It was amazing. I was more nervous than I've ever been for anything in my whole life for this speech. Last night I was literally sweating bullets rehearsing in front of my mirror. I woke up an hour before my alarm convulsing from nerves. And then I got there and it jsut seemed right and I didn't even have to think about it as I did when I was practicing, about slowing down or what words to emphasize. I was no longer nervous, just excited to share what I've learned and appreciate my experience. It came out great. I'm so happy. I made my dad cry. It must've been pretty good from the receiving end as well.
I didn't cry. My eyes welled up when I gave Alison a hug but that's more for what we had than what I'm leaving. Anthony was trying to make eye contact and talk and play nice and that too almost made me cry because I wish I could let myself accept but I've been burned too many times and he's still hurting me and I can't let myself believe he wants to be friends when he will continue to do so I will get hurt again. I HATE that things are ending this way, that we can't be friends, but I didn't choose to make them so and there's nothing that I can do to make things right. So I almost cried again but I held back and moved on.
It is fitting to me that indeed the only time that I cried through this entire process, especially considereing how easily I used to cry, was reading the very last two cards in my stack. The first, from Mathews, who gave me a Borders gift certificate which is so funny because I got him and Amazon one among other things. He talked about our burgeoning friendship. That got me all softened up for Marhein's. He have me his well-loved pocket edition of Rumi. And honestly that meant more to me than anything else could. I know that he loved it and that it was a sacrifice for him. It culminated the feeling that had been building all day that I am so loved and that is what brought me to tears.
I got more than money today. I got my great grandmother's antique purse. I recieved the necklace that was given to my aunt at her graduation because she only has sons but she didn't give it to any of my older cousins or Renee. I got a picture from Sarah. I got a blanket that Denise hand made for me. It was overwhemling to see how deeply people care and the lengths to which they will go for me. I'm so glad that they could all be there with me and for me.
Today was a great day.
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