Smiley Face

I aspire to be this kind of person for others:

What did you do? What did you say?
Did you walk - or did you run away?
Where are you now? Where have you been?
Did you go alone - or did you bring a friend?


I need to know this - cause I notice when you're smilin'
Out in the sun havin' fun and you're feelin' free
And I can tell you know how hard this life can be
But you keep on smilin' for me

What went right? What went wrong?
Was it the story - or was it the song?
Was it overnight - or did it take you long?
Was knowing your weakness what made you strong?


Or all the above - oh how I love to see you smilin'
And oh yeah - take a little pain just in case
You need something warm to embrace
To help you put on a smilin' face
Hey, put on a smilin' face

Don't you go off into the new day with any doubt
Here's a summary of somethin' that you could smile about:
Say for instance, my girlfriend she bugs me all the time
But the irony of it all is that she loves me all the time

I want to be you - whenever I see you smilin'
Cause it's easily one of the hardest things to do
Your worries and fears become your friends
And they end up smilin' at you
Put on a smilin' face

-Gnarls Barkley

Love it here

I adore it here. Found awesome friends, and I have different friends for different things. Classy ones at that!

Spent the night running through sprinklers, playing intense ping pong and dancing and singing my heart out! And no one complained ;)

And people who don't respect me are officially out of my life and it feels good.

Can't sleep

Didn't see this coming. But what can you do. I wish my mind wasn't so mixed up. I wish 3,000 miles wasn't so far, wasn't in the future.

I really enjoyed my public speaking class tonight. I think it's my favorite class so far, which is news to me. I thought it would be a pain in the ass, having it at 7-10 on Monday nights but it was really interesting and I always have a lot to say. I'm so glad that I've already had to give my valedictory speech. Even though it was for graduation, it was such an intellectual challenge for me and I was amazed how much it influenced my ability to analyze the speech we watched tonight. And generally everything that I have to do for that class can't be one tenth of the pressure as my valedictory speech. Maybe my excitement from that class is contributing to my insomnia.

Tick tock.

http://www.humanclock.com/clock.php

COLLEGE

Things I love about college:

Flight of the Conchords sessions like every night

Amazing all you can eat food

Epically failing at laundry

Pretty dorm rooms

Staircases that always come out somewhere different just like Hogwarts.

Showers that make it impossible to shave your legs

Guy who goes room to room playing guitar and singing The Shins, The Decemberists, Journey, and Bright Eyes AMAZINGLY. Random acts of kindness make me more happy than anythign in the world.

Living in a building shaped like an X

View of the river and downtown Portland from my dorm room window

Habit of singing all the time making you friends because people easily discover similar interests!

Biking to P-safe

Spending 3 hours at Fred Meyer

Flower watching

Roomate with the exact same living schedule as me

Higgins, Powell's, and Voodoo

Poems on the bus and the MAX

Failing at German with friends at your side

Learning the word asshole on the second day of class and saying it repeatedly

Soccer games and the drum squad

Automatically having 30 friends from honors wherever you go!

My mac :)

I love it here. It is the most gorgeous campus I've ever seen. I love my dorm and all the people that live here. It has only taken a week for it to feel like home. I'm already applying for and involved in so many things, it's amazing. I really, really hope that I can get a spot on Nicaragua and hopefully it won't interfere with Salzburg! So much to look forward to! I can't wait!

Every night I am filled with immense joy, I have never been so happy in my life. Not just with school, but with my friends, here and elsewhere(but always in my heart!).

I am that I am.

Two letters

I've written them a thousand times in my head. One, I've known has been coming the whole summer, but that doesn't make it easier. I know exactly what I want to say but I am so afraid of leaving things out. I have to say it now or it will never sink it. I can't leave any illusions, any false hopes.

The other I'd resigned that I'd never get a chance to write. The opportunity is given now, when I have tried so hard to let it all go, to forget it, to give up because I never thought I'd hear those words. All the pain and the heartache comes rushing back. Even now what they did to me seems unfathomable and I want them to know because I think how could they have possibly been listening the first time and done nothing? And how can you apologize for what you don't even know? But I want it all to be over, I don't want to drag those things up, to make it worse. I don't want to discover that this, just like the others, is hollow, that he is not really sorry for those things that hurt the most. But I don't want to lost this chance to heal either. I wish I had not been put in this place right now. There are so many other things on my mind, so many other people who have been there for me that I need to take care of, to be present with in these moments that we have before I leave. I just feel numb. I can't bear the hate and the hope and the chance that if I decide to hope that it could all be hollow again. And that would be the worst thing of all which is why I tried to let it all go.

So for now, I just sit here, my mind at a million miles an hour but getting nowhere.

Merry Happy

Woo! The last couple of days have just been excelente! I booked my flight to Florida for a week in August and I should book my flight to LA for Jess's wedding any day now AND I leave for the reunion in Tahoe(♥) Thursday night. Work is amazing. Yes, sometimes it's mindless but I don't even mind that. I have a lot to think about these days anyway. And work at the Boardwalk was mindless AND stressful and you didn't even get music or free food, office gossip or the hours you want or most importantly, $14 an hour! I love making bank. And since I was in there all the time, I'm super familiar with everything anyway. Sad that D is gone now though :( and that Lina is leaving next week!

Camp is also next week! Soooo stoked! I love little freshies. And Ashley, Cakelin and S-rod. Hopefully my shoulder continues to do better. My new PT is AHHHMAZING. I thought she was one of those really awkward types at first, which I think she is a bit, but once you getting her talking about physical therapy, she just can't stop! It's really evident why my last PT didn't work out; she had NO idea what she was doing. Michelle told me that bands are not going to help my injury at all. No wonder I got so frustrated!

I am having a really good summer, much better than I ever could have hoped but I cannot help but be excited out of my mind for school!!!! I got all my classes, FINALLY.

Public Speaking

Elementary German

Intro US Politics (Honors)

Intro Religion & Theo

Food Sustainablility (Honors)

CST 101B Workshop

Intro to Com Studies

I decided on German so that hopefully I can do the full year in Austria next year. It's super intense that it would be so soon and for a whole year but it's so amazing I just can't pass it up! I'm also incredibly stoked on the Honors Colloquim. The more I hear about it, the more excited I get. The Food Sustainibility course is actually for that first week that we're all there before everyon else gets there and from what I've been given so far it's a lot like Food Fast as far as the awareness aspect. We're going to go to farmer's markets and grocery stores and museums and really look into diet and buget for food around the world. I'm a little worried about the summer assignment, tracking everything you eat and how much it costs down to the teaspoon of sugar in your tea because my parents aren't the best cooks nor the most cooperative and I have to give a presentation on it the day I move into the dorms. Nothing like diving head first. I really love the text that goes with the course so far though and I may look a little more into Wendell Barry and some other background resources just to be a little more well versed.

It all just feels so right. This is where I belong. I felt it when I was there. The social justice, the service, the people, EVERYTHING. I'm so glad I didn't let me convince myself into Santa Clara. I would have regretted it and I have no tolerance for regret. It is a wasted emotion; time moves on and it does absolutely no good to wish to change something that cannot be changed and I never want to look back and say "I wish" or "if only". You only get one shot at life, one time to go to high school, one time to go to college, one chance to do everything you every dreamed and you're never gaurunteed any moment past the present so you have to do your absolute best in the here and now and when the time comes you won't regret it. I know I don't. Yes, some unfortunate things happened, but they followed naturally from previous events and seemed the best that could be done at the time and therefore I don't regret them. This attitude has payed me the greatest dividends, well evidenced by the fact that I was chosen as valedictorian even though I didn't have the highest GPA. People recognize that I am passionate and it has earned me respect. I almost laugh to think that the person who most opposed my push-the-envelope attitude was Helen. I know there will be more people like her, people who want to settle for the ordinary and accomplish to get done, yet I know who I am and where I'm going and I'm grateful that it is nothing like the way the rest are going. I've got more waiting and I plan to milk it for everything it's worth.

Here's to life. And to love.

Knock, knock, knock, knock scratch

Everybody took everything that they could and they, made a little town out of stones and out of wood
And they, made a little king out of plasticine and they threw the rules away but they kept the wisdom in.

And all of the birds and the bees lived so peacefully.
And all of the babies they slept so so gently.

Until, little red little red little red little red little red little red little red little red

little red little red little red little red little red little red came knocking

Little garden how do I make your flowers grow.
When I already do everything that I know.
I bring you sunshine and I bring you rain, still you refrain

All the other gardens are so full of flowers they're so colourful yet I spend all these hours trying to make you as beautiful as them but still you refrain.

knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock scratch

and a knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock scratch

and the knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock scratch

and the knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock scratch

Little girl why are you crying.
Just because the flowers in your garden are dying.
There's so much that you could be doing and all of your neighbours well they haven't got a clue.

Oh come on with me we'll have a little bit of fun yeah it's not too dangerous and we won't hurt any one.

We'll cause some havoc between the birds and the bees.
Yeah we'll we'll paint the town red and we'll shake the trees oh

Come on with me we'll and I'll show you a good time.
All you have to do is a jump and climb
I'll take you over to the other side of town.
There's so much to do there and no one wears a crown.

Should I go or should I stay, my flowers are dying and I'm sick and tired anyway.
This boy seems kind of cool his jeans seem pretty low,
well i think i'll go

jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump climb

and the jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump climb

and the jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump climb

and the jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump climb

Oh lets pack a picnic and we'll go for a drive.
We'll go to a funfair and go on all the rides.
We'll climb up a mountain and we'll take in the sites.
We'll jump in a plane and fly.

If you want you can come back to mine we'll drink some coffee and you can spend the night.
We'll do anything that makes you smile.
'cause your smile is beautiful and it makes me happy
'cause your smile is beautiful and it makes me happy

This little girl, she grew up and moved away and she, she lived her life full of risk and full of play. And she, she lived her life with so much to say.
And her flowers they grow more beautiful everyday.

Kate Nash