You betta act fast, because supplies, they never last...

"What if I fail?” or worse, “What if I’m becoming a sell-out?” Of course these faux tragedies, these ways of being viewed, existed only in my head."


"One impossible day I was avoiding the easy task of letting go while arguing with the demons in my head in an effort to feel love, worth, to have my intuitions confirmed that what I was working on was of value. I had always been a troubadour who relied on signs and coincidences to satisfy the mystic in my mind, and on this particular day after an unsatisfying week, what I needed most was a sign.

I should have seen the signs all around me in the form of my breath taking care of my life, in the form of my apartment keeping me sheltered, in the form of MUSIC in general, and in the form of many friends I had access to by telephone. One such friend, a beautiful ray of light, offered up her usual brand of tough love, invited me to surrender to it all, to stop asking for so much."

-Jason Mraz

Pretty much my life right now. I'm doing much better on my Lenten promises. Well, I can't say promises because my posture sucks but my insecurity is getting much better. Last night I was on my way to an Eric Hutchinson concert for my birthday, what should have been nothing but joyful, and I received quite a sour bit of news that played directly on my biggest insecurity. Immediately, I felt that shock to the stomach, my abdomen tying in knots and that slightly nauseous feeling. This was not my imagination running away with me. I had been concretely lied too. Ironically, I knew so at the time. I highly suspected that person was lying just from the way it was said but I couldn't push it and didn't have any reason to say otherwise except my insecurites. I didn't know it was to this extent; I believe that it was probably even worse than I do know but I've at least wised up a bit and figured out that I don't want to know. I don't want to put myself through that. After making myself sick, I decided that I didn't want this anymore. I didn't want to be this unhappy girl who could be so utterly broken. Previously, I would have made myself sick for weeks, acted out against this person, been terribly miserable. But I enjoyed the concert. I still have questions; I believe I have a right to because I was majorly mislead and it does still hurt. I'm just not letting it control me.

Mostly because I've realized that things aren't black and white. I am not being hurt because this person is evil and wishes to cause me pain. I know for a fact that this person cares about me very much and routinely tries to prevent me from harms. Relationships are complex. You can't rule out everything good because some bad things happen. Life isn't like that. Live and learn, forgive and forget.

Lent

Now I'm not Catholic but recently I've seen parts of my life with potential for big self improvement. The beginning of Lent just happened to coincide with the realization that I am hurting myself and the people I love. I put up a good front, but most especially because of certain events that happened last year, I have become increasingly insecure. Being insecure has made me a person I don't want to be, who is unhappy and who does things that she knows she shouldn't to satisfy that craving to know that everything is okay, that she's good enough.

" 'Am I? Am I smart enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I young enough? Talented enough?' Why? Why do we not have a sense f out own dignity? Worse than that, why can't we give it to each other?What are we so afraid to tell each other how beautiful we are? Do we not have it in ourselves? Does it hurt me so much tot tell you? Can I not see it in you, because I can't see it in myself?"- Cyprian Consiglo

I often have been accused of being too competitive. And you know what? You're right. I'm constantly, even internally comparing myself with others. Recently, I noticed myself doing this and it seemed so ridiculous. Why am I doing this? Who even cares here? Why can't I stop trying to be the smartest person in the room and just be me? I just realized that I think this is why my best friend is my best friend. He's the only person that I'm not afraid to ask questions. Even if he laughs at me and calls me a dope, it's always genial and he never fails to give me a thorough answer.

So this year, for Lent, I have given up being insecure. It was a lot easier at the beginning when I was still callous and focused from recent events, and I've had some relapses but I've tried to be honest about them with others and with myself. I've learned that I'm not one that can forgive but not forget. I'm learning to let go of it all. It's time. I need to learn to love myself so that I can love others for who they are, not what they can give me to make myself whole.

"Reflect back to each other nor our projections, not our needs, not what we wish the world and each other to be, but to reflect back "you are beloved." And that would be power for us to build a world of justice and peace, one heart at a time."- C.C.

p.s. I think I'm going to send in a secret or two to PostSecret tonight as a part of this process.