I'm back...(no pun intended)

And I've got heart and back problems. But the trip was still AMAZING. I'll put up more about it later, but right now I'm filling out like a ten page long survey on my health for my visit to the back doctor tomorrow. I went and got the x-rays this morning. I'm really surprised that I haven't started glowing in my nether regions seeing as I've had so many x-rays there already. My hips, my tailbone, now this. Why can't I just get a broken arm like normal people?

So as I am fillign this out, I start thinking about my hips. I get this a lot.

them:"You have six inch titanium pins in your hips?!?! You broke them?"

me: "Yes I do, but no I didn't break them. It's called a slipped capital femoral epiphysis(E-piff-uh-sis)."

them: o_0

Story of my life.

Anyway, I was looking up some medical words like tachycardia and palpitation to make sure I was spelling them right and decided to just browse around the information on slipped capital femoral epiphysis just because it is so RANDOM. I found that I have the worst luck in the world.

"A slipped capital femoral epiphysis is a separation of the ball of the hip joint from the thigh bone (femur) at the upper growing end (growth plate) of the bone."-PennHealth.com

It mostly occurs in overweight children because of the extra stress it placed on the ball of the hip. I am at the lower end of the BMI. Especially when it happened, I was tiny.

It is more frequent in boys than girls. 66% more common, actually.

It is more common in blacks than whites.

90% of cases are stable, 10% unstable. I had one of the worst cases of instability. "A child is considered to have "stable" SCFE if he or she can walk with or without crutches. More than 90% of cases are stable.A child who can't walk, even with crutches, has "unstable" SCFE. Unstable SCFE often occurs after a trauma, such as a sports injury or a fall. Falling can also cause a stable SCFE to be unstable." -familydoctor.org. I was unable to walk, was on crutches and then had not one, but THREE traumas. Two falls, one dicectly onto the hip, and, a slip after that. Jesus H. Christ.

60% of patients only have on slipped hip, the other 40% experience it in both. Me again.

It happens to one is 250,000 people and it happens to Drew and me a week apart. (Although he was a black male, so he's got an excuse.)

I should go to Vegas. I am apparently a great bet against impossible odds.

I'm off!

To Italy, Austria, Germany and Croatia for the European Global Challenge Tour!!!

I'm going to play volleyball at the international level. It's fucking insane. I am so excited.

I'll write all about it when I get back!




Ciao bella!

do you see me? all of me?

This is an awesome fscking picture. It's kind of how I feel like people. You see the parts you see or that they want you to see, but the rest of them is so intangible.

33 life lessons

I was using StumbleUpon a few minutes and came across this. It really justified all the things I've been thinking about the past few days and made me feel better about the choices I'm making. Some, no most of it is just so goddamn true.

1. Often those who aren’t the easiest to love are the ones who need it the most.
2. Seeing children play can make even the bluest day brighter.
3. Money is not the root of all evil, fear is.
4. The secret to happiness is the acceptance of yourself.
5. Happiness is not based on external status, it is an internal state.
6. Money can’t make me happy, but self-sufficiency gives me the freedom to share myself creatively, without worrying about how I’m going to pay the bills.
7. Every man has a right to choose his own destiny.
8. The path is the way.
9. Coming is going, going is coming.
10. The hardest is found in the easiest.
11. Heaven and hell exist here and now, within your own mind.
12. Life is the largest stage.
13. Music is one of the most supreme expressions of life. It is art in it’s most transitory form. It is gone within an instant, and therefore, extremely precious.
14. Follow your gut, you’ll thank yourself later.
15. Remember what your mother taught you, it came from the most sacred place of love that exists.
16. Never let an argument last, never hold a grudge, it will make your heart heavy.
17. Forgive those that have yet to do you wrong, and you won’t have to worry about it should the time come.
18. Be grateful for this moment, it is all there is.
19. The source of most of your frustrations and anxiety are the result of living in the future, or the past.
20. Spend time alone with yourself every day.
21. Always go with yourself, never against yourself.
22. You have to be your own best friend.
23. If you don’t like what someone else says to you, you can walk away. But if you don’t like what you say to yourself, you can’t walk away. Therefore, if you’re going to be with yourself all the time, you might as well be nice to yourself.
24. The truth shall indeed set you free.
25. Lies only exist if we believe in them.
26. Even the most fundamental beliefs about reality are not true in themselves. Our thinking makes them true in our experience.
27. Your thoughts create reality.
28. The biggest lie is the lie of your imperfection.
29. Being kind is more important than being right.
30. Your heart is your best compass.
31. Cherish those that you love, you never know if you’ll see them again.
32. Your beliefs are a filter for your reality.
33. Love is the supreme expression of life, it is the essence and ground of all creation.

I got this here. I'm very thankful that i found it because it really affirmed all the difficult decisions I've been dealing with.

There was also a passage in In the Lake of the Woods, which I just finished reading for AP English, about the fascination with the otherness of others that I really wanted to put up here but I can't find it :[



you, yes you.

So free...yet not...

WOW. It still hasn't hit me that school's over. I think it was because Easter break came so early this year that we were all burnt out long ago and so I didn't experience any real closure to the year because I was already dead. I wasn't even looking forward to summer because i knew that finals had to come first. So now it's over and it feels strange.

I can't believe that I'm a senior. Really. When we were little, in grammar school i remember looking at the 8th graders at assembly an thinking about how mature and old they looked. Then i remember thinking about what a senior in high school must look like if this is how massive and mature and 8th grader was. I remember having a sense of abstract awe and wonder at how smart and old that person must be. Now I look at 8th graders and think about how immature they are. And how young.

Another, seemingly paradoxical observation is that as a freshman, I remember thinking the upperclassmen were so much bigger and older than me. I especially recall meeting Sara Mailhot for the first time at volleyball open gym, how mature i thought she was. She told me all about going to design school and editing catalogs for Old Navy. She was so sure of herself. I was in awe. But now when I walk the halls, I don't feel like i look much older than the freshman, or that I'm loads more mature than them. It seems that that feeling worked only one way. It's so incredibly strange.

I'm starting to freak out about college a little more. I really need to go visit places this summer because I'm definitely not going to have time next year. Maybe more on this later...

Anyway, back to summer. It doesnt' feel like summer. Here's why

Megan's Giant To-Do List
-Volleyball trip(I got offered a spot on the NCVA Global Challenge Tour that plays in an international tournament in Croatia this summer. We also visit Germany, Austria(where we train in a Olympic facility with the Austrian Junior National Team) and Italy. Pretty much it would
FUCKING AMAZING. But.... it costs over $4,000 and is in less than a month)
-passport
-sponsorship letters(write, self-addressed envelopes, decide mailing list, get addresses and stamps)
-call the place that double charged me for my mom's Mother's day present
-get/pick between jobs(which is hard since I'm going away in the middle of the summer but parents say)
-college crap(senior profile, letters of recommendation, WHERE AM I GOING?)
-study for SAT IIs
-ecology club pre-school organizing\
-re-master our history video
-tons of little chores that have just backed up because I've been so crazy busy with school.

WHEW. lame. Can't wait to get it all out of the way. Which won't happen next week because I'm a counsel our at volleyball camp and I'm working on my mom's co worker's iPod for money. Well i was going to talk about my new bike but I'll save that for later. I'm waiting for a call back about possible sponsorship.

UPDATE: I got $500 from the Croatian club! Awesome. I'm going to go talk to them in October about my trip. Fun.

Hold your own, know your name, and go your own way...

Are the details in the fabric the things that make you panic?

This song is my life right now. In general, it for people like me. I have inherited panic attacks and a hyper-nervous personality from my mom, and combined with my dad's attention to detail my personality causes a lot of stress in my life. This song reminds me to let go. Especially picking apart my trust of others. I love that it starts with a voice mail. It's so real. Listen.



Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
mmmhmm

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you’re shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold♥


Only Human is amazing, too. I didn't think I liked the album version of We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things because I'd seen him live and had the live EP versions of several songs, but it's grown on me. I love the songs that I hadn't heard yet. The live versions are still better but I still love the CD. Jason Mraz is just pretty fucking amazing.

Life is not fair.

I've got a very good friend. And she's one of the friendliest, nicest, most outgoing and upbeat people that I've ever met. She's never a bitch and she doesn't get down on people or herself for that matter. She's THE single most positive person that I've ever met.

That's why I was so surprised to find out that her mom had died of cancer when she was about 8 or 9. That kind of tragedy is just unfathomable. You don't think about death at that age. That is something that little kids aren't meant to and shouldn't have to deal with.

Her dad is very upbeat too. He remarried a few years later and is a very joyful person. My friend really likes her stepmom, which is not always the case in these situations.

Now his second wife has cancer. Again. She had it before, but was thankfully in remission. Now she's been re diagnosed and given 18 months to live.

It's just so fucking unfair.