Two letters

I've written them a thousand times in my head. One, I've known has been coming the whole summer, but that doesn't make it easier. I know exactly what I want to say but I am so afraid of leaving things out. I have to say it now or it will never sink it. I can't leave any illusions, any false hopes.

The other I'd resigned that I'd never get a chance to write. The opportunity is given now, when I have tried so hard to let it all go, to forget it, to give up because I never thought I'd hear those words. All the pain and the heartache comes rushing back. Even now what they did to me seems unfathomable and I want them to know because I think how could they have possibly been listening the first time and done nothing? And how can you apologize for what you don't even know? But I want it all to be over, I don't want to drag those things up, to make it worse. I don't want to discover that this, just like the others, is hollow, that he is not really sorry for those things that hurt the most. But I don't want to lost this chance to heal either. I wish I had not been put in this place right now. There are so many other things on my mind, so many other people who have been there for me that I need to take care of, to be present with in these moments that we have before I leave. I just feel numb. I can't bear the hate and the hope and the chance that if I decide to hope that it could all be hollow again. And that would be the worst thing of all which is why I tried to let it all go.

So for now, I just sit here, my mind at a million miles an hour but getting nowhere.