our wing party decorating Easter eggs and making calzones. Sheridan had never painted an Easter egg before in her life! Then we watched 101 Dalmatians :) I'm going on another Disney streak again.


Sunday morning I got lots of sleeping accomplished. When I finally tried to do some homework, it turns out that with the new syllabus, I'd already completed the marketing homework for this week. Therefore, without the typical 5 to 6 hours of marketing homework, I was able to execute my Easter plans.

I made all my friends Easter baskets and, drumroll please, used Annie's coco crispies to make it look like bunny poop! Hehe, I was so excited all week. Amelia was the only one who caught me so I had to put on the Bunny Ears and hop away. Wyatt ruined the surprise so he got this:


I'm going to his house for Easter and I'm excited/nervous but I really loved his family so it should be awesome! This week can't be over soon enough! Only have to make it through Thursday morning!

Boys and girls watch each other eat, when really they just wanna watch each other sleep

Today was stressful. All of my friends are have mid-semester mid-life crises all at once and it's hard to handle. I'm a helper and there's not much I can do for any of them this time. It's super frustrating and bringing me down.

On the bright side, I went to the library to get away from it all and I was super productive.





And that troublemaker helps. He said best. He's not dependent on me and I think that's one of the reasons I'm so attracted to him. But that has its own crisis, doesn't it.

I'm not ready for summer. I want time.

Come on baby, compliment me

i love i love i love
how we are exactly the same in all the right ways
but that we can also be so different
i like to share, you prefer to listen
your left hand in my right


Put your hands to my hands
Put your knees to my knees
Put your eyes to my eyes
Come on baby compliment me

Cause I don’t think that we
Should ever feel the need to worry
Ever get ourselves in a hurry
You know I love you
I know you love me

So time will go
And we may be
Far apart I know
But as far as I can see
This is so good
There’s no need for change
It’s alright with me
It’s as simple as it should be
Simple as it should be

And this love will build
Through flights and streets
In the end I predict
You’ll get the very best of me

So put your lips to my lips
Why not go on and take all of it
And just run as fast as you can
Just cause you can

Cause time will go
And we may be
Far apart I know
But as far as I can see
This is so good
There’s no need for change
It’s alright with me
It’s as simple as it should be
Simple as it should be

I am almost 23
Confused with all the lines in between
They are dying to be read
Softly spoken simply said

Tell me do you believe
In the girl that is me
With her feet to your feet
Well that’s all that I need

Cause time will go
And we may be
Far apart I know
But as far as I can see
This is so good
There’s no need for change
It’s alright with me
It’s as simple as it should be
Simple as it should be

come and open up your folding chair next to me

"all i have to say to you is that the red fern grows in raspberry fields left of your vagina, or if you prefer, west of your third nipple."

poetry. hahhahaha.

i love the insanity. i love how anything goes. nothing is too ridiculous or too silly.



woooo. found out that The Hill is going to be published in the Writer's Magazine. I'm so not ready for school and our pre-frosh and Salzburg meeting tomorrow.

good thing I've got you babe.

Article on my Spring Break

Unshaven, dirty and dingy, seventy people sit, their hands, feet and midriffs chained, in a Tucson Federal court. The sight is so overwhelming in its absurdity and its severity that it most closely resembles the slave trade in early American history.
What is the crime that these people have committed? Surely they must be criminals of the highest degree, murders, rapists, or drug dealers to be restrained so exhaustively.

The looks of bewilderment and fear in their eyes contest this indication of debauchery. In fact, these people have no criminal history at all. They now stand before a federal court as a part of Operation Streamline, a law that requires the
Federal criminal prosecution and imprisonment of all unlawful border crossers, and specifically targeting migrant workers who have committed no other crimes.

This program is intended as a deterrent to prevent illegal border crossers. Agent Stagg of Border Patrol Tucson insists that increased border security and harsher enforcement of border policies are in direct response to the increased terrorist threat after 9/11 and the increased violence and drug trade in Mexico.

However, recent statistics and report by the Warren Institute indicate that deterrence programs like Operation Streamline are actually encouraging drug trade and human smuggling. According to an analysis by Syracuse University, Operation Streamline has skyrocketed illegal entry prosecutions to over 50% of the Federal agenda in Arizona, while the drug and human smuggling charges dropped from over 25% of total prosecutions to about 5% from 2003 to 2008.

Not only does Operation Streamline divert important resources from fighting more serious crimes, it tries to stem immigration without assessing the root causes of migration. Much like Operations Hold the Line, Gatekeeper, and Safeguard that tightened security in major urban areas only to push migrants out into more perilous desert territories and often to death, Operation Streamline does not slow immigration, it simply reroutes the problem with increased risk.

In Mexico, even a worker employed in a relatively well paying factory job would still need to spend roughly 80% of their weekly paycheck to buy the most basic groceries. Migrants headed for the border at a shelter in Altar, Mexico, many as young as sixteen or seventeen years old, described their mission with eerily simplistic and unwavering purpose, “Queramos una major vida-We want a better life.” Many cited the lack of jobs in their home states, especially in Southern Mexico, and the necessity to earn a higher wage to support aging parents or young children.

The US may actually be guilty of creating some of the economic causes of immigration. Author of The Omnivore’s Dilemma, Michael Pollan points out, the US currently grows 10 billion bushels of corn on enough acreage to cover roughly twice the size of the state of New York. Corn production has grown so rapidly, the market simply cannot support the massive amounts of corn being produced. The US government steps in with over $25 billion dollars in subsidies.

While this helps the corn farmers stay afloat in the US, there is still excess corn flooding the market. Because of the North American Free Trade agreement, the US can export this excess to Mexico for free. This influx of cheap corn floods the foreign markets, dramatically lowering the price of corn.

Native farmers can’t compete with the imported corn that subsidies allow to be sold for even less than it takes to grow. These farmers can’t afford to grow their own crops anymore and they lose their livelihood. Pollan reports that in 2007, 1.5 million Mexican farmers were pushed off their land.

Without the ability to sustain themselves in their homeland, many migrants have no choice but to uproot and look for work elsewhere. For thousands, the desire simply to survive outweighs the dangers posed by crossing the border. Yet, with projects like Operation Streamline, migrants are forced to resort to more desperate measures to cope with the new obstacles.

Robert Kinney, head of the Las Cruces Federal Defender’s Office, says people in his community refer to Operation Streamline as “a coyote employment Bill,” because with the higher stakes, people are hoping that experienced coyotes can successfully navigate them away from areas affected by Operation Streamline. Not only must coyotes pay the drug traffickers who control all routes to the border, the huge demand and the consequent dividends for trafficking drugs into the United States can make the drug trade an enticing prospect to people with little other economic choice.

Graffiti plastered over the Mexican side of the border wall captures the frustration of the migrant dilemma most succinctly; the portrait of a migrant kneeling before a Border Patrol agent holding a gun to the migrant’s head reads, “we live to be free, we die to escape slavery”.

obsessed

Albums:
Regina Spektor- Far
Matt Costa-Songs We Sing
Band of Horses-Everything all the Time and Cease to Begin
Anya Marina- Slow and Steady Seduction: Part II
Landon Pigg- The Boy Who Never
Julia Nunes Covers

Songs:
High Times-Landon Pigg
Lollipop Rexmix-Squeak E. Clean & Desert Eagles
Mother Nature-Sondre Lerche
She is Love-Parachute
Hallelujah- Martin Sexton


mmmmm playlist deliciousness...

We sit on front porches and swing life away

let's compare scars and i'll tell you whose is worse.



Sometimes it amazes me how you think you have grasp of a spectrum. A spectrum of good and bad, of happy and sad, of blessedness and suffering.

When I woke up it was just another day. School was annoying. People were stressed for tests. People were leaving for break.

I felt like I didn't have anything big left to do, just tons of small errands. Running around like a chicken with its head cut off, I felt like I was getting no where and accomplishing nothing but wearing myself down.

Before I knew it, it was time to go to the Service Plunge seminar. I was flustered, I wanted a nap, I wanted to spend time with Wyatt before we had to go, I wanted to be excited for my trip. I didn't want someone to lecture at me.

But they didn't. We put away the chairs and we played "step to the line". You split into two lines, facing each other with a line drawn down the midde. You're asked questions, ranging from general to specific, on a variety of topics- your family relations, your religion, your life goals, your politics, your views on sex. If your response is “yes” to any of the questions, you step toward the line indicating your degree of agreement with the statement.

The craziest thing about it was that it promoted solidarity and diversity all at once. Before I wasn't sure that they could go hand in hand. They seemed almost paradoxical.

It was slightly nerve wracking. You didn't get to explain or justify your choices. Sometimes you had to stick out. You had to be comfortable with your choices to stand out for them. But it was refreshing to reveal the deeper, more important things about yourself and to get to know them about others. It broke down the facades that we piece together, the things that we assume based on what little knowledge we have about others. I learned thing that you can't ask, things that would never come up, but are so essential to who we are and how we define ourselves. It felt like Kairos. There was truth. It's amazing how surface level the majority of our interactions are in life. But today felt liberating. It tapped into that well inside me that I get from retreats and service. I love that feeling. It's powerful and empowering. I feel connected. I feel driven.

Then I came home and napped and then finished Der Tunnel. That was an intense movie. Really intense. It's weird because since I've been at school, I don't really cry. I'm used to being a crybaby. It used to take one harsh word from someone I cared about to make me cry. I don't cry here. I cried a little bit when I was talking to Aiden about his breakdown. But things that aren't personal don't make me cry anymore. In a way, it's nice. It's no longer ridiculous. But it's also scary. I feel like I'm becoming desensitized. I don't like that. It's apathetic. Apathy is the opposite of love. What was happening to these people was just so incomprehensible. I just could begin to fathom what they were going through. It wasn't that I didn't think it was sad, I just couldn't understand it.

Then I had a talk with Maya. She always says how people don't really know her. That used to be confusing because I thought that I knew her pretty well. But she's jsut been through so much that it's so hard to comprehend her. I knew she'd been through a lot with her dad but I never knew it was on so many levels. Everyday she lives with the fact that she has lost her dad and all her aunts and uncles to a disease that she and her brother have a 50% chance of having. That is a lot of weight to put on a person so young. And yet, she is the most joyful, grounded person in my life. It's incredible. We've come from radically different places with different environments, but we're so similar.

I feel refreshed. Sad, but refreshed. I don't like it, but if Maya can make the best of it, so can I. I love you, boo.

After an afternoon

I bare my windowed self untamed and untrained
But there's something in the way you laugh
And it makes me feel like a child
Aspects of life they confuse me
You and your thesis amuse me
Oh, after and afternoon with you
And your rich brown eyes
Your lips and dark hair
Elbows and exposed knees tossing toward the ceiling
After an after, after an after, after an afternoon
After an after, after an afternoon with you

face to palm
tear to tear
mouth to tongue
heart to ground
heart to ground

goodness gracious it's been such a long day. It still has not registered with me that within a week I'll be in Mexico on the Border Plunge. School is just too insane right now. Probably 10 hours of sleep over three days. Two days to go. I've just gotta make it to Wednesday. Since when is it Spring Break? I just want this semester to last as long as possible. I am so excited for Salzburg but I love everyone here so much. Time for some well deserved sleep. Goodnight moon.

heart to ground
well maybe, maybe baby
i am in love

:)

Goodness gracious.


I've gotten NO homework done, but I had so much fun not doing it.

Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids.

I've got a Wocket in my Pocket.

bliss.

Today was fabulous. Go to bed at 5. Wake up at 9. Meet the fam. AMAZING brunch. Amazing view. Silly pictures. Little kid Valentines. Coffee. Determination. Fantastic movie with Emilia. Snuggling.

Perfection.

I'm exhausted but I still have so much energy I want to scream at the top of my lungs.






"i think possibly maybe i'm falling for you..." ♥







my sunday secret is that it's not possibly or maybe, silly. happy valentine's day.

I hate Winnipeg.

But I definitely don't have Tuesdays and Thursdays! No classes so I can sleep in all I want. I need to catch up from the weekend and staying up to write my paper until 3 on Sunday night. Totally worth it though.

This weekend was so much fun. Friday, Amelia and Molly and I went down to Hawthorne to look for outfits for the dance. So many great thrift stores down there. I got this perfect red and white forties dress for $14. We also found a bunch of cool little place to eat and hang out so we decided that Molly and I are going back next weekend :)

Saturday Wyatt and I tried to go to PF Chang's before the dance, but the wait was two and a half hours, so we just wandered around down by Pioneer Square for three hours. By which time we could have eaten there but we had fun exploring and finding new places to eat. We found REAAAAALLLLLYYY good froyo. I love just wandering in urban areas. Some of the architecture is so awesome. Then we met a very interesting man on the MAX that kind of grounded my day. Made me very grateful.

Then we went to the dance around 10 and ended up staying the whole time. So much fun except for my feet got destroyed by drunks in sillettos. But it was worth it :)

Sunday sucked because I hadn't done any homework but I'm not too torn up about it. Tuesday is like my redo of Sunday. I have a lot of stuff to do before Roque comes on Thursday morning though! I'm so excited!

comfortable

I've never been this comfortable before.

I'm so relaxed all the time, it's nice. No gimmicks, no hidden tensions, no doubts. Just fun.




Dance this weekend! I still need a dress! Hopefully the trip to Hawthorne with Mia works out and then I can get something for the Great Gatsby party as well! Hooray!

Letter From A Birmingham Jail

"Such an attitude stems from a tragic misconception of time, from the strangely irrational notion that there is something in the very flow of time that will inevitably cure all ills. Actually, time itself is neutral; it can be used either destructively or constructively. More and more I feel that the people of ill will have used time much more effectively than have the people of good will. We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people. Human progress never rolls in on wheels of inevitability; it comes through the tireless efforts of men willing to be co workers with God, and without this hard work, time itself becomes an ally of the forces of social stagnation. We must use time creatively, in the knowledge that the time is always ripe to do right. "
-MLK

All over now.

"its not my job to care.
where did you serve?
who did you feed?
who slept better that night?
and did you stop human trafficking?
who did you release from slavery?"


Never more. I discovered this weekend how much I'd been missing out on. Just how unhealthy my life used to be. Ironic that both worlds collided in the single weekend, but it's just making my new experiences strong in relief. It's unreal. But so amazing.

Addicted

"you should be wilder; you're no fun at all. yeah thanks for the input, thanks for the call.."

"it's this thing now, it's drivin' me wild. i gotta see what's up before it gets me down. love's not a mystery, it's everything."

"we tour this world like we were on a bus, but i can't help but wonder who'll back down first, the world or us...she's harder to read with each page of the book."


So excited for Avatar with Aiden, Annie and Wyatt tonight.

Live my life

Today, I will not babysit the immature. Today, I will not be pulled down by my past. Today, I will not be a slave to irony and doubt. Maybe tomorrow, maybe someday. But today, I will live for what's good for me. And what's good for me is right here, right now.

the touch of you lips is a shock not a kiss, it's electric twist

I forgot how this feels.

I forgot how scary it is. But how exhilarating.


BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. So much going on. College is constant change. I love it.

EEEEEEEEEEEK!

WOW! This semester has already got me running around non-stop! I've barely had time to breathe! Not only was I figuring out all my classes but my Border Plunge and Study Abroad stuff. So it turns out that Fr. Art didn't get the original email I sent on Christmas so he filled London Spring. So I put down my deposit for Salzburg. Not ideal considering recent events but everyone I've talked has not a single bad thing to say. As Eleanor put it, "It's not the people in Salzburg who are missing out on their sophomore year at UP, it's us who are missing out on the Salzburg year. I look at the stuff they're doing and I just want to cry." So that will be awesome.

I haven't even had time to put my binders together and I'm usually WAY anal about that. Marketing is going well. The teacher is a self-proclaimed jerk who only gives one A a semester. He reminds me of Mathews in that he's very brisk and blunt and will shoot you down mercilessly if you're wrong. So that already had me WAY fired up after the first class because I like a challenge. And I apparently respond well to that kind of teaching.

This weekend Maya and I drove 9 hours each way up to Schweitzer with Lindsey so she could work and not have to drive alone. It was a lot of fun. I've always loved road trips and we got to sled and hot tub and have some good talks that thankfully prepared me for the drama of yesterday.

Yesterday was very interesting. I'm glad that it went down the way it did. He really gets me. I just hope this all works out and the drama stays to a minimum. It's really hard to make myself hold back and remember that it's definitely not as straightforward as it feels. But for now, it feels good. Things haven't felt this good in a long time. I'm so excited :)

Whooooo. First day of the semester.

I survived my 8:10. I can't really get a read on my teacher just from that class period. But she said sometimes she'd bring doughnuts and I got a seat next to Molly in my favorite classroom. It's the small things that get you through life haha.

I feel so accomplished. As of 9:38 AM, I have already attended one class, gone to breakfast, set up an appointment to settle my study abroad business, filled out and turned in my paperwork to get my iPod online, taken out the trash and made my bed. Pretty good considering I haven't even been conscious for another three hours for the past three weeks. If I get the rest of my books today, I'll be golden!

daydreamer

Daydreamer, sittin' on the seat
Soaking up the sun he is a
Real lover, makin' up the past and feeling up his girl like he's never felt her figure before
Jaw dropper
Looks good when he when he walks, he is the subject of their talk
He would be hard to chase, but good to catch and he could change the world with his hands behind his back, oh
You can find him sittin' on your doorstep
Waiting for the surprise
It will feel like he's been there for hours
And you can tell that he'll be there for life

Daydreamer, with eyes that make you melt
He lends his coat for shelter because he's there for you when he shouldn't be
But he stays all the same, waits for you and then sees you through
There's no way I could describe him
All I say is, just what I'm hoping for

But I will find him sittin' on my doorstep
Waiting for the surprise
It will feel like he's been there for hours
And I can tell he'll be there for life
And I can tell he'll be there for life

new.

our three AM talks
you know me better than most.
why 'big brother', wy?

oh irony
no originality
poems and lovers

white lines on your mind.

white lines on your mind
keep it steady
you were never ready
for the lies...

you don't have no doctor robert,
you don't have no uncle albert;
you don't even have good credit
you can write but you can't edit.

I will not be that girl.
I will not be that girl.

Today was fun. Talked to Mathews class. Michael Young is going to UP :) And got to hang out with Kase and Sandra so that was really fun! I hate packing. I had a bad dream that I hadn't packed last night. Haha, I don't know why it freaks me out so much...

IIIIIIICCCCCCCKKK

I think I'm allergic to home. I puked three times yesterday. I couldn't even keep down water and Tums. Definitely not the flu but I don't now how it could be food poisoning because I just threw up water and I ate all the same things as my mom. Now I still feel like crap. Boo.

I'm obsessed.

With 500 Days of Summer, as I've mentioned. Also with Zooey. Tried to watch Gigantic. There's a reason Dwayne didn't talk much in Little Miss Sunshine. Not so swell. We're in the Middle of The Go-Getter right now.

I got a haircut today. It's way short. But I can pull off Zooey now, lol.







Basically, not only is she gorgeous. I want to wear every single outfit she's worn, ever. Hey, maybe we are twins.




Now I just need contacts ;) Just kidding, I'm a brown eyed girl.

I can't stop listening to this song. And I want that dress. And that cardigan. And those dance moves. And that boy. Damn you.



I'm stoked because on the website they have a list of all the playlists Tom made for summer (Spearmint, etc.) so the loveliness of the soundtrack will be expanded. Enid and I are going to have a music/summer/viewing party :) Yay school! Going to Powell's with Aiden and my new giftcard Sunday! Saturday needs to come faster and this mundane stuff needs to do itself. Like the otter ;)

My shoulder is super sore from the Wii. My goal is to reach pro at the end of this week in tennis. Back and shoulders were already killer today, I don't know why, so it probably wasn't a good idea to play so much but it's the closest to volleyball I'm getting these days.

penis.

Bleh

I miss my family. I want to go home. Portland is home now, for sure.

This week I'll get to see Denise and Sarah and hopefully some other people. I'll go to Mathews class and talk about college. I remember at the beginning of the semester when Keenan's cousin came to visit, I had so much to say. Now college has just become so normal I don't really know how to define it.

Other than that, I'll just do a bunch of chore-like stuff like shopping and filling out my leadership applications for next year.

Soooooo homesick. Hurry up!

2009 set to music

I picked some songs for each month of this past year:
January- Love, Save the Empty- Erin McCarley, Foundations-Kate Nash

February- The Way I Loved You-Taylor Swift, Last Beautiful Girl- Matchbox Twenty

March- Campus-Vampire Weekend, San Francisco-Brett Dennen

April- All Used Up-Eric Hutchinson, Wrong About Me-Brett Dennen, Bruised-Ben Folds, Tired-Adele

May- Fuck You-Lily Allen, He Wasn't There-Lily Allen, The Chain-Ingrid Michaelson

June- All Over Now- Eric Hutchinson, Merry Happy/Little Red-Kate Nash

July-Pumpkin Soup-Kate Nash, It Ain't Me Babe-Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon, Chinese-Lily Allen

August- Hotel Song-Regina Spektor, Apologize-OneRepublic, I'm in Miami Bitch-LMFAO

September- Decatur, or a Round of Applause for Your Stepmother-Sufjan Stevens, I Got A Feeling- Black Eyed Peas

October- Us-Regina Spektor, Skeleton Soup-Kate Nash

November- La La Lie- Jack's Mannequin, The Ballad of Love and Hate- The Avett Brothers

December- Red Right Ankle- Decemberists, The Beacon- A Fine Frenzy, What I Wouldn't Do- A Fine Frenzy

Rough year, but all's well that ends well. Here's to 2010 :)