And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me, if it kills me, it might kill me....
can't sleep. can't turn off my stupid brain. i don't know what to do anymore. i know it's a waiting game. but patience has never been my best virtue and you can still lose at games like that.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
the boardwalk
stomach turns in sour circles
knots of nervousness and doubt
the seconds slowly slide around the clock
the sound and the fury of the summer masses
beats the drum of a thousand footsteps
on the pavement two feet away.
i am removed, from them
from time.
the sickly sweet summer breeze
the rays of soft sunlight,
remind me that i am not home.
trapped in this revolving door
the sweet lies spun like cotton candy
the trust collapsing like an upended cone
dreams crumbling like so many grains of sugar
strewn about the floor, impossible to pick up.
back where I was three, two, one year ago.
like a never ending dream.
the buckling letters of the tattoo on the calf
of the fat man pushing a stroller
ordering his deep fried twinkies,
feel like a mockery, a tease,
"i have everything i need to be happy right now"
my faith is shaken, i need a change of scene
can't go forward: to enchanted castles,
singing hills, lips heavy with accents and beer,
and feet that have traveled 10,000 miles.
can't go back: to soulmates,
simple times, lips soaked in diet coke and smiles,
and feet that need not move for happiness except to dance.
can't go over it.
can't go under it.
must go through.
knots of nervousness and doubt
the seconds slowly slide around the clock
the sound and the fury of the summer masses
beats the drum of a thousand footsteps
on the pavement two feet away.
i am removed, from them
from time.
the sickly sweet summer breeze
the rays of soft sunlight,
remind me that i am not home.
trapped in this revolving door
the sweet lies spun like cotton candy
the trust collapsing like an upended cone
dreams crumbling like so many grains of sugar
strewn about the floor, impossible to pick up.
back where I was three, two, one year ago.
like a never ending dream.
the buckling letters of the tattoo on the calf
of the fat man pushing a stroller
ordering his deep fried twinkies,
feel like a mockery, a tease,
"i have everything i need to be happy right now"
my faith is shaken, i need a change of scene
can't go forward: to enchanted castles,
singing hills, lips heavy with accents and beer,
and feet that have traveled 10,000 miles.
can't go back: to soulmates,
simple times, lips soaked in diet coke and smiles,
and feet that need not move for happiness except to dance.
can't go over it.
can't go under it.
must go through.
Friday, June 18, 2010
The only emperor is the emperor of ice cream
Call the roller of big cigars,
The muscular one, and bid him whip
In kitchen cups concupiscent curds.
Let the wenches dawdle in such dress
As they are used to wear, and let the boys
Bring flowers in last month's newspapers.
Let be be finale of seem.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.
Take from the dresser of deal,
Lacking the three glass knobs, that sheet
On which she embroidered fantails once
And spread it so as to cover her face.
If her horny feet protrude, they come
To show how cold she is, and dumb.
Let the lamp affix its beam.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.
-Wallace Stevens
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
struggle
I love when you hand it to me, when you give me that power. Sometimes it feels so hard to hold up my end, but then I'm reminded in the little ways it's killing you.
I know you're trying your best to fake it. Trust me, I know all about it honey. Been there, done that. But I'm enjoying this role reversal, being the other for a change. I won't say it's easy, but I think I've got a better shot than you.
I am X. I'm the constant.
I am the independent variable.
I know you're trying your best to fake it. Trust me, I know all about it honey. Been there, done that. But I'm enjoying this role reversal, being the other for a change. I won't say it's easy, but I think I've got a better shot than you.
I am X. I'm the constant.
I am the independent variable.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
they call her love, love, love
I learned the real meaning of love. Love is absolute loyalty. People fade, looks fade, but loyalty never fades. You can depend so much on certain people, you can set your watch by them. And that's love, even if it doesn't seem very exciting. ~Sylvester Stallone
Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand and Stars, 1939, translated from French by Lewis Galantière
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. ~Rose Franken
The art of love... is largely the art of persistence. ~Albert Ellis
The lover is a monotheist who knows that other people worship different gods but cannot himself imagine that there could be other gods. ~Theodor Reik, Of Love and Lust, 1957
Love never reasons but profusely gives; gives, like a thoughtless prodigal, its all, and trembles lest it has done too little. ~Hannah More (Thanks, Steven)
Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire. ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
Love is, above all, the gift of oneself. ~Jean Anouilh
Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand and Stars, 1939, translated from French by Lewis Galantière
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. ~Rose Franken
The art of love... is largely the art of persistence. ~Albert Ellis
The lover is a monotheist who knows that other people worship different gods but cannot himself imagine that there could be other gods. ~Theodor Reik, Of Love and Lust, 1957
Love never reasons but profusely gives; gives, like a thoughtless prodigal, its all, and trembles lest it has done too little. ~Hannah More (Thanks, Steven)
Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire. ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
Love is, above all, the gift of oneself. ~Jean Anouilh
Thursday, June 10, 2010
PB&J
Peanut Butter and Jelly Song
I’m peanut butter and you are jelly and we’re so happy on our little piece of bread
I remember the first time that I saw you, sitting in the cupboard with your other jelly friends
Cause you’re so sweet and I am chunky
You’re low fat, well I’m working on that
Cause I’m peanut butter and you are jelly
And we’re so happy on our little piece of bread
I like grape and strawberry
But you’re raspberry and that’s my favorite kind
Please forgive me for my stint with honey
I looked on the label and not at what was inside
Cause you’re so sweet and I am chunky
You’re low fat, well I’m working on that
Cause I’m peanut butter and you are jelly
And we’re so happy on our little piece of bread
I’m so glad that I discovered, you in the cupboard
I hope you’re glad too
From now on, we’ll be stuck together
But what could be better than being stuck with you
Cause you’re so sweet and I am chunky
You’re low fat, well I’m working on that
Cause I’m peanut butter and you are jelly
And we’re so happy on our little piece of bread.
It is written? Is there always a honey? Ugh, I don't know how I feel.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
A Sunday
My uncle Harley had a lot to do with the way that I grew up.
He had it all. He was the smartest. He never had to try in school. He was the tallest and the most charismatic. He was the best athlete in his high school. The Mets tried to draft him straight out of high school to pitch, but my grandparents said he had to go to college first. He went to Santa Clara on a full ride for football.
He didn't finish a few credits so he could stay and play football for another year. He never finished. He had an amazing wife but his drinking drove her away. He ended up a truck driver who basically called the bar his home. If anyone didn't know where to find him, the first place to look was the Red Baron.
On my moms side, there's Charlie. Also a baseball player, smart and who could tell a story like no one else. When he was 20, he was hit by a car running a red light and he was completely paralyzed for life. For my mom, there was always such a sense of injustice when Charlie had no control over his life, that it was taken from him by no choice of his own, when someone like Harley who was given talents, looks, brains and opportunity simply chose to do nothing with it.
I think my parents were always terrified that even though I was getting it right, the grades, the sports, that I could always be a few choices away from being like Uncle Harley. I believe they told me that once when I wanted to quit some sport or another.
A few days ago, Harley shot himself.
It was surreal for me. I was never close with him. He got more and more distant from our family. It was always so hard for my parents to be around him; my dad because he'd already seen the effect of alcoholism on his dad and his grandpa and my mom because she experienced the same thing with her dad and it just made her feel like Charlie was so shorted.
It's been 364 days since I made my valedictory speech and yet these words ring truer today than they did even then. "As were the architects, contractors, and donors who generously built this school for us, we were expected to build something from nothing, and the relationships that we forged with each other allowed our efforts to be successful. These efforts were born from necessity, but by choosing what we each wanted to invest in our high school, we were, each of us, unknowingly developing the character that will ultimately shape our adult lives. As Sister Helen Prejean notes, or as Phil will tell you, the movie “Batman Begins” insists, “it’s what you do that defines you.”
Time and time again it shows again. The things that matter are your choices. You can be given all the talents and the gifts in the world, but if you choose to do nothing with them, the balance remains at zero. Even if ninety-nine precent of the factors that shape your life are not in your control, you get to choose your attitude in dealing with them.
Ultimately, I want to be proud of the person that I am. The thing I most focus on in life is asking myself, "What kind of person is this decision making me? Is this who I want to be for myself? Is this who I want to be to others?"
I have found that when I make decision for the kind of person that I want to be, the bigger person, the strong, independent, forgiving, understanding person that I want to be, those are truly the decisions that are the best for others as well.
I've seen it over and over. I'm sick of watching people regret. I have no room for regret in my life. It's such a wasted emotion. Instead, I commit to making it count the first time. I refuse to wait around and then look at all the time I've wasted doing things that don't help me grow or live in love. This decision empowers me. It makes my choices matter. It transforms past, present, and future into on contiguous movement toward that person I want to be. I am that I am.
What really moved me from this whole ordeal is watching my dad struggle. My dad is the silent but steady one in our extended family. No matter how stupid or lousy the things that they do, everyone trusts in Uncle Tom to help them out and keep his silence. And he does so unfailingly. But when he told me, it was the only time I'd actually seen him cry. And it shook me. It was the first time that I've really told my dad "I love you" without being perfunctory, in passing, in response. It just overwhelmed me. I love him.
He's normally so strong and stoic that it was so incredibly hurtful to see him hurting. But, if the rain must fall, I am grateful that it does because I feel like these moments, these twinges of agony, humanize me. They emphasize the brittle thread that is life and the even more tenuous bonds that hold us in families, in friendships, in love.
This summer has been pretty hard but I can say that today, I am who I want to be and I am making the things that I want in life possible with every decision I make. I surround myself with people who not only support these decision, but make them possible. And to them, I am forever grateful.
He had it all. He was the smartest. He never had to try in school. He was the tallest and the most charismatic. He was the best athlete in his high school. The Mets tried to draft him straight out of high school to pitch, but my grandparents said he had to go to college first. He went to Santa Clara on a full ride for football.
He didn't finish a few credits so he could stay and play football for another year. He never finished. He had an amazing wife but his drinking drove her away. He ended up a truck driver who basically called the bar his home. If anyone didn't know where to find him, the first place to look was the Red Baron.
On my moms side, there's Charlie. Also a baseball player, smart and who could tell a story like no one else. When he was 20, he was hit by a car running a red light and he was completely paralyzed for life. For my mom, there was always such a sense of injustice when Charlie had no control over his life, that it was taken from him by no choice of his own, when someone like Harley who was given talents, looks, brains and opportunity simply chose to do nothing with it.
I think my parents were always terrified that even though I was getting it right, the grades, the sports, that I could always be a few choices away from being like Uncle Harley. I believe they told me that once when I wanted to quit some sport or another.
A few days ago, Harley shot himself.
It was surreal for me. I was never close with him. He got more and more distant from our family. It was always so hard for my parents to be around him; my dad because he'd already seen the effect of alcoholism on his dad and his grandpa and my mom because she experienced the same thing with her dad and it just made her feel like Charlie was so shorted.
It's been 364 days since I made my valedictory speech and yet these words ring truer today than they did even then. "As were the architects, contractors, and donors who generously built this school for us, we were expected to build something from nothing, and the relationships that we forged with each other allowed our efforts to be successful. These efforts were born from necessity, but by choosing what we each wanted to invest in our high school, we were, each of us, unknowingly developing the character that will ultimately shape our adult lives. As Sister Helen Prejean notes, or as Phil will tell you, the movie “Batman Begins” insists, “it’s what you do that defines you.”
Time and time again it shows again. The things that matter are your choices. You can be given all the talents and the gifts in the world, but if you choose to do nothing with them, the balance remains at zero. Even if ninety-nine precent of the factors that shape your life are not in your control, you get to choose your attitude in dealing with them.
Ultimately, I want to be proud of the person that I am. The thing I most focus on in life is asking myself, "What kind of person is this decision making me? Is this who I want to be for myself? Is this who I want to be to others?"
I have found that when I make decision for the kind of person that I want to be, the bigger person, the strong, independent, forgiving, understanding person that I want to be, those are truly the decisions that are the best for others as well.
I've seen it over and over. I'm sick of watching people regret. I have no room for regret in my life. It's such a wasted emotion. Instead, I commit to making it count the first time. I refuse to wait around and then look at all the time I've wasted doing things that don't help me grow or live in love. This decision empowers me. It makes my choices matter. It transforms past, present, and future into on contiguous movement toward that person I want to be. I am that I am.
What really moved me from this whole ordeal is watching my dad struggle. My dad is the silent but steady one in our extended family. No matter how stupid or lousy the things that they do, everyone trusts in Uncle Tom to help them out and keep his silence. And he does so unfailingly. But when he told me, it was the only time I'd actually seen him cry. And it shook me. It was the first time that I've really told my dad "I love you" without being perfunctory, in passing, in response. It just overwhelmed me. I love him.
He's normally so strong and stoic that it was so incredibly hurtful to see him hurting. But, if the rain must fall, I am grateful that it does because I feel like these moments, these twinges of agony, humanize me. They emphasize the brittle thread that is life and the even more tenuous bonds that hold us in families, in friendships, in love.
This summer has been pretty hard but I can say that today, I am who I want to be and I am making the things that I want in life possible with every decision I make. I surround myself with people who not only support these decision, but make them possible. And to them, I am forever grateful.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
oh lord what can i say?
Look to the clock on the wall
Hands hardly moving at all
I can't stand the state that I'm in
Sometimes it feels like the wall's closing in
Oh Lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time tickin' on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say
Try and burn my troubles away
Drown my sorrow the same way
It seems no matter how hard I try
It feels like there's something just missing inside
Oh Lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time tickin' on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say
Oh Lord what can I say
How many rules can I break?
How many lies can I make?
How many roads must I turn
To find me a place where the bridge hasn't burned?
Oh Lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time tickin' on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Oh Lord what can I say?
Even a year and a half later, Kairos still helping me through ♥
Hands hardly moving at all
I can't stand the state that I'm in
Sometimes it feels like the wall's closing in
Oh Lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time tickin' on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say
Try and burn my troubles away
Drown my sorrow the same way
It seems no matter how hard I try
It feels like there's something just missing inside
Oh Lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time tickin' on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say
Oh Lord what can I say
How many rules can I break?
How many lies can I make?
How many roads must I turn
To find me a place where the bridge hasn't burned?
Oh Lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time tickin' on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Oh Lord what can I say?
Even a year and a half later, Kairos still helping me through ♥
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
for a young man.
greedy hands on hungry hips
forehead hugs and navel kisses.
lips locked to keep in
the words we couldn't say
how many running shoes does he need for eight months?
treads run thinner on a road for two
the view from the cliffs is stunning
like the stars and the moon,
it stirs something inside yourself.
but the fall is worse, the risk are higher
the path turns narrow and you lose yourself.
the edges crumble beneath your well-worn feet
the descent to the waves is cold, quick, lonely.
but under the water the silence is whole
free to think, your heart begins to move again
not for someone else; for none but you
your mind recalls
the cadence of the cliffs
the silence of the seas
the final peice
part two of two.
where you realize you
are you.
forehead hugs and navel kisses.
lips locked to keep in
the words we couldn't say
how many running shoes does he need for eight months?
treads run thinner on a road for two
the view from the cliffs is stunning
like the stars and the moon,
it stirs something inside yourself.
but the fall is worse, the risk are higher
the path turns narrow and you lose yourself.
the edges crumble beneath your well-worn feet
the descent to the waves is cold, quick, lonely.
but under the water the silence is whole
free to think, your heart begins to move again
not for someone else; for none but you
your mind recalls
the cadence of the cliffs
the silence of the seas
the final peice
part two of two.
where you realize you
are you.
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