let's compare scars and i'll tell you whose is worse.
Sometimes it amazes me how you think you have grasp of a spectrum. A spectrum of good and bad, of happy and sad, of blessedness and suffering.
When I woke up it was just another day. School was annoying. People were stressed for tests. People were leaving for break.
I felt like I didn't have anything big left to do, just tons of small errands. Running around like a chicken with its head cut off, I felt like I was getting no where and accomplishing nothing but wearing myself down.
Before I knew it, it was time to go to the Service Plunge seminar. I was flustered, I wanted a nap, I wanted to spend time with Wyatt before we had to go, I wanted to be excited for my trip. I didn't want someone to lecture at me.
But they didn't. We put away the chairs and we played "step to the line". You split into two lines, facing each other with a line drawn down the midde. You're asked questions, ranging from general to specific, on a variety of topics- your family relations, your religion, your life goals, your politics, your views on sex. If your response is “yes” to any of the questions, you step toward the line indicating your degree of agreement with the statement.
The craziest thing about it was that it promoted solidarity and diversity all at once. Before I wasn't sure that they could go hand in hand. They seemed almost paradoxical.
It was slightly nerve wracking. You didn't get to explain or justify your choices. Sometimes you had to stick out. You had to be comfortable with your choices to stand out for them. But it was refreshing to reveal the deeper, more important things about yourself and to get to know them about others. It broke down the facades that we piece together, the things that we assume based on what little knowledge we have about others. I learned thing that you can't ask, things that would never come up, but are so essential to who we are and how we define ourselves. It felt like Kairos. There was truth. It's amazing how surface level the majority of our interactions are in life. But today felt liberating. It tapped into that well inside me that I get from retreats and service. I love that feeling. It's powerful and empowering. I feel connected. I feel driven.
Then I came home and napped and then finished Der Tunnel. That was an intense movie. Really intense. It's weird because since I've been at school, I don't really cry. I'm used to being a crybaby. It used to take one harsh word from someone I cared about to make me cry. I don't cry here. I cried a little bit when I was talking to Aiden about his breakdown. But things that aren't personal don't make me cry anymore. In a way, it's nice. It's no longer ridiculous. But it's also scary. I feel like I'm becoming desensitized. I don't like that. It's apathetic. Apathy is the opposite of love. What was happening to these people was just so incomprehensible. I just could begin to fathom what they were going through. It wasn't that I didn't think it was sad, I just couldn't understand it.
Then I had a talk with Maya. She always says how people don't really know her. That used to be confusing because I thought that I knew her pretty well. But she's jsut been through so much that it's so hard to comprehend her. I knew she'd been through a lot with her dad but I never knew it was on so many levels. Everyday she lives with the fact that she has lost her dad and all her aunts and uncles to a disease that she and her brother have a 50% chance of having. That is a lot of weight to put on a person so young. And yet, she is the most joyful, grounded person in my life. It's incredible. We've come from radically different places with different environments, but we're so similar.
I feel refreshed. Sad, but refreshed. I don't like it, but if Maya can make the best of it, so can I. I love you, boo.
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