Oh My God

My life is so much more like Gilmore Girls than I could even know.

This is ridiculous.

It's a coming of age...

when you feel it you know.

I've felt it. I'm ready.

Two weeks 'till Bert and Ernie are reunited! Haha that's going to be such a crazy day. Also the day I don't have to see anymore fake people/ people who treat me like shit and it's Roque's birthday dinner. All on no sleep!

Today was hilarious. I still can't believe Mathews actually called him out. I'm sorry, but it's true. Just because everyone was in on it doesn't mean it was okay. Every teacher has told me (besides Mathews, until now) they can't believe he was that jerky and immature. I place my faith that someday he too will come to realize that and drop all his stupid cop outs of "relative morality" and "time will heal".

He said that I didn't want him to be happy. But if he MUST have a girlfriend to be happy then that says a lot more about him than about me. It just made me sad that they both thought it was worth it to treat me so terribly and lose my friendship for a relationship that is most likely doomed by college anyway. It's all so lame.

But I've got people who love me and appreciate me for who I am. I love them :)

I can watch the sunset on my own, yeah I can be alone

I deserve so much more.

I have worked so hard to get where I am. I am who I say I am and who I am is who I want to be. And if that's not okay with you, then I don't need you in my life.

Everyone is getting all sappy over missing their friends after we all leave. But I'm not concerned with that at all. Those who matter, the true friends, will stay in touch. There will be no missing because loving is always in the present. I always struggled with this quote for the longest time. I still don't know if I want to believe it's true. "You either love someone or you never did." But I think it was so hard for me to write off because I think there is a seed of truth there. How could I not believe that after what I've been through in the last few weeks? The friends who stand by you will always be there. I tried so hard to love him, but I don't think he was mature enough. I think that has been sufficiently evident by the way he has treated me when we've broken up. If I was important to him is respects other than as a girlfriend, he would have taken care to preserve our friendship. Prom epitomized it. It was not about me, he just needs a girl. If the things that he said about loving me were true, he couldn't have been that frisky with another girl that fast(again). That's just not how it works. At least for the kind of love I'm looking for. So it was hard, but it makes it all make sense. I hope it's just a phase and that he works out whatever is causing him to act like this because that kind of behavior is gonna bite him in the ass. Hard. But he doesn't want my input so I'll let him live his life and hope it doesn't catch up to him.

I, for one. don't need someone to make me believe in myself. I am so happy with who I've become and where I'm going and I can't wait for the future. I don't have a single fear or reservation. It's fantastic.

"Up, up, up and away and over to a table at the Gratitude Cafe. And I am finally there."

The best part of being valedictorian is the happiness it will bring my family. I am the one grandchild, on either side, that is not a fuck up(well Philip and Andrew may have promise but we just don't know yet). At any rate, both of my grandpas will get to be there and I know that they are so proud of me and that this will make them so happy and I want my speech to be really good so that they have absolute justification for that. It's been a rough couple months on both sides and I think this is exactly what they need :) It's really all I can do so I'm going to do it my best.

Bowl of Oranges

I just really listened to the lyrics for the first time...

I said "There is nothing I can do for you
that you can't do for yourself."
He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help."
So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt.
He said, "I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure.
Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile."
So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone.
And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow.
But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself.
It is best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or simple song of hope.

So true :) I wish I could remember the poem that I was writing in my head. About mirrors and brown eyed girls. I knew I should have written it down...

I found a friend, or should I say a foe

here today, gone tomorrow.
When you're older, you will understand.

The Fray defines us until the end. Irony.

I honestly don't hate him. It would just be idiotic for me to be around someone who chooses to continually hurt me and to be apathetic to my pain because I do still care and it does hurt. Someone who thinks it is quite okay to hurt me because I'll get over it in time. That is just a cop out. People will get over the Holocaust in time. Time makes evil okay. I don't think so. The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy.

I think that's going to be the topic of my valedictorian speech, coincidentally.

Best advice I've ever gotten?

Apparently they're doing a piece on valedictorians (hey now, James? I really hope he chose Reed so I will know SOMEONE in Portland!) and I am supposed to provide "the best piece of advice" that I've been given in high school. That's quite difficult, as I've been given a lot, especially in light of recent events. All those sporting events, crazy awesome volleyball seasons, Curtain Calls, retreats and Core Team events. I can't even begin to fathom all the advice I've received, much less evaluate how much and how well they each have impacted my life. But this is what I've got so far.

"Reflect back to each other nor our projections, not our needs, not what we wish the world and each other to be, but to reflect back "you are beloved."-Cyprian Consiglo

"The only mistake I make is the one from which I learn nothing"-Someone at Kairos

"I have everything I need to be happy right now"-Kairos again

"When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it--always."
-Mahatma Gandhi

"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald

I think I'm leaning toward the last one.

Wow. I just got sucked into all my Kairos stuff. I think I really needed that before this last week of high school. I needed to hear those good things again. I am completely confident in my own abilities but it's good to know that I am those things to other people. That its not just me, I am the person that I think I am and say that I am. I'm so glad I never threw that letter away. "Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth."
-Benjamin Disraeli. I'm glad I have this booklet, this blog, this letter, so that I always remember how I felt because that is what is most real to me. And when I read them, I feel most alive because they are no longer faded memories, I am living them again.

Walcott Weekend

Wow. This weekend is going to SUCK. Hard.

I'm not going to go to the drama play because I just can't see them together. It hurts too much.

First there's Prom, which is going to be even harder than I thought. I just hope I can go and get it over with. I hate how everyone acts as though everything is normal, as though I'm not being hurt. I'm just glad that I think I've managed to avoid at least the most awkward situation as far as pictures go.

Then I can't go to any after parties(which I'm not really that concerned about because I'm tired of having to try to fake it with all these people who don't actually care about me) because I have to go home and get to sleep so we can get up early and for to Elk Grove for my uncle's funeral. It's going to kill my mom. My grandpa will most likely go too soon because he's really sick and he needs surgery but can't afford it. Caring for Charlie gave him a reason to live and now he's gone. He was paralyzed years before I was born so I never really knew him, it always kind of made me uncomfortable. But I think it'll still be hard for me because everyone would always talk about how hilarious and great he was and hearing all those stories will make me realize how much I never got to know or experience.

Then my aunt and uncle are finally getting divorced but they'll both be there so that will be awkward. UGH. Pretty much the only good thing about this weekend is that it will get me two days closer to graduating and getting the hell out of here.

"Don't you wanna get out of Cape Cod, outta Cape Cod tonight?"

Yes. Yes, please.

We'll get Chinese and watch TV....

T-18 hours until we "close one chapter, and start a new, better one". This is the first time in a long time that things have started to feel okay again. I need out of high school right now. It's holding me back.

Ockham's Razor

ockham's razor to
the heart will quickly bleed the
meaning out of life.

My Child

A poem I wrote last year in Religion class, staring out the window at the green, green hills, day dreaming. Influenced by Awareness by Anthony DeMello.

grey soft sweater, stiff collar striped

with prim cornflower lines.

classic beauty, crisp clean shape of sucess

clearly, visible it is beautiful in its way.

classic happiness?

my child runs across a preschool lawn

I want him to be different

to be free

"we are raised on drugs from childhood;

this is the formula for happiness."

dope fiends for triple lattes and fancy cars

the quick fix

stargirl, stargirl

no, don't cling, don't cry

your feet tread the crisp grass beneath

your unblemished toes

braver than the new world you will inherit.

i can make you different.

But I must first kill myself

my blinded ego

my compromised dreams.

what then will make me happy?

to run with my child

unhindered and free

draw on the walls, play in the mud

baby, meet the greatness of the world.

exSTATIC freedom

i love you, but don't cling.

love knows no need.

we must grow without bounds

love, a choice

no dependent desire.

to be free is what I want for you, my child.

trample the grass and laugh;

teeter away from me.

you will fall, but you will rise

stargirl, stargirl.

soar on fledgling wings.

PostSecret

A History Lesson for Holden( I hope you have the balls to read this)

In Richard Wilbur's "A Barred Owl" and Billy Collins "The History Teacher" both serve to show that the root of twisting the truth is fear. In "Owl" parents lie to soothe their troubled child fretting over a bump in the night. In "History Teacher" the teacher smooths over unpleasant pasts he doesn't want to face for a story that's easier to swallow, to disastrous, violent results when the kids can't learn from their pasts and are doomed to repeat atrocities.

You see Holden Caulfield in yourself? Well I do too.

"The most noticeable of Holden's “peculiarities” is how extremely judgmental he is of almost everything and everybody. He criticizes and philosophizes about people who are boring, people who are insecure, and, above all, people who are “phony.” While Holden uses the label “phony” to imply that such people are superficial, his use of the term actually indicates that his own perceptions of other people are superficial. In almost every case, he rejects more complex judgments in favor of simple categorical ones."- SparkNotes

You want to psychoanalyze people based on the movies they like for a minute? Yeah, I love A Walk to Remember because I believe that people can change. No one is perfect and therefore I think change is necessary for good. As for you, Dr. Horrible's is a perfect example of the same characterization typical of Holden. You can't have duplicity, things must be one way or another. That's why you had to annihilate me. There was both good and bad because love is hard and you hated that. You opted, twice, for a simpler, easier, less deep and complex relationship. You don't know what to do with all the momentos? I kept some of them because I can understand that there was still good and I gave the rest back just like you took back your promises. But you don't want it to be both ways because that's too hard to deal with.

"A brief note about Holden's name: a “caul” is a membrane that covers the head of a fetus during birth. Thus, the caul in his name may symbolize the blindness of childhood or the inability of the child to see the complexity of the adult world. Holden's full name might be read as Hold-on Caul-field: he wants to hold on to what he sees as his innocence, which is really his blindness."-SparkNotes

Your blindness is your inability to see your past as it is. You blog how you feel then later you delete your posts and deny those thoughts, those feelings you had. You have never been able to admit that you cheated because it is something that you despise and you wish you hadn't. So you deny it every happened.

In the words of Sr. Helen Prejean and of Batman "deep down you may still be that same great kid you used to be. But it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you." "I look at what I do to find out who I really am."

Take a look.

You lied. You cheated. You broke every promise (Forever and always, she means nothing, we'll always be best friends, I'll give you your suprise, It's not like we can't talk, You're always welcome to a hug) You ran. You constantly delete things that would remind you that things were ever otherwise(like the four blogs you wrote all about me. Even when they admitted she wasn't enough to make you happy. Because you want to be over it so you can't show you're still dealing with it). And worst of all you couldn't and can't admit these things because you don't want to be that person.

I was ready for forgiveness at any moment. I tried to give it many times. But I could not forgive you for something that you could not forgive yourself for, something you were so afraid of that you denied to my face ever happened. I was there. I know what happened.

"Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true."
-Demosthenes. Even now, when I told you not to pretend that you care because you didn't care when I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't breathe, that I was so hurt, you try to convince yourself that you're the good guy(funny because that's what always you told me "don't make the the bad guy!" Sometimes, ya are. It's life. But at least I can admit that I fuck up like everyone else.) Like today when I was choking, that long, concerned face, ready to jump in to action to show you're a good guy who still cares. Anyone could do that. But when it was you that was was causing my pain? Forget it. You couldn't be bothered. That's caring.

I think you blame me and I think that's why you push me away so hard. You think I pushed you to do it. That it's all my fault. And I hold you accountable for it and you hate that. With me you can't run away. Do you think it's a coincidence that your favorite hobby is running?

Your apology yesterday was just as all the others were. Dripping with sarcasm and self-martyrdom, blandly repeating back that you're sorry for whatever I identified as the problem. If you were truly sorry, you would feel remorse and because of this, you wouldn't let it happen again. You have never shown even the smallest sincere sign of trying to change your behavior to be less hurtful.

You will probably block me now, because you don't want to face it, as always. Delete everything that doesn't fit with the picture you paint in your head. You say I have no stake in this. I have been called a liar and a terrible friend because you lied about the truth I told.

"Your tragic flaw is compassion"(Do you remember that part of the conversation? Because apparently the rest of the night was delirium.) It's only a flaw when people take advantage of it. And I've wised up with you. Every time I forgive you, you aren't really sorry because it means admitting you were wrong, so you never fix anything and I get hurt again and again. So sorry means nothing. If you ever show me that you are willing to stop hurting me, you will have my forgiveness but never again my heart.

Liberation Theology

I was writing the prayer for announcements for tomorrow and I was stumbling through daily prayers and came upon this.

Whatever ultimate meaning life may have,
this much can be said already--
life is a call to share in the world's making.
It is a chance to intervene, to contribute,
to enhance what exists
by the sheer power
of one's own presence and activity.
One cannot be good simply by avoiding evil.
To be indifferent or apathetic
to the needs of one's neighbor,
to stand aloof from a world begging for help,
is already to be guilty.

--Robert O. Johann

SOOOOO good. Works for my prayer and my liberation theology quote. So true.

"Everyone said, you need to give him some time. And I'm glad that I gave it to him 'cause now everything's fine. Yeah, he's a hero in disguise."

Musica

Music I really, really want but I'm broke so I'm recording this for posterity...

Give Up- The Postal Service

Left Right Wrong- Julia Nunes

I Wrote These-Julia Nunes (She is that great.)

The Fray-The Fray ( I'm going to see them in August and Jack's Mannequin is opening for them! So stoked!!)

Sleep Through the Static- Jack Johnson

Vampire Weekend-Vampire Weekend (I actually already have this and love it but it won't upload to the computer :/ )

Just the song The Climb by Miley Cyrus. Shut up.

Alright, Still-Lily Allen

So Much More-Brett Dennen

Begin to Hope-Regina Spektor

Flight of the Conchords-Flight of the Conchords


I'm going to the University of Portland in the fall and I'm going to be in the Honors Program and I am BEYOND stoked.