growth

Well today was an interesting day I shall say. Started off pretty poopy. The YMCA still hadn't called, things were weird and getting weirder with PB and finding out why wasn't so fun.

But today, even though it's a crappy day is a day that I realized just how much I've grown. At first it felt like I was right back where I was a little over a year ago. Back seat again. An unfortunate but acceptable casualty. Forced into a choice that I didn't want to make, that I shouldn't have to make if it was not for the choices of others.

But I'm a big girl now. Last year hurt a hell of a lot. But I did not let it jade me. I gave my heart fully again, but this time I wasn't stupid with it. I didn't let it blind me.

When someone showed me I wasn't worth it, I didn't take it lying down. I did was was best for me. I didn't let that take away my worth like I did before.

Yes, it hurts. Yes, I'll miss what I've lost. But I'll stay strong through it all. I won't let it break me, consume me.

I am that I am.

I appreciate how he handled it. I learned a lot about respect from him.

We both still have a lot of growing to do but in very different ways.

I hope that Salzburg will not only make me more independent, but that it will give me a better attitude about alcohol. When it came do those kinds of decisions this year, besides the study abroad thing, which was always the bottom line when I was considering those kinds of decisions, I don't like being sick and I don't like being out of control of things especially my body. In my family, there was never a question, it's about the worst thing ever. But i don't want to be judgmental like that. I have very good friends who make different choices about alcohol and I love them just the same. The worst part for me, the part that really gets me, that is that these decisions and my current attitudes stem from a place of fear rather than from a place of strength. This is something I'll probably always remember from my junior retreat. A lot of bad things happen in the world when you write off something without trying to understand it. The root of all evil is not money, it's fear. Although alcohol still makes me a little uncomfortable, I think I'll be willing to branch out a little more in Europe because the other factors aren't there like my parents or it being illegal or having academic consequences, so that I won't be so afraid of it anymore.

darlin' do not fear what you don't really know...

when all else fails, go to the ocean ♥